Fatisodes.
I was reading last night in The Diet Myth about how much difficulty heavy people encounter in exercising in public - that is, that that is where they are ridiculed most, in the setting where they are exercising. Isn't this just tragically ironic? That people who hate heavier people will actively and meanly lash out at those heavier people, at precisely the moment when those heavier people are doing something healthy for themselves?
Thinking about this very particularized abuse of heavier people got me thinking about the times in my life that other people have made nasty comments about my weight. But other than the millions of weight comments made by my family, I have never really been on the receiving end of many weight comments. I think I've been fortunate. Looking back, though, I wonder if it also doesn't just put the lie to all my family's weight comments. I mean, if no one else was commenting about my weight - and judging from the blogs, people surely do receive a LOT of mean comments about their weight outside of their family - then was my weight really as far off as my family was saying?
But then again, the fattest I have been is surely as an adult, not as a kid. And, it's been as an adult that I've gotten the only two (non-doctor, non-family) negative weight comments from people (that I can remember, anyway). And, believe it or not, one of these was while exercising, while walking for exercise on a trafficky street. My (also-heavy) friend and I were walking and talking with each other, minding our own business, when a car full of men went by, and one of them shouted out, "You're fat!" Um... duh. But, what the hell business is it of yours? And what the hell do you think I'm doing out here, anyway? Do you see a cake or ice cream cone in my hands? Dumbass?
This is, to me, an incredibly cruel irony - that heavier people are ridiculed for their heaviness, precisely when they're trying to lose weight and/or get fit. What is wrong with people, anyway? Who the hell do they think they are, to randomly throw out-and-out meanness, at complete strangers?
Thankfully for me, the positive side of growing up in a very mean family is I learned to cast off most of this stuff. Sure, that comment stung a little, but I mostly laughed (wryly) at how empty someone has to be, to be inspired to throw meanness at a stranger. And, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, deep down, I also deflected the comment by suspecting that it was really my friend they were talking about.
If this happened to me now, I would be torn between getting angry ("Who the hell do you think you are, and why the hell would you think I cared about your opinion?"), and just blowing it off (why should I care what some stranger who is so obviously nasty, thinks?). I can say for myself now that I would totally own the comment; that is, I would take full responsibilty for being the target of it, and not cast that insult onto my friend. Indeed, if I thought it was my friend they were targetting, I expect that at this point in my life, I would probably get angrier than if it were just me. Have you gotten these comments? What did you do? What would you do now?
posted by Wendy @ 11:17 AM
14 Comments:
I've gotten comments in the past and sometimes they have really hurt but now I just get annoyed. I think mostly its' guys (well it seems to be always guys) who have some kind of issues. If they weren't calling you fat then it would be an ugly dog or some other insult. In the end, they are the ones who are the sad, pathetic losers. I mean, what sort of person does that? Who even cares what other people do?
I guess I'm lucky, or whatever, in that I don't think anyone has ever made a comment like that to me outside of my family. And it was totally and most definitely my mom's own effedupness about her weight and body, as well as my grandmother's about hers and my mother's, that led to my mother, when I was in the 8th grade and weighing the outrageously fat fat fat weight of--gasp--128 at 5 foot 6 and a half inches, that caused her to enroll me in a women's "figure salon" and put me on a regimen of salad and lean cuisines and Jane Fonda's workout. There were so many hateful things said. Not all that long ago, when I was about fifteen pounds smaller than I am now, and was home for a visit--I believe I was in the low 150's--my grandmother smacked me on the behind and said "someone sure is gettin' broad across the backside."
Nice, huh?
And I don't doubt that strangers say hateful things to fat people. I mean, there are the cretins like the ones who yelled out the truck at you and your friend. But if you all had been skinny minnies out strolling in public they would have said something else, like called you ugly, or called you whores. Anything to remind you all who's the boss, you know what I mean?
There are quite a few fat people, men and women, who work out at my gym. I've never seen anyone there be anything but nice. But if you say, go to where the bellybutton lint of society likes to play, Craigslist rants and raves, you will find hateful little people making fun of fat people who they see out exercising.
I was reading over on the BFB forums the other day about the things strangers will say to fat people at the grocery store or in restaurants. Unbelieveable some of it. So hateful. Reading things like that does not do much to help with my general misanthropy.
Wanted to let you know that your blog is fantastic - definitely food for thought. I completely identify with you.
I agree with the comments - critical & cruel people will always find something to criticize. It's not just about weight, it's about finding someone's vulnerability and exposing it. Yuck.
-Stefanie
I've been fortunate as well and have only had to deal with my grandmother primarily, but even what she says isn't hurtful, it's just annoying.
But there was a time a few years back when I was still struggling with accepting my weight when someone decided to make a comment to me.
I was at a TGIF celebrating a friend's birthday with a big group of people. I had to use the restroom and politely excused myself. On my way back to the table from the restroom I passed by a table where three college guys sat (mind you I was about their age). One of them decided to say something to me about my weight, and for the life of me I can't remember what he said, but it was along the lines of "Look at that sexy thang! *end sarcasm*). His two buddies started laughing and I could feel my face getting red. I turned around, walked right up to their table and looked at that guy right in eye and said (very loudly) "You know what? You're no f*cking prize neither!" and then walked off. At that point his two friends started laughing at him, but it didn't make me feel any better. I was just glad I had stood up for myself but that jerk ruined the rest of my evening and I wound up calling it a night early.
I have always noticed the irony in the whole gym thing....or when a chubby princess is walking her heart out and boys call out mean names to her??? Why in the world would society need to ridicule someone who is obviously trying???
This is why I have an elliptical in my house, truth be told. Sure, I like the fact that *I* control what is on TV and what time I work out, but a major part of it is not wanting to spend an hour wondering if someone behind me is making fun of my sausage asscheeks doing a dance :).
I have to mention first that my body and weight was a hot topic in my family. My mother, to be specific.
In later years, my grandfather who I was VERY close to slipped away into Alzheimer's and lost his social filter and said very hurtful things to me like: "Why do you want to be SO HUGELY FAT?" and "You used to be pretty!" Ironically it was my mother who told me to ignore him and not take it personally. I guess she wants to be the only one who gets to rake me over the coals, who knows!
I once lost 90 pounds, and 50 pounds into that I was walking down the street in the Village and a car full of B&T guidos rolled by and one guy screamed "FAAAAAAAAAAAT!" out the window while another MOOed at me. I flipped them the bird. One part of me was thinking, "You should have seen me 50 pounds ago!" the other part of me was crushed and thought, "Damn, I lost a springer spaniel worth of weight and I'm STILL fat enough to get screamed at out of car windows!"
My gym is a safe place for fat people. There's a bunch of muscle heads that gawk but they are more interested in leering at the bunnies and they pretty much leave us fatties alone.
I am a bit overwhelmed by the negativity people seem to have gotten from their families in particular. I know the typical justification for this behavior is to excuse it by claiming they only want the best for you. But I think this is a bit of a cop out, although there is very likely not an intent to harm, at least not a conscious one.
This feedback is really substantial. I'm going to have to mull it over some more!
I used to get shit about my weight constantly from my family, various "friends," and rude strangers when I was a teenager (when I weighed substantially less than I did at my fattest as an adult). I don't know why my family laid off me when I got really big; maybe it finally occurred to them that if they'd left well enough alone when I was younger, I might not have developed all the effed-up food habits that brought on my weight gain in the first place. I also got surprisingly little stranger abuse in the past few years.
As for the issue of fat people in the gym, this is one of the many reasons I work out at home. I've seen too many message board posters and online journalers who just *love* to bust on fat people at the gym. I suspect that somewhere out there, there are thin people who occasionally do a move incorrectly or wear something that isn't totally flattering, but somehow it only seems noteworthy -- and mockworthy -- when a fat person does it. I figured I didn't need to put myself in a situation where I'd feel awkward, vulnerable, and ready to quit at the first opportunity. The cats don't care if I jiggle all over when I'm jogging on the treadmill.
Hi Wendy. I will never forget, at the end of 5th grade, we had a party at the local water park. I was standing in line waiting for a slide, and this older girl, probably about 7th grade, asked me when my baby was due. I was chubby, but not huge, and i definitely wasn't a pregnant 5th grader. That brat's comment haunts me to this day. Kids can be so cruel, and then they turn into cruel adults. They suck sometimes, but I guess you just have to blow it off.
I got the yelled 'fatty' comment (from the back of a speeding pick up no less) not too long ago myself. It was just an eye-rolling moment for me, although I would have preferred it not to have been in front of my kids. Oh, well, people will be idiots....
I go to the YMCA and I have always got lots of support...from the beginners to the the "Athletes". Love the Y!
One of the many reason why I also won't risk joining a gym. I've had awful comments from some of my family - my parents are never intentionally hurtful but some of the things they say can be very harsh.
My worst problem was, like so many others, at school - luckily since leaving high scholol I've surrounded myself with supportive, fun loving friends who only want what's best for me - it's all good!
My father- the single worst influence in my life, told me I looked a little bit "chubby" before dropping me off at college my sophomore year, and I ended up becoming anorexic shortly thereafter. He hasn't been a part of my life for some 8 years now- which is by MY choice, not his.
I also had two complete strangers (on separate occasions) call me fat in very public places (an El train and a crowded bar). I cried both times, half because I was so embarassed and half because I hated that I thought they were right. How I wanted to punch each of them.
Why is it that whenever we (fatties) are out in public in a vulnerable area, like a sidewalk, which shouldn't be a vulnerable area, some losers always drive by to remind us that we're fat.
You should go over to fattymcblog.blogspot.com and read the Stuart Little entry. This dude literally nicknamed a fat girl in the gym "A Train".
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