Why The Weight?

Treadmill versus getting outside, and mental health.

2006-11-30T13:17:00.000-05:00

I prefer walking outdoors rather than on a treadmill. Obviously, a treadmill has certain advantages but, for me, it's way too much like a hamster on a wheel to be able to stick to at all. And, now, it turns out, medical science backs me up. Getting out into nature boosts mental health dramatically, both in the critically ill and in the healthy. While the warmer-than-usual early winter weather holds here in the Northeast, I will certainly be trying to take advantage of the therapeutic benefits of being in nature.

Phantom ideals.

2006-11-16T11:03:00.000-05:00

Here's an interesting video (scroll down) that reveals how the images of women in advertising are created. There's a little touch on the weight issue here, as you'll see, but since this is really a head and shoulders shot, the weight issue is not so apparent, leaving the video to be mostly about dishonesty - that the women we all see in advertising simply do not exist. Really.

This piggybacks on my environmental factors post that is immediately below, and Lora Bora's post yesterday, too. Our environment matters. The advertising-driven visual environment matters. The fact that our visual environment is largely fictional, matters.

Environmental conditions.

2006-11-15T15:06:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned here that I live in the suburbs, I think. The car-based, mall-based suburbs. I'm in an NJ suburb of NYC, so it's very sophisticated, as far as suburbs go, based on my experience at least. But it's still a suburb. I get into and out of the car for just about everything. Almost nothing is within walking distance or is walkable - except, of course, just going for a walk around the 'hood. But what I am talking about is that the suburban life does not naturally include, as part of the suburban environment, any exercise. In fact, the very structure of the environment, minimizes physical activity.

To get physical activity, you have to plan it in. It does not, will not, occur naturally within this environment, that is, as simply part of living your life in this environment. And for that reason, the contours of the universe seem to contract; the universe tightens around you, such that going up to the attic feels like going all the way up to the attic, or needing something in the basement when you're on the second floor is an annoyance because it's all the way down in the basement. You get really used to this frame of reference, this tight little universe that's based on very little naturally occuring physical activity.

Whenever I travel, I re-awaken to this reality. For example, when I was in Japan this summer, I noticed (how could you not?) the bicycles just everywhere. It seemed like nearly every person in Japan rides a bike, at least in Kyoto. We even rented bikes for a day, and I felt so cosmopolitan, riding around Kyoto's streets and canals, ringing my bell to alert pedestrians in front of me that I was approaching. Actually, it was riding a bike there myself that alerted me to WHY so many people on bikes were ringing their bells (duh). And when I travel, I make it a point to take as much public transportation as possible, to get as close to the people as possible. If you take public transportation, you already know that even though it's transportation, public transportation has a big on-your-own-transportation component to it also. That is, you've got to get your bad self to the station, on the platform, off the platform, out of the station, and from and to that station, to and from whereever it is you started and are ending up. Public transportation entails a lot of walking - at least a lot more than hopping in a car does.

This past Friday I took my SD on two college visits, one in Brooklyn, one in the East Village. We drove to Newark, took a train from there to Penn Station, then took subways for the rest of the day. It was a lot of walking, as every trip to NYC always is for us. And it was exhausting, because I don't do that all the time.

But it was also eye-opening, because when I got home, my perspective on my tight universe was shifted. While waiting for a take-out dinner, I walked up to the grocery store in my little village; a walk that ordinarily might seem like a little bit of an inconvenience seemed like nothing after schlepping around the city all day. This is even with tired feet and legs. When I got home, I was running up and down between 3 floors several times, again thinking nothing of it, when this would ordinarily seem like a pain to me, when I'm tired, at the end of the day, that sort of internal whine usually kicks in and says.

It's interesting to me, to consider how personal perspective is so susceptible to and shaped by actual physical environment, even in the short term. I really wish I lived in a city or other setting where exercise was just a natural part of getting through your day - like the Japanese in Kyoto, so many of whom ride their bikes everywhere, like New Yorkers who walk to get their groceries and meals, walk to public transportation, walk walk walk as simply part of getting their day done. Obviously New York has no monopoly on this, many large cities have a similar physical environment but other large cities like Atlanta and L.A., definitely don't. I really wish I had a different physical environment, where getting exercise wasn't something "extra" to be done, but rather something that naturally occurred as part of my day.

With all the talk that you hear of personal responsibility, environmental conditions get lost or, when raised, are poo-poo'ed. "It's just a matter of personal choice", people say, blaming anyone who isn't making the "right" personal choices. But this ignores the reality that every personal choice occurs in a distinct environment, and the significance of that environment. Your choice of food, or transportation, or method of communication, in the middle of a jungle is necessarily going to look very different than your choice in the middle of Manhattan. My range of reasonable and feasible "choice" in NYC or in Kyoto is much different than my range of choices in my little suburban village. I'm not blaming my environment. But I am saying it counts - I think that should be obvious, actually. And I wish my environment looked a little different.

While the days get shorter.

2006-10-26T12:29:00.000-04:00

I was doing Better for a while, after starting the BP meds. I was walking most days, sometimes only 15 minutes, but sometimes 45 minutes to an hour, even more. It was averaging out to 30 minutes a day, most days, which is what's recommended. I was making generally good eating choices, avoiding junk more. I was moving in the right direction.

But lately the days are getting darker for me, and not just because of the earlier approaching sundown. My husband has been laid off, effective as of the end of the month. I had suspected this was coming for a long time, which was why I was working hard on my house, so we would be ready to sell, as I thought we might need to. We got notice of this back in July, and since then he has worked hard to find a new job, but unfortunately with little real luck yet. He's had one offer, but it was cross country and the money frankly didn't seem "do-able" considering the extremely expensive location, and that the move would render me jobless and incomeless, at least for a while. So we countered and never heard anything more. And kept pursuing other opportunities.

Those who have been through a job search know how hard and frustrating and depressing it can be. It gets only more so when you're actually unemployed, which will be the case as of next Wednesday.

We've both been getting pretty depressed lately. Now, with Halloween candy around the house, I'm self-medicating with that and wine. Not to a crazy extent, but 3-4 mini-candies and a couple glasses of wine pack in an extra 500-600 totally empty calories every day. I feel totally justified as I'm doing it, though; as if, we're facing enough, can't I just relax and forget about the problems and fears and worries for a minute or two? I just can't take the battle against the food urge along with all the other mental battles I'm doing right now.

At least after Halloween, the candy will be gone. Thank goodness. I do feel like I deserve my wine, though, in this very trying and scary time.

Not to mention, our actual house is scary these days, but in a good way. My hub goes all out for Halloween; we're a well-known house in our neighborhood, along with another one down the street. It's really a lot of fun to see the kids so into it. I've actually been a little grateful to have this holiday, as a temporary diversion from larger stresses for my husband, who really does get into this. Should I really begrudge a little candy over-indulgence, in exchange for the respite we're getting? Here's some photos of our annual haunt; our photography equipment is not fancy enough to give the real true effect, but I can give you some of the flava.

W have a dog house near our front door, where "Diablo" stares out through red LED eyes, and growls at little kids who ask, shuddering, "is there a REAL DOG in there?":

Here's our graveyard, that's mostly on the other side of the yard:

A close-up of our grim reaper, that gives a little of the effect at night:

The full front yard shot, at dusk, a year before (sans Diablo). The lights are on inside during this shot, but we turn off all the inside lights and put on strobe lights inside the house for extra scary effect while the kids are going around. We always get several kids asking, "WHAT's going ON in there?!" To which we always reply ominously, "you don't want to know.":

So you can see why this is a nice diversion. Just putting these pics up made me feel a little better.

Eating smaller.

2006-10-12T10:56:00.000-04:00

I may have to get the book described here. It reminds me of a couple of certain aspects of my own personal dieting experience that may be worth re-visiting (even though I now firmly believe that "dieting" is misguided, and causes more harm than good). The more significant experience I'm thinking of occurred while I was doing The Z0ne for a while. I was struck by how little food you get on that diet, but more significantly, I was struck by how that little amount of food often really did satisfy. In fact, this is where I got my "small apple + 3/4 ounce of cheese = satisfying snack" snack. It was a practical lesson that I could eat a lot less than I thought and not end up hungr. Which reminds me, one of the things I absolutely detest about WW is that while on that program, I was hungry constantly. CONSTANTLY. I mean that.

I see people in the weight-loss world try to get all valiant and noble about hunger, and try to talk themselves and others out of the natural urge that suggests hunger is bad, hunger must be satisfied. They say things like, "Oh, there's lots worse than hunger! Who can't deal with a little hunger?! I'm stronger than that!" Or similar, probably more inspirational and pithy little sayings. What those people refuse to acknowledge, in my opinion, is that hunger is a primal, animal urge. In a match between animal urges and intellect, well... We can overcome animal urges with intellect to a certain degree, of course. But constant hunger, experiencing the constant, animal, non-rational urge will always ultimately be a losing battle. Animal urges win. They're survival urges, and you can only pretend to ignore them for so long. And I think the 95% failure rate of dieting efforts bears this out.

Which is not to say I think efforts to exercise and/or eat better have to fail. Just ask the 5% of dieters who succeed. But I think we have to be realistic about the hurdles, and not just try to wish them away, such as with “hunger ain’t so bad” speeches or mantras. And I truly think I can eat less and not be hungry. This book seems like it kind of touches on that issue, indirectly.

Dr. Wansink, who holds a doctorate in marketing from Stanford University and directs the Cornell University Food and Brand Lab, probably knows more about why we put things in our mouths than anybody else. His experiments examine the cues that make us eat the way we do. The size of an ice cream scoop, the way something is packaged and whom we sit next to all influence how much we eat. His research doesn’t pave a clear path out of the obesity epidemic, but it does show the significant effect one’s eating environment has on slow and steady weight gain.
…
To his mind, the 65 percent of Americans who are overweight or obese got that way, in part, because they didn’t realize how much they were eating.
“We don’t have any idea what the normal amount to eat is, so we look around for clues or signals,” he said. “When all you see is that big portions of food cost less than small ones, it can be confusing.”

Although people think they make 15 food decisions a day on average, his research shows the number is well over 200. Some are obvious, some are subtle. The bigger the plate, the larger the spoon, the deeper the bag, the more we eat. But sometimes we decide how much to eat based on how much the person next to us is eating, sometimes moderating our intake by more than 20 percent up or down to match our dining companion.

For me, and I suspect for many women who marry and gain weight after marriage, as is typical, this may help explain that weight gain. My hub ALWAYS eats a lot more than I do, but if this researcher is correct, I’ve increased my own eating simply because I’m always sitting next to a bigger eater.

Check out the article for yourself.

Uncle.

2006-10-02T14:39:00.000-04:00

I have said uncle. I've given up on hiding from it, denying it, assuring myself that if I'd just do a little more X and a little less Y, it will go away. It's been hounding me consistently since I was 26. And foolishly, for 10 years, I have had my head in the sand about it.

I am now medicated for high blood pressure.

After a week on the medication, my blood pressure was almost normal, at 130/80.

This is a medically important decision for me. It resonates through me that I have been very bad about taking genuine care of myself, something I wanted and tried to do in part through my attempts at weight loss since starting this blog, but for some reason I truly cannot comprehend, really genuinely taking care of myself is something I am loathe to do, that I constantly put off, that I choose to ignore. The denial is shocking, when realized. It's something to deal with, and hopefully, resolve.

And, yes, this decision is also another step on the path of totally giving up on the idea of weight loss, though of course it's not totally given up. I told my doctor I disagreed with her recommendation to lose weight, though I agreed that I should exercise, and that I would. "Well, one follows the other", she replied, matter-of-factly. "Maybe so and maybe not, but regardless, the exercise is good anyway" said I, feeling both a little depressed that weight loss was no longer something I really believe in for myself, but also feeling that tiny twinge of hope that maybe, just maybe, she would be right. That I would lose weight. I can't completely let go of the deeply-ingrained desire to be slimmer, more fitting with the current cultural ideal of bodily attractiveness, or really, acceptedness.

But I'm also angry at the recommendation. Fixating on the idea of weight loss as the (potential) cure, instead of exercise, is misdirection if not misinformation. For starters, my physician told me - first words out of her mouth, in fact - "No one knows what causes high blood pressure." Well, if you don't know what causes it, then you necessarily don't know that weight, in and of itself, is one of these unknown causes. And so, on that point alone, recommending losing weight is obviously baseless. It smacks of the age-old problem of always blaming a fat person's fat for whatever is ailing them.

Not just that, but The Diet Myth lays out that the data in medical studies shows that re-gaining lost weight - which of course you're 95% likely to do, if you do lose some weight - actually triggers or contributes to hypertension. So if I follow my doctor's "advice" to try to lose weight, I'm 95% likely to worsen my condition. Considering I've regained almost all the weight I've ever lost, I do have to wonder if my high BP hasn't been either caused or exacerbated by my personal diet history, which my doctor is now ENCOURAGING me to continue. "Even 5 pounds can make a difference", she sniffed. Yes. Right. It can make a difference to a condition I've had for 10 years, at body weights spanning over a 50-pound difference, and at activity levels no one short of a real athlete could criticize. Right.

And furthermore, hello! AS IF I'VE NEVER LOST ANY GODDAM WEIGHT BEFORE. How could a doctor look me in the eye, eye my entire body, up and down, see my weight on the chart, and think I've never had this idea before, on my own, to lose weight? Really arrogant and frankly, stupid. I started justifying to her that I had lost weight in the past but then caught and stopped myself. I am making no apologies for myself to her. I have been down the lose-weight road, and like many others who have been down that road, find myself a bit worse for the wear, unfortunately.

But what I can and should do, and am doing, is getting exercise back into my life and improving my eating habits. I eat pretty well, but I could avoid more processed food. But the bigger key to health is exercise, so that really should be my higher priority, though it's tougher, in a lot of ways. The spirit is willing but the flesh is reluctant. I did walk both days this weekend, but I can't say I'm excited about it. I may try a dance class, which seems more engaging, if less regular. I'm bringing my mp3 player to work, with the plan that I could take at least a 15-minute walk at lunch on nice days.

Baby steps to treating my body better. Starting with a yellow pill every day.

Foodie no more.

2006-08-15T15:13:00.000-04:00

Thought I'd pass along some examples of what my food life looks like now that I am not a foodie.

My new favorite lunch is this totally KICK-ASS arugula salad from the sandwich place up the street from work. It's a ton of arugula, which I didn't even know that I just love, with roasted red peppers, tomatoes, slices of fresh mozz (found in heavily Italian-populated areas, and OMFG is it good), slices of grilled chicken and balsamic vinaigrette. Sometimes it comes with a crouton which is like a piece of bruschetta toast, but without the bruschetta topping. People, this salad kicks serious ASS. I think WOW every time I eat it. Yum!

I made fresh pesto last week with the basil growing on my back stoop. It was gooooooood. My hub found a nice almost-gemelli type pasta, with a twist and a ridge to catch and hold the pesto. Sliced grilled chicken layered on top. OMFG, yum. Then, we had caprese salad with it: fresh mozz, cut in nice fat slices, with slices of fresh tomato (grown on my rear patio), whole fresh basil leaves, and spritzed with olive oil and balsamic. YUM YUM, what a delicious dinner!

Every day I eat fruit. I am not so crazy in love with how delicious fruit is lately, as I have been at other (foodie) times, but I find the GI really does need it, so I have about 2 servings a day - sometimes 3, sometimes 1, but probably generally around 2.

When I feel like a doughnut, I go get one and eat it with absolutely no remorse or even second thoughts. It's a good thing, the donut. Not very filling, though. The last time I had one was maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago.

When I want chips, which I often eat with my lunch, I get the little single-serving bag and eat them, without remorse. I don't think about them before or after eating. They are in my stomach, not in my mind, once lunch is over.

I think about food so. much. less. In fact, I think about food fundamentally as a function - I need a meal, or I'm hungry and need a snack (rare) - and as a pleasurable to very pleasurable way to do that function.

I find I eat a good bit less at meals. I am full much faster, so I am eating slower. I am not counting a fucking thing on my plate, except perhaps the cost when I am not able to eat much of what I've ordered. Even my hub has commented repeatedly on how little I am able to eat; he's asked me if it's intentional. It's not. It's just what is natural in my non-foodie state. Having the mental gymnastics gone is wildly freeing.

A co-worker came back to work last week after a maternity leave and gasped, looking at me, "Have you lost weight?! You look so slim!" I haven't, and one of my reactions was to remember that weight loss is a shock to the body, usually a sign that something is very wrong, at least outside of the dieting culture, or maybe just the culture that diets. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. My body is fine. It is getting nourished with a variety of generally healthy, delicious, seasonal foods. And the occasional donut.

It's been HOW long?!?

2006-07-25T15:02:00.000-04:00

Wow, 6 weeks!? Well, I sure have been busy and stressed, and that's why no updates here. Oh, and because I'm not a giant foodie head anymore, and this blog has, historically, been near-totally foodie-head-oriented.

I have been very busy repairing, cleaning up, sprucing up and "staging" my house to sell it. The brutal truth is, our circumstances have changed since we bought it 4 years ago, and we can no longer really swing the gargantuan mortgage payments necessary - at least, not do that and do, well, anything else. Plus, we can't justify the expense for so much space that we really don't use. Now that it's just my hub and me and our delightful cat, with no step-daughter, we really use maybe half of our house. And it costs a fortune in winter to heat, on top of our gargantual mortgage payment. So, hopefully we'll be able to sell it, despite the market changing lately, and I'll lose several tons of house-weight.

We are almost done with all the work and plan to list it this weekend, after a GC comes out Thursday and does some final items that we can't DIY. Having done nearly everything on our lists of things to do has, it seems, at least for now, freed me from my insomnia. It is SO NICE to be sleeping at night, every night. S-O N-I-C-E.

So, where are we going? Don't know yet. If the house sale gods smile on us and we sell quickly, before we have figured out my hub's job situation, we will just find someplace local to rent short-term. But longer term, it looks like we'll be moving to either Chicago, Philly or LA. Each of these places is exciting to me for its own reasons. The one I am most enthralled with, however, is LA. I grew up in California and Florida, so there's an almost innate appeal to me for that kind of climate. But Chi-town has a lot of appeal, too, though decidedly not for climatological reasons. Philly is, I guess 3rd on my list, at least at this stage, but I would still consider it a real step up from living in the NJ burbs. I'm just not really a burbs gal. Burbs are really all about kids, and I'm not. So please, get me the hell out of here! But, in a comfortable, non-emergent way, as long as I'm asking for things.

On a foodie note, yesterday I had 5 servings a day of fruit and veg, yay! Can't say my non-fruit and veg choices were the greatest of the great, but getting the fruit and veg means I'm at least getting some of the good stuff, and that's a good baseline, to my mind. If I move to LA will the fruit and veg be cheaper, or cost more? 'Cause I've just got to have it. Fruit in the morning, every morning, is one habit I've established which seems to stay with me regardless. And I think that's a good thing. I need to return to doing some exercise, and I'll be doing even better.

Please cross your fingers for my house selling! The house two doors down has been on the market for over 2 months now. Yikes! On one hand, I am going through my reasons of why my house is different from (more sellable than) theirs, but on the other, I DON'T want to be one of those sellers that deludes themselves that their house is so "special". It's just a house, albeit a house with a shitload of my own personal work hours put into it. I've quit regretting them, and now just chalk it up to lessons learned. Part of my reaction, though, is that I'll be glad to be free of owning for a while. The amount of work, at least for an older house, is staggering. The amount of shit to constantly be buying is even more staggering. Enough! I'm so goddam sick of constantly having another thing to buy, to make it just the tiniest bit "nicer". No more light fixtures! No more mailboxes! No more water leaks and cosmetic repairs and old, peeling paint and old water heaters and boilers. Enough, already! Assuming that some one else will come along and want this for themselves. Gawd, I hope so.

I woke up today in 1992.

2006-06-14T10:59:00.000-04:00

I was the person I am today, but transmitted back in time to my life in 1992. It was both a blessing and a curse. I thought of the guy I was into, and thought, what a waste. I wondered how to manipulate the situation a little bit with the guy I should be into, a friend, who was cute and smart and funny. Was he mean, or demeaning, to me sometimes? I want to say yes, but can’t recall a specific instance, really. What I recall is he was a nice guy, a guy I might have missed out on. I don't think we’d have gotten married or anything. But, I think I missed out on a relationship there, of whatever duration, because my attentions were focused on an idiot. An idiot, though, who legitimated me, in some sad way.

I was in my first year of law school. I saw my clothes and thought, “Bleeeeeech! WHAT am I going to WEAR?!” All my clothes seemed, now, extraordinarily genderless. I want to look like a WOMAN! What am I going to do with these boxy, gender-free clothes?! I had no money to buy new things; I was desperately poor then. Even my shoes were hideous: all I wore was Keds all the time. What was I trying to do, remain a child, or retain a child-like image? I am a woman, I want to look like a woman, a sexy woman, not an ungendered overgrown child. I shudder, trying to look back through my 1992 closet, wondering if there is ANYTHING in there that looks like me. I'm wondering if my bras even fit right.

I thought of my friends. I have realized in my life that a friend I had once, I was friends with her because she made me feel better about myself. I subtlely mocked her, both to her face and behind her back. I was ashamed to realize I was doing this, and that realization, and the shame, have stayed with me. Now, going back today and waking up in 1992, I see my so-called best friend, a woman I had known since seventh grade. I realize for the first time that she had that relationship with me, that she was friends with me because it made her feel better about herself. This is a blow, to look back and realize. But, then, I showed her: in 1992, I was turning the tables. She didn’t quite know what to do with this relationship structure when I went to law school, and became “better”, and got some other friends, who were “better” in some ways, too. From there, I see now, the friendship started to die. It ultimately breathed its last, labored breath in 1996 or 1997. I have mourned the loss of this long-term friendship ever since, in some small way - until today. Today I saw it with fresh eyes. And I was disappointed.

Back in this time when I was surrounded by so many people, and was so much more social than I am today, I realize that, although I’m surrounded by friends, I am dissociated, comforting myself with phony relationships. I live in the same town I went to college in, so I have a lot of my college friends around, but I feel disconnected from them, now that I am in this new phase of life, being in law school. I look around at my law school friends and other fellow students, and feel disconnected from them, too. They’re all a hell of a lot smarter, as a crowd, than my college peers. I am afraid I’m not as good as them. No, I know I’m not as good. What I’m afraid of is that I’ll be found out. I try to keep a low profile, try to have enough friends, the right friends, to pass as normal, acceptable. None of those people are my friends today, in 2006. Well, one: the guy I think I might have missed out on the more significant relationship with. We still stay in touch, once in a while. He’s a nice guy. He has a great wife, and a couple kids. If we lived closer, I think we’d all be friends today.

I realized, again, how much I hated law school. But I was sleepwalking through my life until about 5 years ago, and was especially sleepwalking in law school. Now, I’m awake, and my awake self looked around and thought, what a colossal waste of time and energy. I’m incurring all this debt, and living through this desperately unhappy existence for what, exactly? Now, I know the answer to that: a job. That’s it. Maybe some prestige.

I don’t know what I’m doing in law school. But I don’t know what else to do! I have to do something to support myself, immediately. I can’t afford to take any time and just veg. But maybe I should just get whatever job I could get to pay the rent, buy some food, and some wine, and figure things out. Try to find the friends that value what I value. Try to figure out, while I’m still 22, what it is, exactly, that I value.

14 years have passed, and I still don’t know what else to do besides law. I find this curious. I still feel I can’t afford to just take time off to veg, and figure things out. Now I have a colossal mortgage payment hanging over my head. In 1992, I could live for 5 months on the check I deposited today, the check that won’t pay my mortgage. Now, I see that situation, my financial situation in 1992, as affording me so much freedom! I look back and I’m jealous, almost, of that freedom. Then, I remember, that didn’t feel like freedom at all. That felt like suffocation. I counted every penny. Saving a dollar mattered. I never took a vacation. I couldn’t buy clothes that made me feel like a woman. I shared a 4 bedroom, 1 bath house with three other women. No air conditioning, in the sweltering Georgia heat. No air conditioning in my car, either. Trying desperately to fit in, to get approval, with my neutered clothes, my “acceptable” friends, my dumb life, that was merely something I was getting through on the way, hopefully, to this approval.

In 1992, my life was passing me by. I let it. I wasn’t even noticing.

Now, I’m noticing. It’s terrifying to think about finally, actually making the changes that I need to make.

Back and better.

2006-06-07T12:07:00.000-04:00

Well, we made it to Japan and back. It was a really good trip, a real adventure, considering that we were totally on our own, unguided, in a truly foreign environment. Took a couple days to get our bearings, but ultimately we got things pretty well figured out. I think I got to see all that sounded interesting to see in Kyoto, with a side trip to Nara. The only really negative thing about the trip is that it kind of put me off flying for a while. We flew, unfortunately, in coach. 18 hours, both ways. I actually even had a middle seat on the way back, a day that lasted, I kid you not, 36 hours. In coach. In a middle seat. Yeah, good times. Thank you, international date line!

Despite the aspect of the actual travel itself, and its accompanying trials on my body and psyche, I am very much refreshed by my vacation. One of the cool things about being in a TOTALLY foreign place like Japan, is that it is a genuine mental break from your real life. It's a lot of work trying to read maps, menus, subway and bus signs, and your food, in Japanese. It's so much work, you can hardly ever even think about your real life. The only bits you spend any time thinking about are the nice parts, which you smile over for a minute or two; the bad bits that flutter into your mind here and there just make you shudder and push them away from consciousness. So, after 10 days of that, I am definitely feeling relaxed and refreshed. I am feeling more ready to figure out what I want to do with my life, and where. That's been my goal for, oh, about 8 years now. Regardless of how I do on that, though, hopefully I'll have some vacation pics soon to put up. We saw some really beautiful sights in Kyoto, and walked miles and miles and miles. Regretfully, I forgot my pedometer. I would love to know exactly how much we walked. We walked so much that my feet would still be sore in the morning, after resting all night.

And, speaking of resting all night, my insomnia does seem to have largely passed. I am not sleeping the whole night through, yet, but still, I am sleeping most of the night which is a huge improvement. Maulleigh, I laughed my ass off at your comment on my last post. Of course, I was extremely sleep-deprived at that point, so maybe I was just punchy, but in any event, it cracked me up. And I think turning the whole schedule upside down may just have helped. The good thing about prolonged sleeplessness, though, is that you do learn to live without sleep. Some years ago, I was totally unable to stay up all night, and when I did stay up too late, I sorely felt it. My first trip to Europe, I was way beyond addled after the overnight flight. Now, I can stay up 24 hours and be nothing but a little tired. Is that what they call a silver lining? It is nice not to be totally incapacitated by lack of sleep... but I still want my sleep! And things have been improving on that front. I am trying to resolve to myself to hang on to the post-vacation relaxed, unhurried approach to life. I strongly suspect that this may help my sleep habits.

My eating habits need some work, too. I was eating totally unconsciously before vacation, and eating vacation style while on vacation. In Japan, though, the food consistently was small, though, so it's not like there was any chance to go overboard. Coming home it's been almost a shock to receive what's considered a regular portion of food here. Whether with large or small food, though, I have not had good, solid, nutritious eating for a while now, and it's time to get back to that. I think that may help my sleep, too.

So, back to the grind, I guess - the bad part of vacation, coming back to your real life. At least it comes with it's nice aspects, too, like sleeping in your own bed, which I found extra comfortable after being away from it, and showering in your own shower, which seems extra roomy and water-pressurized, too.

What's in your head, in your hea-ay-eh-ead...

2006-05-19T10:53:00.000-04:00

Zombie, zombie, zombeh! eh! eh!

In my 5th week of insomnia, can you tell? I am a walking zombie. Fatigued, disoriented, not really worth a damn, tired all the time but can't sleep. Last night was the worst yet.

And now, of course, in my state of zombie exhaustion, life has really snowballed. I have guests in from out of town who I adore and want to entertain, and we have lots of plans and things to do. Meanwhile, I have continuing work around the house to be done. My hub is on-and-off travelling and interviewing. I need to get my hair cut and highlighted. We are leaving for Japan next Friday. Work has exploded and has lots and lots of demands. Meanwhile, I can't think straight, or even type straight.

I've decided to go to a sleep disorder clinic, but will not be able to do this before we leave for Japan. I am going to try to go the chiro today and then also perhaps get a half-hour massage - ANYTHING to try to help unkink my kinks and get me back to sleeping. Last night, I laid awake, exhausted, til after 2. Then I had some fitful on-off dozing til around 5, after which I just laid awake again. Argh!

So things are rough here right now. Good things going on, too, just a LOT of plates spinning right now. I could sure use some real rest. If you think of it, please send some sleep vibes my way.

In the kitchen with Wendy.

2006-05-09T12:06:00.000-04:00

Not cooking, though - remodeling. Actually, more like face-lifting, for my kitchen. I may need to sell my house soon, so I have been very focused on fixing its blemishes and updating what I can (without remodeling, that is) in case that eventuality comes about. I'm doing my own version, every day, of Designed to Se11 (did I ever mention here that I have a crush on L1sa Laporta? Well, now I am channeling her!). I busted ASS all weekend refinishing my kitchen cabinets. I daresay that, with the new stainless hardware, they actually look pretty good. Not quite as good as sleek, shiny, new cherry or maple cabinets would look, but good nonetheless. Hub and I will be ripping out the old countertops, sink and faucet and installing new ones in short order. We are also cleaing, spackling and painting around the house. On top of this, we are clearing out old items by selling a little and donating a lot. And we have LOTS of old items to deal with, unfortunately. So, its lots and LOTS of work around the house these days. It's been hard but it's also rewarding, in a way.

On top of this, hub has been travelling for the past week or so, and he usually does the cooking. All this extra work and stress has profoundly increased my existing general inabilities in the kitchen. Which is the blustery way of saying my eating has taken a huge backseat. Concern for nutrition? Almost completely off the radar for now. Though I have been trying to make sure I get some fruit in, the past few days. Hub returns tomorrow, and I told him he owes me some delicious (and healthy!) dinners. We've got our herbs and tomatoes growing on our patio, and I'm eyeing those every day, thinking how we'll eat them! My basil has grown almost double its size in the 6 days I've had it.

So, just an update to let you know I'm alive, but right now, my mental energies are required on, and being devoted to, other fronts: the homefront. Hopefully the hard work pays off one way or another - for a quick sale at a good price, or, if no sale ends up being needed right now, for our own increased personal enjoyment of our home.

Ever lived in or around Philly?

2006-05-01T12:15:00.000-04:00

I've got a lot going on offline right now, so not much time to come here to update. I've been eating pretty crappy since about last Friday (as in, 10 days ago). Once I get started on that path, the old habits just kick right back in. Way too easy to go on auto-pilot with not so great eating.

One thing I having going on right now is investigating a possible move to Philly (for a job in Delaware, right outside of Philly). Has anyone out there lived in Philly? If so, and you feel like chatting about neighborhoods and such, could you e-mail me? Or, does anyone have any suggestions on books or magazines I could take a look at to start scouting out the area? Any suggestions would be much appreciated. Thankey.

Sleep-deprived.

2006-04-24T10:14:00.002-04:00

Over the past four years or so, I have developed what has become a chronic sleep problem. It comes on for weeks at a time. When I'm experiencing the problem, I wake up at 3, or 2, or 1:30 a.m., and can't sleep for either the entire rest of the night (!) or can't sleep until around dawn. Then, I'm so exhausted I have a very hard time getting up. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I can never fall asleep - I literally lay (lie?) there awake, all night long. This even happens when I take sleeping pills.

The problem is usually a racing mind. When I wake up in the middle of the night like I'm talking about here, it will be with my mind racing, full of all the things I need to do, thinking and re-thinking sometimes the same things. And worrying about, will it all get done, HOW will it all get done, what will be the results and effects if it does (or does not) all get done, etc.

I've been having this problem for the past week. Started last Monday, I think, when I was awake from 3 til 6 a.m. Tuesday night I woke up at 2 a.m. And so it continued for the entire rest of the week, even when I took sleep aids to curb the problem. By Friday evening, I was completely disoriented and barely functional. Despite this tiredness, and even with a full dose of sleep aid, Friday night was the same (for sleep) as the prior 4 nights. So Saturday night I said, no sleep aid, it ain't workin', and, as I got ready to go to sleep, I tried to talk myself into believing I would have a full, restful night's sleep, would sleep the whole night through, and would turn my mind off any racing thoughts.

I don't know if it was this talk with myself or the sheer exhaustion, but Saturday night I actually did get a full 8 or 9 hours, hoo-rah! I felt so-o-o much better Sunday, having had some real rest! So I tried this little talk with myself again last night, but this time, unfortunately, no dice. I woke up at 1:45 a.m. Argh! After lying awake for a long time, I did finally start fading in and out of fitful dozing. So now, I have a pretty good (week long) sleep deficit going, I am tired again today, the circles under my eyes are ghoulish, and I just really want to know, what can I do to stop this problem?! Any help out there from anyone who's suffered sleep problems?

Sleep-deprived.

2006-04-24T10:14:00.000-04:00

The pleasures of eating… healthy!

2006-04-20T13:59:00.000-04:00

I ran by the mall at lunch today, and so I decided to pick up lunch at the Qd0ba there. I got a naked vegetarian burrito (vegetarian only because I have consistently found the meat there very weird and, to me, inedible), and it reminded me of a couple pleasures and pains I wanted to share with y’all.

First of all, I got an aesthetic and oral thrill from the huge glop (that’s a technical term ;) of guacamole that accompanied my non-burrito burrito. Huge! Pretty! Guacamole green is something special. And the taste... oh, the taste! And the texture, all slippery and creamy. And then, the thrill of finding chunks of avocado in the guacamole. Yum! What a joy, to multiple senses, to get to eat such a delicious and fresh food. I mean, it has to be fresh, or it’d be an ugly and very unappetizing brown.

The guacamole reminded me of some women colleagues of mine, who I’d had lunch with several times at this very Qd0ba. All of these women had struggled with weight, to varying degrees. One, I found out at some point, was apparently a “closet eater”: she ate Like A Good Girl in public, I presume for the benefit of people she believed were watching her, but in private, she would do things like, eat an entire batch of cookies. Now, both of these thoughts distress me, in different ways, but in roughly equal proportion. The other eating thing about this particular woman (we’ll call her Nancy) was that she liked to say how she was a “grazer”. She ate all day long, but made a big show when her grazing was healthy foods. I point this out because I believe snacking is one of those things that actually makes and keeps you fat. I know plenty of people disagree with me, and that’s fine. To me, hunger between meals is a sign you didn’t eat enough at your meal – and Nancy proved me theory, eating her Good Girl lunch, which of course was never enough, and then snacking throughout the day to try to satisfy the hunger.

Anyway, my point about Nancy and the other women is that they were genearlly pretty much horrified and afraid of guacamole. “Oh no! That has too much fat in it!”, they would proclaim, refusing any offer of the offending green stuff. And it was said with a sort of self-righteousness, and judgmentalness that comes with eating Like A Good Girl. Or, if they did eat it, it was with guilt and apologies, and an attempt to give most of it away. Eating Like A Good Girl, by the way, apparently means suffering, and lots of it. It also, in my experience, tends to end up meaning eating pasteurized processed food-type products, instead of actual food, at least according to how I look at processed food-like items versus stuff that is readily identifiable as actual food. I guess I'm reactionary that way.

"No guacamole!" They cried. "Too much fat!" Especially for fat girls, we can’t possibly have something with fat in it, least of all in PUBLIC! Yet these same people would get their flour tortilla, which has twice the calories (I am not making this up) as the guac! Not to mention, the (hyper-processed) flour and excess carbs is part of, I believe, the cause for the very real hunger and/or physiological cravings that shortly followed their floury but guac-free lunch.

Guac, though, is the good stuff! The fat in guac is the best kind for your body. More than that, avocado, a fresh fruit, has other micro- and macro-nutrients, all of which you get in addition to the good fats when you’re eating guac. Add this on top of the very visceral pleasure of eating this food and really, ya seem like a damn fool to me to turn this stuff down. Which may be part of why I don’t hang around these ladies anymore… but I digress.

One of the fringe benefits of my weight loss efforts last year was that I rediscovered how truly delicious some very simple foods are. Take pineapple, and mango. I knew I liked them, but for some reason just never had them very often. A splurge for me was something processed, not something natural. But in making it a point to try to get 5 a day, and in trying to always mix it up, and not eat the same things day after day (both to avoid boredom and to ensure you’re getting a good mix of nutrients), I had a real reason to buy and eat those foods. They became the splurge. And, Oh! My! God! How sweet and delicious pineapple is! How tender and succulent and slippery and subtlely sweet nice, fresh mango is! Serious pleasure flows from eating these and plenty of other all-natural foods, like the guac. A flourless chocolate cake may be good but honestly, it’s a tough call to say it’s better than this stuff. Am I right?!

Another thing I discovered last year was how truly wonderful fresh herbs are. Toss some cilantro or basil leaves in your salad, and WOW! The pop of their fresh taste along with the variety of things in the salad is, honestly, a delicious meal. Or, pop some fresh tomatoes, a bit of onion and cilantro in your food processor and in about two minutes, you have what may well be the best salsa you've ever tasted. After having it fresh, the stuff in the jars seems gelatinous and weird, and no longer appeals.

The biggest issues here is that, in my experience, being a dieter often keeps you away from this incredible bounty! Guac is too fattening, pineapple and mango have too much sugar, no time to make fresh salsa because you gotta have another batch of 0-p0int soup on hand, blah blah blah, while you mostly choke down the latest pasteurized processed food replacement product, not too remote from the Jetsons, and focus on trying to find its good points.

Um, no thanks.

Which is funny, too, since, as little miss ess pointed out in comments recently, that someone said to her, “oh, I could never give up my potatoes” or whatever. Well, I myself could never give up my pineapple, or my mango, or god forbid, my guac. I find it curious that people tend to focus on what you’re cutting out, instead of what you’re getting back. But then again, maybe that’s because, on the standard “diet”, you’re really not getting much back at all. You’re suffering, paying pennance for the sins of (perceived) gluttony, and weighing more than the anorexic cultural ideal. Just like a Good Girl is supposed to.

Again, no thanks. Oh, and fuck you very much for suggesting it.

Later this week, if anyone’s interested, I’m going to do a first for me, and post a recipe for some truly outstanding broccoli salad, made with olive oil, garlic and soy sauce. Heavenly! French fries might not ever tempt me again, with food this delicious around. What delicious foods do you love including in your healthy diet? I’d love some new suggestions. Enjoy your food today!

A different way of looking at food.

2006-04-18T12:22:00.000-04:00

I am continuing on the path of eating for nutrition and health, inspired in part by the book, The D1et Myth, and by the blog, Act Boldly. As I've stated here recently, realizing that fat is not the health risk that the media relentlessly screams that it is was a very transformative moment for me. But now, it’s a matter of living that transformation – transforming my habits in addition to my thinking.

The plan these days for me is really pretty simple: eat for nutritional value. Try to get in some exercise regularly, at least about 30 minutes a day if possible - and it isn’t always. Focusing for today on the "eating for nutrition" part, the shift in thinking and slow transformation of my habits (including habits of thinking), has really been interesting. I am viewing my food now truly as fuel for my body. This is a pretty profound change. I am thinking carefully about the nutritional value – or non-value – of whatever food choice I am contemplating. So far, when I look at food this way, I really and truly mean it, I’m not just trying to talk myself into caring about nutrition, or talk myself out of wanting something I crave. And, this way of looking at food pretty much diffuses cravings. When I am hungry and looking around for something to eat, if my eyes fall on an old favorite, Cheez-1t’s, my inquiry is, what nutrition is there in Cheez-1t’s? And my answer to myself is, none. Not only none, but for me, they actually have a negative nutritional value because eating that kind of highly processed carb leads to carb cravings for me. So whereas I have previously been tempted by the Cheez-1t’s, or permitted myself whatever amount as an acceptable serving, now I honestly don’t even really want them. I want food that has value in it for my body, food that has content my body can use. This type of thinking diffuses the power that junk food has had over me.

Thinking this way eliminates the throw-in-the-towel mindset that I’ve had as a dieter. What I’m talking about (though I suspect if you're here, you're familar with this!) is when you’ve had a bad day, or week, or whatever, foodwise, you tend to want to just throw in the towel, just say “fuck it”, and eat whatever you feel like. But looking at food for its nutritional content actually creates the opposite sort of desire! If I’ve had a nutritionally empty lunch, then I really want to make that up by getting extra nutrition – meaning more nutritious foods – at dinner, or for a snack. I actually put this in action last week, when my hub and I planned to go get gyros one night at a diner. Knowing ahead of time that my dinner was going to be largely nutritionally empty, I really wanted to, and did, make sure I got my nutritious foods in during the day. Then, the next day, it was right back to a nutritional focus.

One thing I am realizing by looking at food this way is that, in restaurants, it can be pretty difficult to get nutrition on your plate. You can get plenty of calories there, but so far, I’ve found it kind of hard to get nutrients. Take, for example, 0n the B0rder, where I recently ate. The closest I could come to real nutritional content there was the guacamole, and the beans on the side. Perhaps a meat or chicken taco would provide a little nutrition. But the fish tacos that I used to love, seem pretty lacking when it comes to nutritional content. In fact, it almost seems like eating a food prop, instead of real food, these “foods” with little to no nutrition in them. But truth be told, it feels pretty damn good to start really valuing my food correctly. It has really loosened the grip that food had on me – a grip that, in large part, I think I owe to dieting, and how dieting creates fear and loathing of food. The fear and loathing of food, which I know I am not alone in experiencing, having spent many hours in We1ght W@tchers meetings, is really kind of tragic: food is one of life’s most sensual pleasures, something we should all be enjoying every day, without remorse or guilt.

So far, then, this shift in thinking is going well. Unfortunately, I haven’t yet broken the habit of counting calories, though I do it at the end of the day, after my food decisions have already been made, and in my head only. I hope to shed this, too, but right now I have still not yet shaken off the fear of gaining weight, or the desire to be thinner. To be perfectly honest I am hoping that this way of living leads to weight loss. Yet this desire is followed closely by the realization that lost weight that is regained is very much a health risk, and I've done this several times, so I really do not want to do that to myself again. Only weight loss that is real, and for the first time will not come back, is what I want at this point. It’s difficult to let go of the desire to be thinner, but it also feels pretty healthy, emotionally and physically, to recognize that yo-yo weight loss and gain is unhealthy and that, more than anything, that just has to stop now. My body deserves better, and I’ll get a lot more from my body, if I quit imposing that incredibly severe stress on it. And I am. I’m quitting that.

Fatisodes.

2006-04-10T11:17:00.000-04:00

I was reading last night in The Diet Myth about how much difficulty heavy people encounter in exercising in public - that is, that that is where they are ridiculed most, in the setting where they are exercising. Isn't this just tragically ironic? That people who hate heavier people will actively and meanly lash out at those heavier people, at precisely the moment when those heavier people are doing something healthy for themselves?

Thinking about this very particularized abuse of heavier people got me thinking about the times in my life that other people have made nasty comments about my weight. But other than the millions of weight comments made by my family, I have never really been on the receiving end of many weight comments. I think I've been fortunate. Looking back, though, I wonder if it also doesn't just put the lie to all my family's weight comments. I mean, if no one else was commenting about my weight - and judging from the blogs, people surely do receive a LOT of mean comments about their weight outside of their family - then was my weight really as far off as my family was saying?

But then again, the fattest I have been is surely as an adult, not as a kid. And, it's been as an adult that I've gotten the only two (non-doctor, non-family) negative weight comments from people (that I can remember, anyway). And, believe it or not, one of these was while exercising, while walking for exercise on a trafficky street. My (also-heavy) friend and I were walking and talking with each other, minding our own business, when a car full of men went by, and one of them shouted out, "You're fat!" Um... duh. But, what the hell business is it of yours? And what the hell do you think I'm doing out here, anyway? Do you see a cake or ice cream cone in my hands? Dumbass?

This is, to me, an incredibly cruel irony - that heavier people are ridiculed for their heaviness, precisely when they're trying to lose weight and/or get fit. What is wrong with people, anyway? Who the hell do they think they are, to randomly throw out-and-out meanness, at complete strangers?

Thankfully for me, the positive side of growing up in a very mean family is I learned to cast off most of this stuff. Sure, that comment stung a little, but I mostly laughed (wryly) at how empty someone has to be, to be inspired to throw meanness at a stranger. And, I'm a little embarrassed to admit that, deep down, I also deflected the comment by suspecting that it was really my friend they were talking about.

If this happened to me now, I would be torn between getting angry ("Who the hell do you think you are, and why the hell would you think I cared about your opinion?"), and just blowing it off (why should I care what some stranger who is so obviously nasty, thinks?). I can say for myself now that I would totally own the comment; that is, I would take full responsibilty for being the target of it, and not cast that insult onto my friend. Indeed, if I thought it was my friend they were targetting, I expect that at this point in my life, I would probably get angrier than if it were just me. Have you gotten these comments? What did you do? What would you do now?

Let's take the weekend off.

2006-04-07T12:21:00.000-04:00

So, I think I've mentioned that I've been doing some new reading lately. I like to read "myth-busting" books, that break apart current cultural myths, and the current reading I'm doing falls right in this category. Namely, I'm reading Freakonomics and also The Diet Myth. Most relevant to this site, and the weight and health issues I've mostly focused on here, is of course, The Diet Myth.

Reading The Diet Myth has been transforming my thinking profoundly. In the book, Campos reveals how there are actually huge disagreements within the medicine and scientific communities that actually study weight and its effect on health. In particular, there is enormous disagreement over whether what is now defined as "overweight" and "obese" (recent definitions, mind you) actually have a negative health impact. To the contrary, the data cited by all the so-called experts in support of their theorem - that fat is unhealthy - actually seems to reveal the exact opposite conclusion - that is, that having what is now called "excess" weight is actually much healthier for you. And, indeed, being even 5 pounds "underweight" carries a much higher mortality rate than being, say, 75 pounds "overweight". And I am using quotation marks around these terms very, very intentionally, since of course these are arbitrary definitions.

Reading the many screaming media headlines about the so-called "obesity epidemic", you would never, never know or even suspect that such a disagreement existed, among the people most familiar with the data and the studies. You'd never suspect it!

What Campos points out is, that except at the extremes of weight, the categorization of certain weight as being "excess" is really, at bottom, a cosmetic one. It is only about how you look, and reflects the current cultural ideal of thinness being synonymous with virtue. Yet this purely cosmetic, aesthetic preference has been erroneously medicalized; people who find fat disgusting have propped that up, or hidden from that, with so-called concerns for fat people's health.

This is all just to give some idea of the concepts that I am mulling over right now, and how profoundly it is affecting how I view myself, food, my body, and weight loss attempts.

Campos points out that the number one health risk is smoking, that smoking alone will affect your mortality likelihood more than any other factor by far. After this, addictive use of substances is the most harmful thing you can do. Then, an active lifestyle is very important in keeping your body healthy, as is eating foods that give your body nutrition. Weight has little to nothing to do with it, except at the extremes. And, as Campos puts it, recognizing that thinner people seem to have slightly lower health risks, for some conditions (though heavier people have lower health risks for other conditions), and trying to attain those benefits by becoming thinner, is much like recognizing that bald men have higher health risks, and so giving them all hair implants to avoid those risks. That is, treating weight as its own problem is treating a symptom, at best. And if it is indeed a symptom, it is a symptom only of lack of physical activity and poor quality food. (And, of course, many people who eat poorly and are sedentary are naturally thin, but bear the exact same health risks as those who are heavier!) Changing the bad health habits may or may not lead to weight loss, but they will most definitely lead to increased health.

So this is the thumbnail sketch of where I am right now. It was a profound shock for me to realize that while I was hating my body at 180 pounds, my body was actually in a place of optimum health. Can you imagine? The body I feared and hated and loathed, was actually a well-equalized body. It just didn't match the thin ideal I had been conditioned to see as "better". Losing and gaining weight since then, however, has itself created health risks for me! Had I only known to appreciate my body, a little soft though it may have been, I would have never been lured into health-harmful behaviors! What a shock to think that what I loathed, and feared, and just knew wasn't good enough, was actually quite good for health and longevity, in large part because I ate pretty well and was really quite active then.

It was the fear and loathing of the fat that gave power to the food! It was the fear and loathing of fat that made exercise seem like a chore! It was the fear and loathing of an actually very healthful amount of fat that hid me from myself for many, many years. I have hated myself, people. Literally hated myself, simply because of my body size.

And now, that I have had my eyes opened a little bit, and seen that these so-called concerns for your health, which is really just a barely nicer way to say, "You're too fat!" Well, they are all lies. And I feel so relieved, and empowered. I have no reason to hate myself anymore! I'm not "deficient" after all! I'm fine they way I am. My body deserves care, not hatred. It deserves quality food, with nutrients in it, and regular exercise to keep things humming smoothly. Hating naturally occurring curves, though, only gets in the way of these things. If you hate your body, how could you possibly truly want to do right by it?

And now, I see that hatred of oneself and one's body practically leap off the screen at me in the different weight loss blogs I read. And so many bloggers recognize, they know they're hating themselves! Yet, they're so powerless to stop. I know, I've been there, I've spent years on that path, that path that simply acquiesces to the message that, if you have any "extra" flesh, you are disgusting. When you take a step back and think about that, it's really quite amazing. And more than a little disturbing.

So please, my fellow body-conscious folks, let's take the weekend off from looking at our bodies with angry, jealous eyes. I say as a budding artist, the chubby bodies, the "imperfect" faces, are actually so much more interesting to draw or paint! And, let's just try to quit seeing that junk food as some sort of treat, when it's really a trick: it looks like food, you eat it like food, but if you consider food as putting nutrition into your body, you realize that crap is not truly "food" at all. Your body deserves better! YOU deserve better! Your body deserves your love, and your care. Your body is beautiful, it serves you well, and what you see as flaws are really the things that make it interesting. Who the hell wants to spend their life simply conforming?? Give some love and respect to yourself and your body this weekend. Take the weekend off from finding fault with yourself and your body. Please!

Nearly out of bounds.

2006-04-06T11:09:00.000-04:00

So my beloved daylight savings time** is here, and I haven't been able to enjoy it yet. And yes, like the rest of you, I am T-I-R-E-D! This first week is always tough in the morning. But well worth it for me, usually. I had my first day of DST, and indeed the first evening gain of DST, at the Top of the Rock, which was unbelievably cool and beautiful, and I highly recommend it. My mom was in town visiting, and I had it planned and timed such that we would get to the recently re-opened Top of the Rock just before sunset, and damn! what a good plan and time of day that turned out to be. It was truly gorgeous, and a beautiful, clear, warm day to boot. The view was spectacular, the sunset and sky were breathtaking, and the architecture all around us was equally impressive. All in all, well worth the trip and again, I highly recommend it.

I spent Saturday and Sunday running around Manhattan, showing my mom the sights, and if you've been here, you know, it's exhausting to do that much sightseeing at once. For me, it followed a very intensive and tiring week, so exhausting week + exhausting weekend + being unable to sleep over the weekend due to stress + DST = a currently very tired Wendy.

And while our weather was truly extraordinary over the weekend (my mom got soooo lucky, it's never warm and beautiful like this the first week in April here), since then it's turned chilly again, and yesterday we actually had something weird: thunder snow. Looked out the window, and was surprised to see not just snow, but snow coming down heavily! Then, there began these long rumbles of thunder. It was tres bizarre... but also kind of cool in its freakiness.

So that's it for me for now. I'm BEAT, and am sorely tempted to skip my drawing class tonight to just rest. Hope all is well wit' you's (as we say here in Joisey).

**(ooh, ooh, next year we get even more DST! it starts a few weeks earlier, in MARCH, and ends in November, starting in '07. YAY for those of us in the NE!)

Quickie update!

2006-03-30T12:10:00.000-05:00

Got my exy* yesterday by doing YET MORE YARDWORK! I filled three more barrels with yard waste (already filled 4.5 over the weekend). And I'm still not done! I've got another half of the front yard to do, but that will have to wait.

I had some fun exy* by doing some planting yesterday!!! Got some pansies, primroses and tulips at the Home Despot yesterday, and planted two window boxes for my rear stoop, and four little pots, one for each stair going up to my rear stoop. I use my backdoor far, far more than my front door, and now, I must say, the back entry is so beautified it really makes me smile and feel extra spring-y. The weather here has been unusually warm and as you can see, I am making the most of it! Lots of hastas are poking their little shoots up through the soil, and the hyacinths around my as-yet-unblooming dogwood are indeed growing and starting to open. I'll be having the sweet scent of hyacinth greet me every time I come and go, starting any day now! I watered them on my way out this morning to encourage them to keep comin' on up out of the soil.

Hmmm, has this turned into a gardening blog?

Yesterday, I kept getting hungry all day! I generally try to avoid snacking, but yesterday turned out to be one of those days where I ended up eating around every 3 hours, which, I know I know, is what many people recommend. But me, I'm anti-snacking, and actually generally don't need to snack if I eat enough at meals. Yesterday was an exception, and I was extra extra tired last night, too tired even to read. Well, lo and behold, today start's TOM. I have always found I am more hungry during PMS, but this month, my PMS symptoms have been, like, zero (hooray!); to have only one hungry day is great. For my body to be less uncomfortable, I think I must be doing something right, eating more nutritious foods and getting more exy*!

Oh, and T-3 days to daylight savings! Woot!

(*exy is my new short-hand for exercise. love it or hate it, it's just lots easier to type, plus I kind of like the double-entendre. cheers!)

T-6 days!

2006-03-27T15:24:00.000-05:00

Til daylight savings that is, woooooo hooooo! I tell ya, nothing puts gas in the engine like extra sunlight around here! I am really pumped that we start getting an extra hour of evening sunlight starting THIS SUNDAY!

When I lived in the South, people used to complain about daylight savings, and truth be told, I tended to kind of join in on this. I was spoiled by already having a decent sundown time, and could only focus on it being harder to get up after daylight savings. In NJ, however, sunset is around 45 minutes earlier than where I was in the South. And in the middle of winter, that 45 minutes is the critical 45 minutes: it starts getting dark here at 4 PM! It gets better a tiny bit day by day, as the days get (literally) a minute longer every day, but it's a huge improvement to switch to daylight savings. I can't wait. Just 6 days! Huzzah!

jee, can you tell I'm excited?! :P

So, as I've noted before, my thinking about weight and health issues is shifting based on some new reading I'm doing, and for now, my plan for myself has shifted to basically two things: (1) eating for health - that is, eating foods that provide my body with nutrition, as much as possible, and, (2) becoming active on a regular basis. And I define "active" as just about any physical activity at all. Friday I took a nice walk, just because going for a nice walk regularly can improve your health and cardiovascular system, and also just because it's enjoyable to get outside in cool-ish but sunny weather, and enjoy my favorite music, and look at all different aspects of my beautiful neighborhood. And, it was good.

Then, on Saturday and Sunday, I did lots of spring cleaning around the house and out in the yard. Seriously, I raked and got rid of debris for like 2-3 hours each day! My lower back was a bit tired from all that bending, but it wasn't too bad, and I felt like this was a great way to get exercise: rather than make something up, like a walk, I did something that needed to be done, and which also got me moving, so it was two birds with one stone. And really, it felt (still feels) great to be so productive. Usually my hub does the outdoor stuff, but he's away, and I thought, why not. And it was nice to do physical work, where you have a tangible result when you're done! The yard looks great, and I can't wait to plant! I may even just go ahead and do some pansies in flower boxes this week, as I can't wait to get some color in my yard.

The only cloud on my horizon, so to speak, is my mom coming to visit this weekend. I'm already bracing for her endless negativity and narcisissm, and really, it's already kind of bringing out a lot of hostility in me. I might be OK if hub were around, but he won't be here til halfway through the visit. At least it's something...

But, in any event, at the end of it all, I'll have longer days and nicer weather to enjoy in my yard - and, finally, WITH my hub, after his recent protacted absences. So, I've at least got some good stuff to look forward to. Maybe that can be one of my mantras!

What do beauty standards measure?

2006-03-25T11:33:00.000-05:00

This week I found a kick-ass new blog that I have developed an immediate, intense crush on. It's "I Blame the Patriarchy"; if you're a radical feminist, or have an interest in that type of thinking, go take a look. If you're not, or you don't, you may just want to skip on to your next blog that you read. No offense to you, and none will be taken by me.

Well, I read a post over there earlier this week that really and truly resonated with me and, combined with other reading I am doing, really gave me a light-bulb moment about the self-loathing of women in this culture - how it is not an accident, or a byproduct, or unintentional, or a side effect that is worth enduring for X, Y, or Z (or rather, should I say, XY). The post comments on another blogger who apparently, and quite lovingly, finds a very significant part of her identity in her own physical attractiveness.

That is, how this other blogger looks is how she seems to identify herself. Her appearance is, to a large extent, who she is.

Doesn't this floor you? It sure as hell floors me. It pisses me off. It enrages me, that someone could think so little of themselves, that their own decorativeness is their single most defining feature. And, it pisses me off, because there is no chance in hell that the majority, or even a significant minority, of men find their value in their appearance.

And then there was one commenter that really just blew the lid off. Commenter #87, blew. my. fucking. mind. when she said, in part:

...in any event, it’s violently clear that the thing humanity values in its women is not beauty at all.

It’s obedience! Surprise!

And connecting this with the "beauty standards" that culturally imposed for women - isn't that what "beauty standards" are, really, at bottom? Measurements of our obedience? And of course, I can't help but note that there are little to no "beauty standards" for men. Any male "beauty standards" are considered more quirks or preferences of the hetero women or gay men who employ them, that those people like a certain "type".

This is a biggie. To me, it's huge. So I just had to share.

Over it.

2006-03-23T11:33:00.000-05:00

Yes, indeedy, I am over my funk. Thanks in part to the scrumpdillyishus Hilly, who bumped me in the right direction. Part of my funk was a very natural response, I think, not just to self-denial, but to lack of weight loss results flowing from said self-denial.

My thinking is changing these days, though. In fact, I may even be de-programming. Do you know I have never done exercise simply because it is good for you? Or simply because I liked it? It has always – ALWAYS – been connected to weight loss or maintenance for me. And I strongly suspect I am not alone in this type of thinking. This, when the fact is that regular exercise simply makes you healthier, not to mention making you feel better, sleep better, etc.

Regular exercise may or may not lead to weight loss. And if not, so what? If I’m healthier from the exercise, and I eat not to excess, and my body ends up at whatever weight from these good habits, isn’t it pretty unnatural (if not a disorder) to expect a different result than what I get? To be thrown into a funk when good habits don’t create a certain, narrowly defined result?

The other day, Hilly had a question up – what do you like about yourself? What makes you special, beautiful, loveable? To be honest, I was terrified by the thought of actually answering this question. I didn’t respond to it with a comment on her blog (or anywhere else, for that matter). But I realize now that this is just ridiculous, RIDICULOUS, that I am ashamed and feel like an impostor to believe in – or to announce to the world – some positive things about myself. Don’t we all have positive things? So, after initially rejecting (OK, running terrified from) the idea of doing this, I'm taking the plunge, and here are some of my great qualities: I’ve got a crack sense of humor, gorgeous eyes (yes, I said gorgeous, honey!), a lot of warmth and compassion towards others, a lot of intelligence, mad analytical skills, some enviable artistic abilities, and good taste. Oh, and I’m sexy, and funny, and thoughtful, and considerate, and creative, and very, very generous.

Sexy, you say? But, I'm fat, right? So what. Yes, I am sexy, even at this weight. You should see me today, people. I am working it in a pair of brown pants that actually FIT, and accordingly look pretty damn nice, matching brown heels, a pale blue/aqua twin set, and my hair just came out perfect today. Looking good, is what I am. Too bad hub’s not around to enjoy the show! ;)

Today, I am not going to obsess over counting every speck of food I eat. Today I am going to feel good about myself. I am going to make healthy choices, as much as I can. But, I am not going to obsess. Today, self-loathing is not on my agenda. Ciao, my lovely readers! And, if you care to, please tell me what you like about YOURSELF today. I would love to hear it!!

Itchy and irritable.

2006-03-21T10:29:00.000-05:00

OK, so I think you gathered from my last post that I was pretty cranky about this whole fitness/weight loss effort on Friday. Regrettably, my mood really hasn't improved much about it since then. In fact, I acted like a brat pretty much all weekend, having four, count 'em FOUR, apple martinis Friday night, followed by choices like gyro and fries, or dinner of cheez-its and red wine. Nice, huh? Actually, on Saturday and Sunday I managed to stay under 2,000 calories, but considering there was very little actual food involved (really, is a gyro actual food? I'm skeptical), it's not an accomplishment or anything to be proud of.

Yesterday, my hub left for London for two weeks, and my grumpiness intensified. I got a piece of prepared salmon for dinner from Wh0le F00ds, and damn if it did not taste 100% like ASS, I kid you not. I was almost literally itching to go out and get some C0ld St0ne Cre@mery or something. Instead, I dove into a box of S33's candies that my husband, the pusher, brought me from California last week. They weren't even that good! In fact, one of them was so not good, I did something I've never done before: leave a half-eaten candy in the box. Because it was one ass-y chocolate. I never even suspected that such a thing existed.

And the weather has turned crazy cold here, so there ain't no way I'm getting outside for exercise.

My mind keeps turning to the vending machine down the hall, and the sweet, chewy (or crunchy, salty) things in there that I can amuse myself with.

Nice, huh? Yup, I'm a continuing source of gen-u-ine inspiration. What can I say, some days are better than others.

I think I broke it.

2006-03-17T10:40:00.000-05:00

My metabolism.

Last year, when I tried to lose weight, I lost 6 pounds in two weeks. 6 years ago, when I did WW, I lost 6.5 pounds in the first week alone. This time? It's been 2 and a half weeks, and I've lost a measly pound.

And, can I tell you? I've been more honest than ever, the past couple weeks. Stuff I never journaled before, I'm journaling now. I'm staying around 1500 calories a day, per Cal0rieKing.c0m, counting every fucking morsel - but also mixing it up with the "Wendie Plan", to try to help the weight loss.

But I got on the scale today and damn if that fucker didn't read 223.5, after reading 222.5 one day last week (amid 224 readings on all the other days). What the fuck?! This is very frustrating, and feels pretty damn pointless.

Maybe, if I can find any patience somewhere under all this irritation, I should try S0uth Beach, like little miss ess...

Sweet JESUS, I finally BlogRolled!

2006-03-15T18:53:00.000-05:00

Oh my lord, I am so freaking relieved and proud of myself for tackling the monster!

I tell you, this BlogRolling thing has just vexed me ever since I first tried to do it. I am almost totally html-illiterate, and I knew that was part of the problem, but, quite frankly, I do at least as well as the average person, html-wise, and plenty of average people had mastered the G-D BlogRoll, so it was pissin' me off! Every time I saw, on some blog, the perky little "Powered by BlogRoll" proclamation, it just irked me! How come everyone else could BlogRoll but me???? I use FireFox instead of IE, so I figured it was browser-interface problems that were conpsiring against me. Supposedly, in BlogRoll you just "click here" to make things automatically happen, but nothing was ever automatically happening for me!

Well, consistent with my get-with-it attitude of the past two weeks, I finally rolled up the proverbial shirtsleeves and just dove headfirst into BlogRoll, determined to Get It.

And, lookee over there on the side, I am now officially "Powered by BlogRoll". What can I say, girls rule!

Oh, and while I was at it, I also changed my template like I've wanted to lately. Actually, the issue was kind of forced, because somehow, I managed to delete part of the old template while cleaning out the manual links. That was the impetus I needed - literally - to go get the new template.

I had the day off today (I have the luxury of working part time). But I have found, doing this part-time thing, that I tend to lose all the extra time I gained by going part time. More often than not, I sit in front of my computer most of the day, which is a freaking GINORMOUS waste of time. It's worse over the winter.

But again, consistent with getting with it lately (which may in part be due to winter receding), this morning, I got myself up and out, and went for my wogging, pre-C25K style. I did not one, not two, but FOUR jogging intervals, yay me! But a funny thing happened when I tried to get my mileage on Gmaps pedometer. Somehow, it came out to much, much lower than I expected, based on how fast I was walking the whole time (I was hoofing it, I thought!), and then including the jogs. My pedometer said more, too, so I am kind of vexed - did I forget part of my walk? since I tend to meander back and forth between various streets in my neighborhood - or was it just not nearly as far as I thought?

That was the opposite of what usually happens when I look up my mileage, and it was kind of a bummer, truth be told. But, then again, que sera, sera - I got out there in the 42 degree weather, and wogged for 43 minutes, hoping against hope my mp3 battery would hang on for the duration and yay, it did. Mileage be damned.

Recycling Eve.

2006-03-13T19:40:00.000-05:00

Day-um, I felt GOOT this morning! There just might be something to that endorphin thingie after all! Or, it might be mental. I took a nice long walk yesterday evening, in the cool, misty, NJ early spring, with a beautiful streaky-pink sky and some super-rocking tunes on my mp3 player, and it was so nice that I was even inspired to include not just one but TWO jogging intervals. It was like a pre-C25K thing, just because the spirit moved me. And I felt pretty freaking great about it, especially this morning. That, along with some sor-ish ab muscles from doing my ab video on Saturday, and I was just feeling high this A.M. It was so nice! What a great change from the usual slightly-hungover and grumpy Monday blahs.

So, I am taking a French class, in case I might need to flee the country at some point, in which case I’d like to move to Europe, and even if I don’t need to flee, it’s kind of a dream to live somewhere in Europe someday, or maybe even just Canada, if they’ll take me, so I need to be ready, and speak one of their languages, right? Of course! (I already know some Spanish, or, I should say, un poco de espanol). So anyway, I’m taking French, so I fool around with G00gle’s translator here and there and discovered over the weekend, to my great delight, that their translator includes dirty words. Merde oui! What a pleasant little find. Thank you, G00gle, you really do know all!

So this post is titled Recycling Eve because that’s what it is tonight where I live – it’s Recycling Eve. Our recycling is picked up every second and fourth Tuesday, and you have to bring it all out to the curb, separated and in re-usable containers, and people put it out the evening before, so I have dubbed it Recycling Eve, because for me, it’s kind of an event. I just lurve walking on Recycling Eve, because I lurve peeking into people’s recycling containers and seeing who has lots of soda cans, what kind of vodka my neighbors drink and how much of it, just HOW MANY beer cans will be in my across-the-street neighbors aluminum container, that sort of thing. I even kind of like being annoyed by my neighbor's matching recycling containers (they ALL match! grrr!). It’s gotten so I don’t even always try to be cool about peeking in as I walk by. I slow way down to try to read the wine bottle labels. I may be making a big spectacle of myself but seriously, I adore this little peek into people’s real lives. So my walk tonight was nice, again with the fresh, misty, cool NJ early spring evening and another gorgeously pink-streaked sky as the sun went down. The recycling scenery that so many people had so kindly placed out for me was the cherry on top.

Don’t mock me, you know you would look, too!

I think I've found another one...

2006-03-12T13:38:00.000-05:00

of my weight issues.

But let me back up and remind you of a big wake-up I had last year. Losing some weight last year helped me finally, finally realize that even 5 pounds, even at my weight, is a lot. It's truly noticeable in my clothes. Maybe not for others, in looking at me, but definitely it is for me, in how I feel in them.

I had always been in denial about this. I heard thinner people lament about 5 pounds, and that really pissed me off, to be honest. I'd inwardly sneer, what the hell do you know about extra weight!? 5 pounds?! Give me a break, skinny bitch, before I start holding you down and force-feeding you cheeseburgers and Little Debbie's (and not the good ones, either - I'm talking St@r Crunches).

Especially at my 200-plus-pound weight, I totally negated the impact of 5 pounds, whether it was a gain or a loss. Does 5 pounds really make a difference in a 225 pound world? Not hardly, to my way of thinking. As such, I didn't care much about a 5 pound gain... and it went the other way, too: I didn't put much stock in a 5 pound loss. It was just a start, a drop in a bucket, that's all.

This sounds like a small issue, but actually it was quite a big one: it represented my denial of the impact of weight. If you deny the tip, you deny the whole iceberg. No matter who carried the extra 5 pounds, I wrote it off. I told myself, it didn't matter. I still have a habit of doing this, actually, when it comes to other people, but habits take a long time to break. I have broken it for myself, at least, and breaking it when thinking of others will come, too, I'm sure.

It was this lesson, from just last year, that helped reign me in on my weight gain over the winter. I had stabilized around 217-218 last fall, and over the winter got back up to around 225. From this lesson, I knew, knew, in a very real way, that this jump was a lot. And, I knew that not just was it a lot, it was a stepping stone to more.

It was partially this lesson, together with support from my weight loss blog sistahs, together with an idea that I could do just a baby step, that got me back on the horse again this year.

And, I am in the throes of a new lesson up here on this horse, one that might sound dumb, but again, it's a biggie for me.

That lesson: all the calories count. They all count. Whether I cconsciously ount them or not, honestly or not. Kind of like M0nty Pyth0n's "every sp3rm is sacr3d" - every calorie isn't necessarily sacred, but it counts.

What I mean by this is, that again, I was in denial. I would cheat on my calories - grab a handful of this or that, neglect some exercise, thinking it doesn't really matter, really, at my weight, my fat alone burns 3,000 calories a day, so a little fudging here and there really shouldn't make a difference. I was making excuses to deny the reality, the impact, of putting more food into my mouth.

When Diet Grrl posted her link to find your RMR, it was truly a shock for me to see that my RMR was only 1700-odd calories a day. That site also has a link to calculate your daily caloric needs, and again, this was a good bit lower than what I had thought. Not that it was worlds apart, thousands of calories of difference, but for some reason, the difference was enough to make me get it, to make me realize that the activity calories you choose to burn - or not - do make a difference, that handful of sunflower seeds (80 calories) really does matter. Taking the weekend off with lots of extras really does matter. It was sobering. My body happens to store the extra calories (my theory for the moment is that some people's bodies DON'T seem to store their extra calories, they just eliminate them), and so all the extras consumed, whether I choose to consciously recognize them are not, COUNT, in this body o' mine.

And this realization is leading me to another realization: that on some level, I've always known this reality, but I've cheated, or chosen to turn a blind eye to my bad eating, or lack of exercise, to try to get away with something, to rebuke or reject or defy the reality that all of it counts. That part of the junk food eating for me may just be plain old childish defiance, trying to lash out at authority, trying to say, I'll show you. I should't eat this? I should exercise? I'll show you.

I've realized for a couple years now that I have problems with authority, and that this habit grew up in my childhood, as a reaction to my parents' narcissism. And now I'm thinking that my food and exercise choices may actually be intertwined with this, too. And the lessons learned - like 5 pounds really is a lot, or that all calories really do count - may represent the transition for me from perceiving the authority to be outside me, my dumb-ass parents telling me what to do, into making myself my own authority. External authority, I just reject. "Screw you, dumb-ass parents," says I. But internal authority, a desire to do right by myself, now that's feeling like a much different - and continuing - story.

Joy and pain.

2006-03-09T15:01:00.000-05:00

This is a very personal entry. I'm not quite sure why I'm posting it on the internet, and I may indeed take it down, and just keep it somewhere private. But for the moment at least, here we go.

Went for a walk yesterday evening, woo hoo! It’s my first walk with my new mp3 player – my old one died on my birthday eve, if you can believe that anti-gift, which was literally just a couple days after the warranty expired. That really sucked, as I really loved that little guy! Plus I didn’t want to spend the money on a new one. I did some research, gathered some credit card points for a gift card at an electronics store, and got a new player, different brand, back in January, but hadn’t really used it much yet. So, this walk was my first real street trial of the new player, which was good, and it was also my second walk this week, which was good, also, if a bit chilly.

One thing that occurred to me as I headed indoors is that I am out there, getting exercise, a full month earlier than I first did it last year. As this blog reflects, I didn’t really get into the health/exercise/weight loss thing til April 11 of last year. And I did really get into it, with some success, losing about 26 pounds, but then, last fall, I stopped losing (actually gained 2-3 pounds) and lost interest in continuing to pursue healthy habits. Over the winter, I got a little depressed, as I usually do, because it’s so damn dark here in the winter, and really because, deep down, I kind of hate myself, and I think the unpleasant truth is that part of me actually likes being depressed.

So, there it is. Self-hate.

The past two months were particularly bad for me and my self-hate. I had been feeling consciously shitty about myself, consciously realizing all the time how much I suck at this or that, what a fraud and a phony and an impostor I am, how it’s my own damn fault because I suck that I have no friends anymore, that I’m fat and will always be so I’ll never look any good and that’s why I never had much man action, blah blah blah. Anyone recognize this? I was truly in an emotional tailspin, swirling around and around my defects and deficiencies like waste water slowly swirling around and down a drain. During that period, I gained back about 6 more pounds.

Even though I was very consciously thinking about how shitty I am, and how much I suck, I didn’t really connect the dots, that this just was a long spell of feeling extra shitty about myself, and that it was just a really ugly side of me getting the upper hand. Which is to say, I was just believing all the ugly stuff. Damn you, ugly side! I am way too ready to believe the bad stuff about myself. Leave it to the inimitable elle jay to offer up a cute label that both helped me identify how I was feeling, and take the first step in disengaging from it – laughing at it: describing it as feeling F.I.N.E. Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. Yup, that was me all over, feeling just F.I.N.E. during most of January and February. (And actually, you can also add an L for lethargic, to boot.)

Something, I don’t know what it was, perhaps it was the survival instinct, roused my from this emotional near-coma, dragged me back to this blog and the other blogs I like to read, and gave me a little jolt of something I had really been missing: plain old nurturing. Living in NJ, I am embarrassed to admit, my social circle has whittled down like I never expected it to: I have no family around, and not really any friends living around here. Though I have always been kind of a loner, needing a good bit of alone time, I have also had, for most of my life, several different social circles I moved in. No more. For a while, I was trying, but again, no more. I’ve given up on making friends here, on top of pulling away from every friend I ever made in NJ, and pulling away from all friendships and social contacts at work as well.

Add on top of this that I am really, really bad about staying in touch with what social network I have – why is that? Why can’t I get better about that? I just feel lazy when I think about making a call to a friend or family member – I never feel like it, or I have an excuse for why it’s a bad time. Why? I could come up with individual reasons for each choice, but not a reason for the overarching pattern that is definitely here. I have pulled away, and continue to pull away, from most social interaction – yet the lack of that interaction is leaving me emotionally starving. It’s to be expected, with this set-up, to be under-nurtured.

So it was like water in a desert to get the comforting and positive words on my post here a couple weeks back. It awakened me to the fact that I was indulging in habits of self-destruction, constantly at that point. It alerted me that I was doing things that hurt, over and over, all day, and I wasn’t doing ANY things that made me feel good. Instead, I was creating (or just adding to) my pain, and then sedating that pain, with drinking, and food, and lots of mindless TV.

And I remembered: this is not taking care of myself. *I* am not taking care of myself. Quite the opposite, I am beating up on myself, and depriving myself out of good things. What good things, I need to find out.

Back when I was in therapy, several years ago, my therapist asked me once, what were my joys, what things did I do that brought me joy. I still can’t really answer this question. But it’s a question I desperately need to answer. I want to change my life – move to a new location, set up in a new house, meet new people, have a new job – I crave overwhelming change, a chance to be a happy, fulfilled person, if only I could get all circumstances right. But I think this desire is actually a desire to change *myself*, focused outward instead of inward, because outward is a lot easier. As a colleague once said, you take yourself wherever you go. You can change every circumstance, but you are still you, just in a new setting. This urge is a misguided attempt to find my joys purely from the outside. Obviously, the circumstances matter – most of us can’t get joy from being alone, staring at a wall, but the internals matter, too – all the great circumstances in the world don’t matter, if the “joy” switch inside isn’t set in the “on” position.

And that means turning off, or at least turning down, the self-loathing.

Housekeeping.

2006-03-07T11:48:00.000-05:00

Well, only three months after I realized I needed to update Ye Olde SydeBarre, I finally did, go check it out. One link I added is to Big Fat Blog, a fat acceptance website, which, in some ways, may seem at odds with a weight loss website. For myself, it is not inconsistent. I think fat-loathing often leads to fat, or helps keep us fat. For some of us who eat for emotional or psychological reasons, I think it's only when we stop hating our fat and hating ourselves that we can let the fat go. So I think there's a lot to be learned there. Plus, it's very eye-opening to see how fat is demonized - literally - so openly. It's almost shocking.

To be fair to my efforts and to myself, I must admit that my last highest weight was actually 225.0, not 224.5. This is just a speck of difference, but, you know what? When every little bit of fat is totally resistant to disappearing, then every little speck that you DO disappear, COUNTS. I weighed in at 224.0 today, so I'll take that as a 1-pound loss, thankyouverymuch. For a week's efforts, that's actually good (yay, me!), though, of course, I'd love to see a huge drop on the scale. Without exercise, I know, that's just not realistic.

Speaking of exercise, I do plan on doing it! It just takes some cooperating weather here, which is on its way, woo hoo! I am not a member of a gym, and this late in the winter, I really don't want to pay a signing fee when really I'd rather walk (or C25K) outdoors anyway. I really don't care for treadmills or other gym machinery - other than resistance machines, that is, I really do enjoy those. I am cutting back financially these days, on top of being kind of cheap (and believe me when I say I am UPTIGHT about money, having grown up pretty poor), so joining a gym again when I have wasted so much money on gyms over the years is just generally a very, very tough thing for me to do. But it should be in the 60's here Friday, yay! Not to mention even now, I would go walking (or C25K'ing), so long as there is no precipitation - and I will.

Finally, big ups to Diet Grrl, who provided a fantastic link below to find out your RMR and calories used each day. These numbers make a lot more sense to me than the ones I cited below, and show me that at what I was doing, I should expect a one-pound a week loss at most, not two pounds. So, thanks for the reality check, Diet Grrl, and for linking to your blog. I'll be checking you out again soon!

Onward!

On a roll in real life, but not on the dial.

2006-03-06T12:19:00.000-05:00

As you know from my Friday post, I actually MADE IT all week keeping calories reasonable (under 2,000/day. By the way, I got this number from some about.com article or something about how to lose weight. Supposedly, you take your weight in pounds, divide by 2.2 to get the number in KG, then multiply that by 30 to see the number of calories you use in a day. For me that's around 3,000 - so 2,000 ought to be a 2 pound/week loss, right? Wrong. Of course).

So, in light of my stunning success and a bit of (I thought) well-deserved back-patting, I have to admit to being a tad disappointed to stepping on the scale on Sunday, and seeing the number 224.5. Again. I had really impressed the hell out of myself by staying within this caloric guideline all week, and drinking my water - and then not only that, but having circumstance such that I stuck with this guideline all weekend, too.

All weekend too!

So there's no splurge and resulting bloat there to blame. There could still be a bit of TOM weight there, though; maybe the number will be lower this week.

Rationalization/clinging to any shred of hope aside, it is just plain disappointing to Get With A Program for a week and not see any results. And it's usually the first week that's the BIG ONE, you know, a crazy-ass loss that in no way makes any mathematical sense.

Well, I guess my result makes no mathematical sense either, but in a bad way, not a good way.

I think I remember Zara peeling off the last bits of a 90-plus pound loss following something like 1200 calories a day? Or was it 1400? But that just seems crazy impossible to me - I know, because I've done it. I was constantly hungry, dieting at that calorie level. And one day, after some months of that incessant hunger, I just freaking snapped, that was it, kaput, no more living that way for me, ever, period. That's just not enough! There's no room for error, or cheese, with that kind of number.

So, is that the only option? A crazy caloric number? What caloric number do you use? I was thinking back to my longest term weight maintenance, when, during most of my 20's, I fluctuated mostly between 180-192. *sigh* What a delight that would be. I lost that weight by working out regularly, and initially by cutting fat to 30 g/day. I think I generally stuck with that, with deviations, of course, but as a general guideline to attempt, for the years that I basically stayed in this range. This seems wrong to me, intellectually, now that we know that that whole "Fat is the enemy" mantra was just plain wrong. But then again, something worked, didn't it? Or maybe it was just the higher level of exercise, coupled with being younger, and generally more active.

Speaking of being more active, though, I will say that, despite the unfortunate tête à tête with my scale, I did get more active yesterday: I went for a walk on what, I'm told, was voted New Jersey's best walk, through the South Mountain Reservation. It even included about 3 minutes worth of hiking, when we went off-road, on a trail (didn't last because the ground was soft and somewhat muddy, bleh!). So, the scale reading didn't crush my spirit or anything. Just kind of annoyed and depressed me. But, I'm tucking in and trying again this week. Yup. Trying again.

I made it!

2006-03-03T13:57:00.000-05:00

I did it, I made it to Friday! Keeping calories reasonable, that is. Also I drank lots of water. Did not really get any exercise, other than going to the mall one day at lunch to walk around, but that's OK, one issue at a time. Plus it was a bad weather week here, which, fortunately, should start improving very soon.

It was pretty easy sticking with things, when I was able to respond to urges for junk food or overeating with the thought, just wait til the weekend.

So now that it's Friday, though, I definitely feel the pull of the calorie-consciousness habit again - which is G*R*E*A*T! I haven't felt that pull in a while, so doing this - keeping calories in check for the workweek - has had that result, which is a *definite* benefit. Honestly, just getting back into the groove of the weight loss effort is often, for me, the hardest part.

So, go me! Mission accomplished. And no, I'm not headed off to eat my weight in cookies. Though I do think I'll have myself a cocktail or two, and a nice dinner, if the urge strikes. Have a great weekend!

Signs of life.

2006-02-27T14:49:00.000-05:00

OK, folks. Writing that last post – and receiving some pretty fan-fucking-tastic support in the comments – has got my mind back on weight loss/fitness. My mouth? Not so much in the zone yet (same story with my ass). But the increased brain activity has indeed lead to something.

And that something is this: this week, at least during the week, I will Make An Effort.

A big part of my problem is making the choice to indulge myself all the time, at every meal, and pretty much anytime between meals I feel like it. This ends up meaning one or sometimes all of the following: a sausage-egg-cheese croissant in the morning, an extra piece of bread at lunch, an unhealthy snack in the afternoon, wine or cocktails every evening, whatever junky-ass dinner I feel like if I’m cooking for myself, and if the urge strikes, a snack later on. Kind of embarrassing, actually, to type that all out.

Where my weight loss efforts have often led before is to good efforts all week long, and some or all of the weekends basically off-plan.

So this is where I am trying to go, this week, at least. I will drink more water. I will keep calories reasonable. I will eat more fruit and veg. I will avoid the crap food choices.

This is modeled a little bit after that little AA "poem" they whip out sometimes at W3eight W@tchers, that’s called something like “Just for Today”, and reads something like, Just for Today I can do shit and put up with shit that normally irritates the shit out of me, because I’m going to compartmentalize it and pretend that that shit is Just For Today. Only my little twist is that, I’ll put up with shit and cut back on bad shit and hold the line, just for the week, not because of some mental gymnastics of denial and pretense that some might say lead to schizophrenia, but because real relief is headed my way, on the weekends.

So today, this week, I can and will make an effort. And if you see me on Friday, I highly recommend you have a cocktail in hand. Which I would truly love to be able to share with you awesome weightloss bloggers out there. Truly.

Cheers.

Title-Free.

2006-02-15T19:36:00.000-05:00

Yeah, that’s right, I don’t have a title. It happens even in the Best of Families, you know? Not much going on here, weight-wise, just a slow creep up the scale as my back, of its own accord, remains firmly to the whole weight-loss, fitness, wellness themes.

The scale read 224.5 today. I know, intellectually, this is a big deal. 9 pounds up from my lowest weight (since I started back, last April, that is. I think my actual lowest weight would be my birth weight. And my lowest weight since becoming an adult - now that's just not fair, to think in those terms). Anyway, 9 pounds up. That’s a lot! But I’m not emotionally charged about it at all, and there’s just no drive to turn the tide. Not even any interest.

I’m not binging, mostly because I’m generally not a binger. I’m not one to sit down with multiple combo meals from fast food, or eating an entire pack of something, or whatever. No, what I do is make consistently BAD choices instead of semi-consistently good choices, quit worrying about fruit and veg, and drink very little water. You won’t catch me with a box of donuts, but then again, you don’t put on the pounds from one box of donuts. You put on the pounds because of the way you live, day in, day out.

I know this. In my head. But in my heart, there’s just no connection. I’m just not interested.

It’s almost amusing to me how, being hot and heavy into weight loss last year, I was thinking if I could stick with it for a year, I’d buy myself a sweet convertible. Like I’ve ever stuck with it for a year! I’ve sort-of stuck with it for a couple years, though, keeping off most of a 30 pound weight loss without too much conscious effort, for a period of several years. I was a lot more active then, and was single, and a good bit poor-er, which may have been why I generally had less food and alcohol in the house.

My initial goal with blogging was to go back and re-evaluate my weight loss successes and failures, see what I could learn from these, and what I could incorporate into my life. Well, I basically abandoned that for the delirium of chasing the numbers on the scale. Maybe I should go back and do this homework?

It does and it doesn’t pain me to know that I am just not attractive at this weight. Actually it’s more like it just irritates me. This is a little embarrassing to admit, but it would not pain me unless I needed to be more attractive – if I needed to attract men. What’s a tiny bit embarrassing about that is, shouldn’t I want to be more attractive for my husband? But ya know, he’s the one bringing me the desserts. So it’s not like he minds… I think.

So no revelations to report here. No breakthroughts, unfortunately. Just a kind of rambling patchwork of thoughts that have some nexus to this weight-loss thing, to note that I haven’t fallen off the earth.

Any/all great ideas for re-energizing are welcomed.

Results typical.

2006-01-17T20:52:00.000-05:00

Nothing to report really - just your average dieter, off the wagon, in a typical way. You know all those diet ads, that show some dieter who lost a jillion pounds, and there's always the (required) legend, "results not typical"? Yeah, as I think I've noted before, dieting has something like a 5% success rate.

And I'm in the 95%. Yup, currently failing. I'm in the "results typical" category.

Though I suppose it is somewhat atypical to be off the diet wagon in January, of all months. The month I used to hate, back when I was a regular gym-goer, because that was the month that all the resolutioners would come in and make life at the gym a good bit stickier and more difficult for about three weeks.

Not me. I'm not pissing off any gym rats, hauling my fat ass onto a treadmill at a prime hour.

What can I say? I struggle during this time of year. I can barely get up and get myself to work; I have control over my own hours, and, man, the time I get into work is later and more erratic all the time. The weather is tough for me. Staring down a good two more months of it is even tougher.

In the end, looking rationally at this type of thinking, it is an excuse. I guess. I mean I feel what I feel; and I can't really control what I feel. Ya know? I'm just not that into the healthy lifestyle right now. And I'm just not that into that much else right now, either - except my SuD0ku, that is.

Quelle surprise: je grossis un peu!

2005-12-16T11:16:00.000-05:00

So today and last week my weight is at 222.0. I updated my chart - I'm owning it. And I'm relieved that there's no gain from last week! Net, this puts me down 19.5 pounds for the year. I think I could easily lose a half pound between now and year end, to put me at a nice round 20 pounds lost. All's I need to do is try, really.

Truthfully, it's partially what I'm eating, but also definitely what I'm NOT eating - falling down on the fruit and veg, and failing to get much water. These are easy things! And, they often provide the added benefit of making you want the crap much less.

And, I know I need to re-introduce exercise into my life. Today, thankfully, some of our snow accumulation is melting and the temp is mild - mid-40's - so I can easily walk around my neighborhood, which I really enjoy. But the reality is that winter in NJ means little to no outdoor exercise. I need to either mall-walk, and/or get an exercise ball and some DVD's, and/or just join a dang gym. Maybe I'll mull these over on a nice outdoor walk today...

In any event, my changes right now are more of a positive slant - what I need to DO, rather than NOT do. At least that's what I'm focusing on for the moment.

Winding down the year.

2005-12-13T12:22:00.000-05:00

Fortunately, work for me is slow this time of year, so I've started getting in my "year in review" mode that I tend to get into. My birthday coincides with the new year, which accentuates the urge to look back over the prior year and analyse where I've been, where I wanted to go, and where I might be headed. So that's where my head will probably be for the next couple weeks.

And, in keeping with the deliberate change in my perspective, I will be updating Ye Olde Syde Bare - a task that's fairly overdue. I've been kind of out of the habit of reading other weight loss blogs much lately, because I haven't been in too much of a weight loss mood. Reading those blogs is something I've done for something like 6 years now, so I know I won't be stopping anytime soon; I'm just in a lull period.

There was, too, a specific event that helped trigger my realization that I need to update my links: getting an e-mail from Debra that she has decided to delete her weight loss blog. I have to say, it was a bit of a shock. Even though I'd been a spectator for years, I'm still newish to being an actual participant in the weight loss blog scene; maybe if I'd been around longer, I'd have already gotten an e-mail from one or more weight loss bloggers that quit their weight loss blogs. Certainly, I've seen plenty of them come and go; the pattern is usually that they blast onto the scene fiercely, all full of determination, and usually full-on fat loathing, which of course generally seem to go hand in hand. But at the end, it seemed to me that they usually just fade away - the updates grow infrequent, or sometimes abruptly stop. The blog usually stays around, un-updated, for a while, sometimes years, til one day you go look to check for an update and find it gone.

This was what I was accustomed to, in terms of the death of any given weight loss blog.

So, although I found it very nice of her to send a personal note, and I appreciated that, it was still just a shock to get that e-mail, and then to see her blog just deleted. She was weight loss blogging for around 6 months, if memory serves, and I guess it's fair to speculate that the "younger" blogs (such as mine is, too) are more likely to go kaput. But for some reason I just keep coming back to this in my mind, to the deliberate termination of this particular weight loss activity that Debra seemed to be very, very keen on. Perhaps I am just struck by the general parallels between the life of her blog and the life of the average diet, at least in my experience (though the ending is generally much less definite).

I guess it could also be that I am struck by this, simply because it comes at a time when I am regrouping, looking back on my weight journey over the past year, reflecting on strengths and weaknesses, successes and failures. I can't help but extrapolate Debra's blogging experience to something perhaps more universal, perhaps reflective of the weight loss journey, perhaps reflective of the ever-shifting priority of weight loss of all of us who want to lose weight, and with an ever-shifting priority comes an ever-shifting commitment.

Or, who knows, maybe it's just her.

In any event, I know she'll be missed, like many other weight loss bloggers who have left the building are also missed. I'm thinking, for example, of "new Nancy", Gwen "Peridot Diva", even Kim "Getting2Goal" (she updates very occasionally but mostly we don't hear too much from her).

I myself, though, am going to continue to stick with this for a while, sporadic and sometimes half-hearted, though it may be.

For the next little while, I have some reflections on advances I've made this year on the weight loss front. I am hopeful that I can find some strength in them to carry me forward, and if all goes well, maybe even build on them. I have to acknowledge the troughs too, though, not just the peaks. But I think I can learn as much from the failures (or just lapses) as from the successes. So I guess I'll just keep on keeping on.

slip, slip, slipping away

2005-12-07T19:46:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that a lot of bloggers out there are in the same mojo-free zone in which I find myself lately. It's a sort of comfort, but also sort of depressing, like a reminder that those of us with weight problems have permanent problems, that are encouraged to re-surface by things like nasty winter seasons.

I was so relaxed and refreshed by my vacation, which I have yet to really write about here (yes, yes, I know, split infinitive, sometimes you just HAVE to do it!). For instance, I found myself experiencing yesterday a level of irritation I really had not had since pre-vacation. It was a bit sad, a sense that the pre-vacation irritation and angst was worming its way back into my psyche.

So I think I may try to expunge by going back on vacation, mentally, when possible. By writing about it, as I had wanted to all along, and since.

For now, though, I'll start not by writing about it, but by showing you a happy moment, when I posed by some very weird but pretty fruit. Here I am, on a chilly November evening in Amsterdam, walking from Leidseplein back to Dam Square:

avoiding weight loss efforts = avoiding weight loss blog

2005-11-29T12:00:00.000-05:00

I've lost my diet mojo. So I've been kind of avoiding this space.

Had a conversation with a co-worker this week, one of those where you complain about all the food involved in the holidays, and all the food at your house, and how you haven't exercised, and how I need to join a gym but she just cancelled her gym and wasn't going, how something's gotta give, how eating hardly anything somehow just materializes in weight gain, blah blah blah, I think we've all had this conversation about a million and six times.

I was thinking more about this conversation as I got ready this morning, which is when I do some of my best organizational thinking, either in the shower, or as I apply makeup and coax my hair into what I think is attractiveness and pick out an outfit and so forth. And as I thought about especially the exercise component of the conversation I reflected back and realized I was in quite a good groove, for some MONTHS there, months that aren't that far away from me now, they're in the past, but in the very near past.

I was really in my little zone. I was finding it easy to stay at a moderate calorie level and exercise just about every day. My weight loss had sort of stopped, though. Not too long before I got knocked off my game by scheduling issues - though to be fair to the scheduling issues, I didn't jump back on the horse when the scheduling issues passed.

No, I got knocked off my game, and then I just lay there and reached for cookie dough and rolled over and grabbed some wine, and hoped to hell that when sanity returned (will it?) that I can still get my crazy-expensive 3nell sports bra on.

Since getting knocked off my game, I've just been lazy about the whole thing, I've had a lazy attitude about the whole thing, which is kind of reflective of the lazy attitude I seem to have generally these days. I blame the excruciatingly short days, in part (it starts getting dark here at 4, and it's pitch black by 5:15), but you know, other people cope with this and somehow remain dedicated little powerhouses that go, go, go and do, do, do.

But I feel like I myself am not all that much of a goer or a doer, at least anymore. I was a few years ago, and all through school, a goer and doer but now, not so much. Especially with these tragically short days. I'm a victim, I tells ya.

Which is all to say I had a somewhat decadent lunch yesterday and wine last night and no real plans for improvement today, garnished with kind of a lazy attitude. And yet at the same time, I feel kind of sad, sad that I was just starting to get a figure back, a shapely figure instead of the blobby amorphous kind of shape that I had become - and, with practices like I have fallen back into, will be again. I'm not hiding out with cookie dough or anything like that. But I am also not on a Virtuous Path, or even too interested in looking for one at the moment. How was it I got so focused before?????? How can I get some of that back????

Who, ME?!?!?

2005-11-22T14:03:00.000-05:00

Yes, me. I confess. You got me. I have been GLIB. And it ain't the first time.

For some unknown reason, as thoughts tumbled around in my head as thoughts are wont to do when you are doing totally unrelated things, the last portion - the weight issue portion - of my last post popped back into me head, and I realized: it was glib. I was glib about eating my vacation food, and drinking my delicious English pints, and not gaining any weight.

I was so glib that I have continued to eat without really keeping track of what I'm eating or trying very hard to eat the right things and avoid the wrong things. In fact, I was able to accompany my husband on a business trip to Lexington, Mass. this weekend and lo and behold, they have maple donuts there! So of course I had to have those. And a big buttery steak. And multiple glasses of wine. And a martini. And share a dessert. And on and on and on.

It was when I returned home and tried to justify away the vague shame from eating total crap for days that I remembered back to my cocky little statement and walking off the pints.

And I realized also that this glibness is nothing new.

Haven't we all been there, though? I realized - after realizing my glibness - that this is kind of a pattern for me. All of my diets and weight loss attempts previous to the current one, have been followed by re-gain. And I realized that the re-gain is never immediate; there's usually a period where I'm weight-stable for a while. It's a little bitter to admit it, but looking back, I think I recall some glibness about that stability, some magical thinking, that due to my efforts (the short-term nature of which was delicately overlooked), My Body Had Changed. I could now Eat What I Want And Not Gain Weight.

Yes, the glibness over the post-vacation stable weight was, I think, the first sign of this magical thinking. That suddenly, after 35 years, my body was now a miraculous calorie-burning machine. The torment is over. All I have to do is wait, and I will be a normal size before too long. Just the one, final dieting effort was all that was needed to push me metabolically into The Zone.

So, I'm a bit sheepish about my glibness now. But, dumb as it may seem, this may be the first time I've connected the dots of the magical thinking (also referred to in technical terms as "denial", I believe) of prior weight re-gains. And I guess it's good to realize this as the holidays and mega-eating season approaches.

On the plus side of my trip to Lexington, can I just tell you how cool it was? I thought we would be heading into Boston for our fun and leisure, as Lexington is only around 10 miles away, but it turned out that even closer to Lexington is Concord (only 4 miles away). Literary buffs and hippies alike may know (I didn't) that Concord, Mass. is the home of Henry David Thoreau, and the Emersons, and the Alcotts. I cannot tell you how excited I was to learn our little country motel was a short drive from the one and only Walden Pond! Thanks to the generosity of the Emerson family, it is now a public park.

My hub did have to work while on the trip, but once he was done for the day, we took the short drive to Concord and went to Walden Pond Park. We entered the park, and were greeted by absolutely dazzling sunshine shimmering all the way from the far side of the lake to where we stood, and illumating the golden and red leaves still left of the trees. We hiked the short distance to the cove where Thoreau had lived, marveling at the various old stairs that had been made between the path and the pond - all of them were natural, made entirely of large pieces of stone stacked and staggered on top of one another. We passed a woman who had just finished swimming(!) in Walden Pond, just before finding a marsh off the other side of the path which was already partially frozen. We continued on around Thoreau's cove, and up to the site where his house had been. It's now demarcated by short granite pillars, connected by a chain, and the site of the woodpile behind is demarcated as well. A short distance away is a cairn, initially started (if memory serves) by Emerson's sister, who returned to the site some years after Thoreau had vacated and the house had been taken down, and was disappointed that there existed no marker of this small but important sojourn. It was truly a thrill to stand there and look at the pond, to imagine Thoreau in the very same spot, to feel the same winter chill he felt - and embraced.

Sorry to leave, we hiked back to the parking lot, where the park facility has erected a reproduction of Thoreau's little hut in the woods. Then we drove on to Concord proper, where we drove and then walked through Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, where Thoreau (and many of his family), the Emersons and the Alcotts are buried. Thoreau's tombstone is fantastically reminiscent of his approach to life: the plot inludes a large family marker, with the family name, and then each family member's tombstone is simply a small concrete (or limestone?) marker, bearing the deceased's first name only. Henry's gravestone says simply "Henry", and had been adorned with some wildflowers. Sadly, we did not have either of our cameras with us, but we did get a decent photo with the cameraphone of the headstone with the wildflowers.

We backtracked to Concord proper, where we unashamedly marvelled over some of the best Chai latte's we've ever had, at how lucky we were to have been deposited by a business trip, of all things, right next to Walden Pond. Like many towns, though, Concord suffers from that affliction which causes it to name everything after its connection to fame. To wit: later that evening, we ate at Walden Grille, on Walden Street. A little over the top, but only in the naming. The food was truly excellent, and the wine list had enough selections by the glass that we could try a couple different things, which I enjoy.

None of this is weight related, but I felt that just dumping the weight issues here without also paying respects to my wonderful weekend, would have been lopsided and, in a way, dishonest. Yes, my weight is obviously still an issue. But it's not like I holed up in a motel with maple donuts, or wanted to; we got out and truly, truly enjoyed the amenities our location afforded us. I felt just so lucky to have stumbled into something so enjoyable. But none of that blinded me to my missteps, or kept me from realizing, once I got back in the real world, that I was - am - taking the first steps down the path of "magical thinking" that inevitably leads to weight re-gain.

Back stateside.

2005-11-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the radio silence. My nice, leisurely pre-vacation mode was quite rudely interrupted by a work explosion on the Saturday - yes, you read that right - before I was leaving. I spent my whole weekend and the couple weekdays before I left running running running and doing doing doing, trying to deal with the very tight-timeline situation. Naturally, the stress kept me from sleeping, which was really not the way to prepare for an overnight flight to England. (AND, it prevented me having any involvement with Halloween, which really was a huge bummer. boo hoo!)

But alas, once I did all I could do, and placed the project in other hands for care in my absence, I was able pretty much to let it all go, and mentally break free for vacation. Had a really great time in London and Amsterdam. Walked like CRAZY, everywhere, you know how it is on city vacations, there's so much to see and do you just end up walking a tremendous amount. The day after we got back, I was shaving my legs and really thought my calf muscles seemed much bigger. Which leads me to my only regret: I forgot Pedro, my pedometer! I would love to know how much we actually walked. But Pedro, forgotten, stayed stateside.

I'll write more about my (great, wonderful, fabulous) trip later. Just wanted to check in here for now, and let you know I haven't fallen off the earth. Or defected to England or Amsterdam. For the time being, anyway...

Weight loss blog update: Scale seems to have stayed the same post-vacation. So apparently, having multiple delicious English pints every evening really can be balanced out by walking your fool head off.

To the not-so-extreme.

2005-10-27T10:51:00.000-04:00

I found the comments people made to my last post very interesting. Here was my frame of reference: some shame at not being able to commit to the 1700 (actually, net 1450) calories per day recommended by Calor1e K1ng. I was actually a little embarassed to put that out there, and I think you can see my defensiveness when reading my description of that number.

Yet, the people who commented generally seemed to be of the opinion of: don't go from one extreme to another. This was a relief. And yet it was also kind of puzzling, at least to my brain.

Why not go full on? Is it simply for feasibility reasons - that is, that if you mess up a little, you're likely to chuck the whole thing?

In any event, I've been doing alright on the temporary pre-vaca detox plan. My calories were under 2000 the first two days, and just over yesterday. The PMS makes me extra hungry, and unlike some of you of an apparently stiffer constitution, I'm just not down with genuine, prolonged hunger. I walked the first day, and sort-of walked by walking around a mall yesterday. Today, the weather's nice again so I'll get to walk. I haven't done so great on the fruit and veg: did great the first day, not as great the 2nd, and terrible yesterday. Trying again today. Same story with the water. I have, though, done great with alcohol.

But even though I haven't done all that well? The most important aspect, I think, is getting back into the habit of trying. Of putting to work the mental calculus needed to discern whether having that glass of port really is a good idea.

I can tell, too, from just 3 days of effort that the bloat I was suffering is largely alleviated. I wouldn't be surprised to be down a pound or two on the scale -though my weighing plans are up in the air. Right now, focusing on behaviors is really enough for me, I think.

I am getting so excited about my trip! This is probably my first vacation where I haven't been insane at work, trying to get everything ready for me to be gone, so I actually have time to plan, and prepare, and get together the things I need or that will make my trip more comfortable, to read the guidebooks, that sort of thing. So I'm fully in pre-vacation mode and loving it! And also in pre-Halloween mode, which is my and my husband's big holiday, so I'm excited about that, too! Here's some pics of our house at Halloween so you can see what we like to put together:

so, now I just need to keep staying out of the Halloween candy...

Pre-vaca detox.

2005-10-24T11:59:00.000-04:00

I had, again, a struggle getting out of bed today. I had had a rough night, like I often do when drinking late. Last night I got sucked into Sideways, which along with the cool weather inspired me to have some port, which in turn inspired me to have some smoked gouda and some nicoise olives. This was after my two "fun-size" Snickers and a bunch of other crap.

I spent another night tossing and turning, ever aware of my arm often coming to rest over my bloated stomach. Adding in my head, I had over 3,000 calories yesterday, only the barest trace of fruits or vegetables, virtually no water -- but plenty of junk. Crap that costs a tremendous amount of calories while not filling me or energizing me at all.

And today, today, I thought, enough.

I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I'm going on vacation in 9 days. We're heading to London for about a week, then Amsterdam for a couple days. Vacation eating is always crap, although honestly I probably couldn't get more crappy than where I've been lately. So, to give myself a breather for health, I'm doing a pre-vacation detox. 9 days is do-able.

For the next 9 days, I'm getting my water in. I'm eating my fruits and vegetables. I'm going for a walk at lunch. I'm going back to tracking my calories, and staying below 2,000 calories - this is over the 1,700 recommended by Calor1eK1ng, but this is my target because I found this so easy for a while. I want to get my groove back. Oh, and no more wine or booze. At least not on "school nights". I'm finding that it really disrupts my sleep - my precious, precious sleep.

So I'm back OP. For just a short period, for now, but it's a start.

Any takers?

2005-10-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

this is kind of cute:

My blog is worth $19,194.36.
How much is your blog worth?

gee, I'd just take a few more comments. ;) but no spammers, thanks.

weighed in again at 220 yesterday. so last week's 220 was not a deviation. this is not really a surprise. maybe my weight gain will decrease my 'blog value'?

Talking trash.

2005-10-17T22:12:00.000-04:00

Some of you may not have noticed how subtlely I slipped in an almost-confession about having some cookie-dough last time. It was sort of a sideways admission, that I was back on the 'dough. Yeah, that's right.

Not only that, but somehow I had managed to find the smackingest dough ever. Calorie-wise. Somehow, the selection I made came in these giganto portions (officially called "big"), clocking in at 180 calories per "cookie" (HA, as if dough ever makes it into the oven to become a real, live cookie in MY house!). I was looking at other cookie doughs tonight and NONE of them seemed to come anywhere close to this. Yay for me, for picking out the biggest, most high-calorie cookie dough they make. Truly? It's a gift, a natural talent, something I don't even have to try at.

So I bought the damn 'dough last Thursday. Had 3 "big" "cookies" worth that very night. Had some more over the weekend, Because It Was There. Bad food in my house? It calls to me. I swear. I can hear it through the walls. "Eat me!" it says. "I taste so gooooooood. You'll just loooooove my texture!"

So tonight, hub's out of town, so I had to fend for myself (usually he cooks). I got a quiche at Wh0le F00ds but something was seriously wrong with it. It tasted moldy. Bleh! Which pissed me off because I'd wasted $8 on an entire inedible quiche, not to mention another $3 on strawberries that were ALL moldy when I got home. (So now, as a result, Wh0le F00ds is on my shit list.)

So what'd I do? Well, I had to eat something right? So I had microwave popcorn, health nut that I am, with a couple carrots and olives thrown in for veg. Then, the cookie dough called to me. I had two "big" "cookies" worth, and then thought, what am I fucking around for? Why can't I just throw the damn stuff away? I decided I could, and I did. I mushed the remainder of the cookie dough into the moldy-tasting quiche, so I wouldn't be tempted to rescue it, and tossed it all. So yay, me!

And, as I went through this wholly irrational drama, I was thinking, I end up eating the crap, at NIGHT. I start my days so virtuous, with yogurt and fruit. I generally do OK to great at lunch and snacks during the day (at work, anyway). But at NIGHT all my old crummy habits come scurrying out like the little cockroaches that they are.

Tonight, though, I was able to smack one of them down (the 'dough). So there's that.

And, finally, just to tell all here: I started scale cheating after my reading of 220 last Friday. Sunday, I found myself near the scale, so I got the bright idea that I should weigh. 219.5. I thought, see, Friday's weight was a deviation. I'll be back at 218 tomorrow, I bet. The next day (today), I was not far from the scale again and thought, hmmmm, I'll weigh again, see how the shrinking is going. Short answer: it's not. Scale at 220.5 today.

It's amazing how quickly the old addictive habits are resuscitated. Give them just the tiniest bit of action and they're back, raring to go, rested and ready.

Tomorrow, though, I'm trying again. I will NOT be weighing. Nor will I be eating cookie dough. I will, as usual, start my day virtuously, and hopefully do a little better in the pm hours, with at least the 'dough in the trash, instead of the fridge.

Very rainy Friday.

2005-10-14T11:37:00.000-04:00

Maybe you live around here, but if you haven't, hopefully you've heard: it's raining freaking NON-STOP here in the Northeast. For like 8 days solid now. How long can this go on?!?!?

I've been so, so tired lately. My hub thought it might be the rain, because it's such an extreme change from the non-stop sun (and drought) we'd been having for the prior two months or so. Could be.

When I could barely pry myself out of bed yesterday, I remember something Oprah said once about drinking alcohol making you tired the next day. Physiologically, I don't know how this can be, since alcohol is digested by your body pretty quickly. But maybe there's something in it that sticks around? Anyway, I have been back to having a drink or two every day, and I wondered if that might be it. So, last night, no wine (or other alcohol). Today, still tired, but maybe not as much. Or maybe I'm just talking myself into this reaction, who knows.

The other thing is, instead of the wine, I had cookie dough. 3 cookies' worth. Truthfully, the wine is a LOT less calories. Like 300 less.

And today, the scale showed me a bad number: 220. This may be a normal fluctuation (like my 216.0 was a couple weeks ago), but maybe not. It kind of scared me, and will hopefully help me get my ass back in gear.

Which I've been feeling like I should anyway. Not like I want to, and note the difference. Why have I been shoulding on myself? Well, someone at work (M) finally noticed I'd lost some weight. She noticed it when I came back from my trial, saying something like, "Oh, trial has really made you lose weight!" Ha, I wish I reacted to stress that way. No, I didn't lose any weight during trial. But I suspect it was just being gone for a while that made M see me with "fresh eyes", and differently from seeing me every day, where little cumulative differences are much harder to detect.

Anyway, since M noticed this, now she's always telling me how great I look. Which makes me feel so GUILTY. Like, I haven't lost more weight so I don't deserve a compliment. Like, even if I had, I am still so far away from "normal" or even just "overweight" I don't deserve the compliment. I'm feeling guilted into losing more weight! By a freaking COMPLIMENT!!! What is wrong with me?!

Whatever it is, I suspect it's tied into a bigger issue - the feeling that I don't deserve the compliment may be a little conscious spill of an unconscious feeling that I just don't deserve to be thin, or at least thinner. Maybe that's what's impeding me right now? But maybe, too, that's part of this process. Dealing with that inner demon as best I can, which is gangbusters on some days, but hiding under the covers on others.

Right now, just journaling through the non-motivation is the best I can do. It does help me continue to feel connected to the effort. I guess "the effort" kind of has a life of its own, and goes through different incarnations.

OH, and I guess I should say about my trial: yes, I am done with that, and the outcome was favorable to my client. in case you were wondering...

Have a great weekend!

Updating the chart.

2005-10-12T12:55:00.000-04:00

I just realized I hadn't updated my chart for a while. And remembered how I dislike when weight loss bloggers neglect their charts. It says to me, they've stopped losing weight, and/or stopped trying to lose weight, without admitting it.

Of course, I have admitted it, here, that I am out of focus on the weight loss thing right now.

But I am trying, and would like, to re-focus. I would like to weigh 10 less pounds, when some really cute clothes I have would fit me. I would like to weigh 20 less pounds, and be under 200. I would like to weigh 30 less pounds, where I would be no longer "obese", according to the BMI charts, but simply - aaaaaah! - "overweight". I would like to weigh 40 less pounds, and be able to shop in the "normal" shops. I would like to weigh 50 less pounds, matching my all-time low weight as an adult. I would like to weigh 60 less pounds, and be (again according to the BMI charts) "normal". I've never been "normal" - I'd like to see what that's like. Zara's normal, and she looks GREAT.

So I want these things. But right now I am tired. I am resting. I am NOT going back to the old ways, but I have to admit I'm only flirting with the new, healthier ones.

Updating my chart was positive for me. It provided evidence that I have, at least, maintained during a rough patch. That, I kind of knew, but it's nice to see it in black and white. As a lawyer, I place a lot of value on evidence.

What I didn't know, and realized by updating, is that I have gone more than six months on my new lifestyle. I lost more than 20 pounds over four months or so, and maintained during the rough patch since then. That's pretty damn good, if I do say so.

And I am hopeful that my resting now will recharge the battery, so I can climb back on the horse, and gallop, or trot, or even tippy-toe, towards the remaining goals.

Cheers.

Arhythmia.

2005-10-10T10:41:00.000-04:00

That is, I'm out of the rhythm.

For the first week to ten days on my trial, I kept the eating pretty much in-line - with some deviations, to be sure, but generally doing OK at sticking to my template. At the mid-point, though, I just stopped worrying about it. I was wrapped up in my work, and trying very hard to get some much needed relaxation when not working. So eating habits - or rather, worrying about them, making a real effort - got totally bounced.

And now, I am finding it so, so, so difficult to get back into the good habits.

Last week, I had a day or two where I was counting what I ate, and I went for walks - three days in a row on that! But the pull of laziness in eating and exercise has become much, much stronger than the desire to slim.

I haven't fallen totally off the wagon; I'm not stuffing my face randomly, and not drinking near as much as I generally do when I'm letting it all hang out. But, I am just not finding the strength or conviction to worry much about what I'm consuming.

I don't feel motivated. And I don't feel any motivation to get motivated. Bleh.

Scale at 218.0 this past Friday.

Back home, briefly.

2005-09-24T11:49:00.000-04:00

So I'm home for the weekend, but still have to basically work while I'm here. Just time for a very brief update. Which is:

I have not been able to exercise. I have been eating crap. And I have been drinking - not crazy, but one (sometimes two) a day, and sometimes martinis, which are VERY high calorie.

What crap have I been eating you ask? Get ready to hear some whining. There's no decent food around me, room service is terrible, there's no restaurants close by, all's I have is the lonely depressing food court (where I'm already eating lunch), whine, piss, moan.

My hotel room this week came with some sort of "club pass" where I get to go eat breakfast and have happy hour in this special little club. Everything's free there. I ate my dinner off those hors d'ouvres (sp) TWO nights. Though one night my dinner of buffalo wings and tortilla chips, was supplemented by most of a pack of Red V1nes. MMMMMM, Red V1nes. Yes, I'm quite the health nut under stress, you can see.

Also, one day at lunch I ate something called bacon cheese fries.

I do make some attempts here and there, but truly, the options available where I am are limited and that kind of irks me. I don't have time to find a grocery store, let alone shop in one. It's ridiculous to me that work travel sets up a situation where it seems nearly impossible to get decent (healthy, satisfying, and still tasty) food - at least in the city where I'm staying.

After all this crap eating, I really felt fatter. My tummy feels much puffier, I think due to not walking, and losing some tone in the obliques, which, if I recall, do get some strengthening from walking, running, stair climbing - that sort of thing. So I'm feeling all puffy and Red-V1ne-y, and not really in a good way, and I prepare for my weekly date with the scale, fearing that after months in the 217 (+/- 1.5) range, I'd be back in the 220's. Well, the scale may be in collusion with the Red V1nes, because it read 216.0. Just another reason I hate the scale.

My takeaway from this is I still do feel fatter - I know I am. Today's reading was probably just one of those normal fluctuations. I can't wait to be able to exercise again. Would you believe my ankle is STILL bothering me? I injured it back in JUNE! I think it might be time to mention it to my chiropractor, and possibly see someone in sports medicine. This just needs to stop, it's ridiculous. It may just need a minor adjustment. Hopefully.

And it will be so nice to get back home, back to a normal schedule, back to normal eating - which somehow includes delicious yet healthy foods, what a concept. Maybe by next weekend, but if not then probably by the following weekend. I can make it.

Only a quickie.

2005-09-16T19:58:00.000-04:00

Hi, folks. I'm generally out of pocket for work, involved in an ongoing trial. Thus, I can't spend my days glued to the internets like I usually do. Boy, actually having to work can be a real drag. Pays better then the internets, though. Back for updates when I get a decent break or when things return to normal.

Eating while on trial... a bit rough. Sometimes hard to find food. Even when it is not, though, like when I had a breakfast buffet this morning, I wanted the fruit, I even got the fruit - but only after I went for the bacon and eggs. It's a battle between mind and mouth; my mind really does want the good stuff - yogurt, fruit, what I usually have for breakfast. But the whiney part of me that feels sorry for myself wants the damn bacon and eggs. All in all, though, I think my calories are pretty alright. No exercise, though. I will be returning to that as soon as I'm able - may be next week, if time permits - my hotel (I think) has a gym.

So that's the quick and dirty. Catch you again soon when I have time to update... and catch up on all YOUR blogs! I miss 'em! (They are SOOOO much better than a trial!)

Briefly.

2005-09-10T12:11:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the radio silence, folks. Watching the Katrina aftermath debacle unfold in slow motion horror was quite rough for me. I hovered back and forth between the depression and anger stages of grief, for several days. I felt the strong urge to comfort eat. I felt absolutely no urge to combat that. I comfort ate. And drank. For a few days.

Then, work started kicking my ass. Regular readers know I have prepped for a trial a couple times recently, only to show up in court and have it get put off. This past week has involved showing up at court for 3 out of 4 business days. And prepping on those days, and others. Lots of work, lots of stress. Which in turn makes it hard for me to sleep. So I'm pretty tired to boot.

And, finally, two weeks ago, I managed to re-aggravate my ankle injury from, like, June. This was doing Week 2, Day 1 of C25K. I decided I just have to stay off the damn thing till it heals, PERIOD. So I haven't been able to exercise for the past 2 weeks. Exercise would have been a good release. I will resume soon, though - no more pain in my ankle except in weird poses, and almost no swelling.

So all has been bleh on the food and exercise front.

But there has been this: new habits have shaped the re-emergence of old habits. That is, even when comfort eating and drinking, or eating and drinking what I can during times of stress, I quite naturally seem to end up at or under 2,000 calories a day.

Except when martinis are involved.

After the flood.

2005-09-04T00:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't said much here, but have made some comments over at Meg's blog. And I'll just re-print the important ones here. I need to say this, here.

To me, the word that really sums up the week is demoralizing.

It has been awful to see, and have it slowly sink in, that absolutely nothing was done to provide help to those who needed it, to evacuate. They were simply abandoned.

As if this weren't bad enough, it became infinitely more awful to see that no help came to those who needed it, who were stranded in a drowning city, day after day after day.

No food. No water. (No water!!! this is so fucking BASIC!) No toilets. (!!!!!!) No one coming to tell them anything was being done to help.

Bush golfed. Condi shopped. Who the hell knows where Cheney even is. While people suffered for DAYS ON END, with no help coming or even on the way, our leadership played.

This, to me, is a very harsh lesson in what the Ownership Society really ends up looking like. I always thought the so-called Ownership Society was a truly shitty idea, a tarted-up incarnation of every person for themselves. And the reality has borne this out, in a truly horrifying way to watch.

And on the fact that nearly everyone stranded ini New Orleans was black:

It would be grotesquely wrong NOT to point out that the obvious - that the people who were abandoned, and left to die like ANIMALS, who followed instructions and went to designated areas only to be ignored and left without even fucking WATER, for DAYS, to shit in public and then live alongside that shit, and CORPSES - are 99% BLACK.

Even conservatives get this:
"There are corpses floating down the streets of New Orleans, and warnings of cholera, typhoid fever and other diseases. One doctor told a reporter: "In a lot of ways, we're functioning as if we were in a developing country."

Five years after discovering they had suicide terrorism within their borders, Americans are now being introduced to the notion of having their own "refugees", too. Tens of thousands of them are being bussed to neighbouring states from the city's convention and sports centres, where they have been sleeping for days. The state of Texas has announced that it will accept 23,000 refugees in Houston's Astrodome. An unsettling - and internationally embarrassing - aspect of this mass movement is the discovery that almost all the unfortunates stranded in New Orleans are black."
From http://news.ft.com/cms/s/1ff4ced6-1be0-11da-9342-00000e2511c8.html

OH, and guess what? NOLA refugees can't get quarter in their own state - mostly white Jefferson parish, for example, is too terrified to take them, having seen story after story after story that presented a crazily lopsided perspective of "looting" and lawlessness.

The horror continues to grow.

NOLA

2005-09-02T09:54:00.000-04:00

Who can blog about - even worry about - diet, when abandoned people in New Orleans are dehydrating and dying after days in the oppressive Louisiana heat and humidity?

Where the hell is the cavalry?

Still feel like defending the good doctor?

2005-08-31T11:26:00.000-04:00

Turns out, the complaint I referred to last time was actually based on a "racial remark, not about being lectured" [for being fat].

Are you ready for this? Here's what the doctor told his patient:

"Let's face it, if your husband were to die tomorrow, who would want you?" the state Board of Medicine says Dr. Terry Bennett told the overweight patient in June 2004.

"Well, men might want you, but not the types you want to want you. Might even be a black guy," it quoted him as saying, based on the woman's complaint.

This is medical advice?

Guess what other great "medical advice" Dr. Bennett has given (in another case)?

The board said it also is taking a second look at a 2001 allegation — deemed unfounded at the time — that Bennett told a woman recovering from brain surgery to buy a pistol and shoot herself to end her suffering.

Dr. Bennett's answer, through his attorney? "If a patient does not like the message, go to another doctor."

Um, I'll be having my co-pay back, then.

The science (and lack of science) of nutrition and health.

2005-08-25T13:51:00.000-04:00

One reality that has bothered me for a long time is that, at least in the US, there is so little "hard" evidence about nutrition and health - that is, science behind the theories. The nutritional recommendations keep changing and, unfortunately, they haven't historically been composed by nutritionists, or even doctors. (Here's a footnote to those who automatically think "doctor" when they think "nutrition advice": doctors don't know nutrition. Period. Only 25% of medical schools even teach nutrition; none require it.) The US' nutritional recommendations have, in fact, historically been drawn up by lobbyists and lawyers, many of whom are industry-friendly.

The new guidelines do appear to be the best so far. But our nutrition guidelines generally are not yet supported by science, and there's not yet a ton of science in this area. This bothers me, has for a while. And, unfortunately, we are living in an increasingly anti-science era, at least in the US, so I'm not hopeful for the short-term.

The other problem with the lack of science in this area - and what shows the need for more scientific work - is that the information we do have is often contradictory. Recommended body weight has not only gone up, it's gone from a hard and fast number to a range. The BMI has been introduced as a supposedly superior indicator of health, but many criticize that and rightly so (because it fails to account at all for muscle). We're told to diet, yet we're told that diets don't work, that in fact 95% of dieters fail. Real encouraging. To compound the frustration and sense of doom, we've all heard how yo-yo dieting is not only bad for the metabolism, but it's bad for health in general. Leaving a message of: unless you can do it and be perfect, you're better off not even trying.

We're told that being obese or even overweight is a grave health risk. But then, earlier this year, a new report by the CDC suggests this is NOT the case. It even suggests that overweight is a health benefit. We're frantically told how fat we're getting as a nation, and that this ever-increasing health risk is something to panic about - but if this were the case, why, as a nation, does our life expectancy keep going up, up, up, every year?

I am not really taking a side on these issues. To me, the abundant contradictory theories are enough to say, we obviously need more information to nail down who and what is right. We need to clarify what is good, scientifically-based advice for nutrition.

Instead, though, people continue to cling to outdated mantras. Not only do they cling to them, they continue to advise others to cling to those mantras! Case in point: I still keep hearing low-fat, low-fat. In fact, the average US diet went down in fat substantially in the last quarter-century (from around 40% of diet to around 32%!); yet, the incidence of overweight and obesity increased over this period. Doesn't this alone disprove the "low-fat" theory? This theory has, to some extent, been retracted, but not that publically, so we still keep hearing "low-fat".

And every fatty knows that being fat is one of the last havens for prejudice. It is still very much socially acceptable to castigate fatties, first to characterize their condition as a "problem", and then to blame them for it. (Does anyone blame lung cancer or emphysema patients and deny them medical treatment because their smoking caused their illness?) The fatties always get the blame. And fatties have often had their fat blamed for all their problems, and to a large extent, many of us have internalized this, telling ourselves, "well if only I wasn't so fat, I'd be less _____ and more _____. Got to lose this fat!"

This is truer in the medical field than anywhere. How many fat people have gone to a doctor and been blamed for their fat? Been told that their fat is the cause of all their problems? Gee, you think this might be partly why overweight/obesity "causes" other health problems - because people who are overweight/obese avoid going to doctors because of precisely this treatment?

You probably know by now that this entry is prompted by the complaint filed by a patient with the New Hampshire Attorney General. The patient went to see her doctor, who in turn told her to lose weight. I don't necessarily take a side in this fight either, at least yet, but I am very bothered by a couple things:

* why the fuck does this doctor think it's HIS place to give HER advice about her love life? I emphasize the pronouns to tease out the genders, because I smell a LOT of patriarchal bullshit here. Unless HIS name is Dr. Drew, relationship advice is not what SHE is there for.

* why the fuck is this doctor advising her to go to Jenny Craig, or Weight Watchers? These are for-profit enterprises, remember, so their loyalties are to their SHAREHOLDERS, to keep making more and more money. Their loyalties are NOT to their patrons - in fact, it would be a breach of their duty to their shareholders if WW patrons' interests were put first. Dislike this all you want, go ahead and think I'm a kooky conspiracy theorist but ignore at your own peril that, as corporations, these entities have the same motivator as all corporations: continually increasing profit, period. If they really worked at getting people to lose weight and keep it off, their profits would at best level off, and at worst greatly decrease. And even if you don't believe this, you can't ignore the reality that WW and Jenny Craig have the same 95% failure rate as everyone else. Why do you think all their ads say "results not typical"? Put another way, his "medical advice" is to go do a program with a 95% failure rate. Great advice, Doc. Thanks but no thanks. What about referring her to a nutritionist, dumbass?

As Meg has very eloquently spoken of many times, losing weight is some hard-ass shit. And I mean hard-ass shit. It is a very significant factor that doing what it takes to lose weight means going against the grain, in just about every aspect of our lives. It means declining the donuts and goodies everyone else is having at work. It means making time for exercise in your schedule, because you sure ain't getting it (most of the time) unintentionally, such as by walking or biking to work. It means making a special effort that feels, and often is, very isolated from what those around you are doing. Which I say only to point out that our environments are NOT conducive to health and weight loss; we have to force them to be, and it's a constant, never-won battle. (Gee, ya think this might have something to do with the increasing incidence of overweight/obesity?)

Furthermore, the body is not a machine: you can do everything right, and your body may not cooperate. This is what my body is doing right now. Now, good on me because I'm not throwing in the towel. I figure good habits have to lead to results sometime. And if not? What else can I do? I eat right, I exercise, if my body reacts to that by being this weight, what can I do? More than that, am I to be blamed for being fat? The answer is: of course not. And of course, simply because losing weight is hard (REALLY hard) doesn't mean you don't do it. But it does mean we need to recognize, culturally, that aggressive strategies are needed to deal with overweight; that overweight/obesity is a condition that is very resistant to treatment, which I think anyone who has struggled with weight knows first-hand (and hold the judgment, please); and that perhaps more aggressive and/or global strategies for treatment need to be developed.

We need some real science to confirm or deny what, in fact, the health risks (and benefits*) of excess weight are. If there are health risks, they should be categorized as such, and weight should be treated as a bona fide health issue. And, as a nation, we should all try to avoid or minimize those risks, and follow the advice for reaching that goal - not just pin it onto fatties that only they have to follow that advice. We need to continue our scientific research on nutrition, and give advice based on SCIENCE, not industry interests.

I think all my fellow weight loss bloggers know there is a LOT more to this than "well, just eat less and exercise more." So to some extent I'm preaching to the choir. And, essentially, I'm asking for more science here, more treatment of overweight/obesity without judgment, and an approach that recognizes the need for its own evolution when the failure rate is 95%. Instead of what this doctor did which is essentially just more of the same. Because that same ain't working.

(*I say this because there may well be benefits, as the CDC report of earlier this year suggests. By way of comparison, in the US, there is a lot of talk about the health risks of consuming alcohol. There is precious little, though, of the health benefits that consuming alcohol tangibly does provide - and even then, it's always seen through the lens of the "risks", and whether the benefits are real or worth the risks. If you start from the frame of "well, how bad is it" - whether it's overweight or alcohol - you've already to some extent dictated your results.)

In scala absentia*.

2005-08-23T15:24:00.000-04:00

(*Ed. note: not actual Latin.)

With the scale gone, banished to the basement, I'm without the barometer I've relied upon most heavily to tell me how I'm doing.

At first, when I evicted the scale, I felt excited, victorious, smug, and relieved, that I no longer had that foul object, delivering bad news to me, daily, right in what should be a safe, comfortable place: my very own bedroom.

And, since then, I'm still glad and relieved the scale is gone. But, I've also discovered that I miss it. Not emotionally, but physically: I had developed a real habit of getting on the scale, a lot. I've realized it's a habit, because since removing it, I still feel that pull, and actually physically turn towards where the scale was, only to remember, it's not there. Whew.

Without that feedback, I'm kind of vacant, kind of lost. As I have mentioned here, the scale had become the all-important feedback, to the extent that other feedback barely registered. I had to really choose to focus on the other feedback, and was able to at times - but even when I did, the scale always took primacy.

So, with this in mind, I think you can understand why I feel a little lost without it.

A lot of weight-loss bloggers talk about the pants-o-meter, which is a good feedback tool, as well. And of course, having lost 25 pounds, I've had some of my old clothes get noticeably larger, and I've been able to fit back into clothes I'd outgrown. But I hadn't relied a lot on the pants-o-meter. In fact, I even used the scale to tell me whether I should even consult the pants-o-meter.

That is, I'd get on my scale every day (of course). If the number were lower, I might go ahead and try on an article of clothing, to see if it fit right yet. Or, feeling like I wanted to try on a particular article of clothing, I'd wait to see what the scale said - to see if the numbers would suggest that I should, or shouldn't. So the reading on the scale controlled whether I even tried to access my other forms of feedback.

Gee, ya think I might have given a little too much importance to the scale?!

So, I recognize the unhealthy obsession with the scale and that I needed, and need, to get some space from it. But it's still a habit. And removing it is still pretty fresh, pretty new. Right now, I really feel the missing element of the scale reading. Physically, I keep trying to turn to the scale! But, since I've decided to live with a lot less of it, that decision is final. The scale just isn't there, so I can't give in to temptation.

So what do I do, without that particular form of feedback?

Well, here's the first thing: I consulted the pants-o-meter. There's an old-new top I had outgrown about 3 years ago, and put up with other clothes that don't fit. I re-discovered it recently in storage, and have been waiting to wear it for the past month or two. It's been in my closet and I tried it on periodically, if my scale reading suggested it might fit. Today, I have no scale reading, of course, but I went ahead and tried the top on anyway this morning. It seemed to me that it looked better than it has so far this year. So guess what? I'm wearing it. It's very flattering, so I think I look pretty damn good today, thankyouverymuch.

Now: if I were to get on the scale, it might well give me the same reading it's been giving me for weeks now. Hell, it might even give me a higher one, because the scale is just a fucker like that. But I won't know that today. I know the top fits, though it feels a bit tight when I'm sittting. I know I look pretty good today. I'm still getting my bearings, getting back in touch with how to gauge my body, and my success with my healthy efforts, without knowing today's weight.

I'm realizing, and trying to accept, that none of the feedbacks are, at the moment, huge thunderbolts. The top fits, but as noted above, it's on the tight side while sitting. I've taken my measurements but, disappointingly, they haven't changed much since May (and my waist hasn't changed at all). My clothes fit a bit looser, but honestly, some of them were stretched out by me wearing them when I was too fat for them. And I can't buy a new size yet.

But this lack of changes is waking me up. By turning to the pants-o-meter for feedback, am I not really just substituting one feedback obsession for another? Though I've realized my focus on the scale has become excessive and unhealthy, by turning to other forms of feedback - the pants-o-meter, the tape measure, clothing size - I'm still indulging (and thus perpetuating) an unhealthy hunger for external feedback on how I'm doing!

That is, my ingrained habit is to look outside myself for progress markers. But this is contrary to what I started out doing here. My primary goal, in the beginning, was not just weight loss, but time. Time spent doing the right thing by my body. Or, put another way, time spent actually sustaining a healthy lifestyle. I've lost weight before, I know how to do that, but I've never sustained the lifestyle that led to weight loss. And when I started here, that's what it was really about for me, this time around.

But I let myself get too caught up in progress measurements. My obsessive tendencies towards these measuring instruments ending up taking my eyes off my own personal prize - of finding a sustainable plan, the proof of which would be actually sustaining it, over time.

And this kind of success can really only be measured with time.

It is hard to be without the proof of more readily-available litmus tests to "prove" my success, like whatever measurement I can take with a scale, a blouse or a tape measure.

There is, in fact, no litmus test or way to measure (that I'm aware of) what I think may be my greatest success so far, much greater than the 25 pounds I've lost. And here's that success: after just over four months, it is now very easy, and even standard, for me to eat between 1500-2000 calories each day. It is also automatic, though admittedly less so, for me to exercise most days. I only rarely feel my old pulls towards junk food and drink. And when I indulge those, it is with a sense of moderation and "fitting it in" that is automatic. Finally, I realized last week, with kind of a shock, that I couldn't remember the last time I'd had a drink. This is truly a paradigm shift!!! When I started this thing, I was in the habit of several drinks per day, and had a very hard time fighting the daily urges to continue doing this. Now, those urges aren't even there anymore.

I have changed my habits. I really have.

This is not to say they're entirely erased, or that I think they are. This would be very foolish (though of course I've been given to foolish thoughts once or twice). These old habits are still there, but they need a little encouragement to come out. This is a milestone. It's a simple thing, really, but an incredibly difficult change to make. And, really, isn't changing the habits really and truly the hardest part?

Drip. Drip. Drip.

2005-08-20T13:41:00.000-04:00

Don't want to gross you out, but that dripping? that groaning? that's my body after my wog* today (Week 1, Day 2 of C25k). Holy crap, people. Today, only Day 2!! It was really, really hard. It was about 10 degrees warmer today, and fairly humid, so that may have been it. I was feeling a bit stiff from Thursday, so that may have been it. I wasn't too excited about doing it, so that may have been it. Whatever it was, it was really, really, really hard today.

But I managed to push myself to do all 8 60-second intervals. And now, a half hour after I'm done, I'm still dripping like crazy, with a face as red as a tomato.

Whew.

The good news today: I don't have a scale number to report. This morning, I moved the scale to the basement. Though I was tempted, I didn't have a last fling with it in my bedroom. I purposefully had a high-calorie day yesterday, to shock my metabolism, and I know that it is very unlikely I'd be getting any good scale news today. So? Goodbye, scale. See you soon... but not too soon.

*Terminology borrowed from the loverly Renee.

I did it!

2005-08-19T10:14:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it, I really did it, it blew me away that I even could.

Yes, I'm talking about wogging (terminology courtesy of/borrowed from Renee, because I love this word too much not to use it). To be more specific, Week 1, Day 1 of the couch-to-5k program. It's really not very much jogging at all, but even so, just to be able to do it was a WOW. I have been to many, many exercise classes where I couldn't do everything, so I was fully prepared to not be able to.

But I could. And I did. Yay!

Good things about it: it really broke up the monotony of my walk. (I hadn't realized I was getting a bit bored with it lately. The intervals are nice to give your brain something to do and to mix it up continually.) Also, it got my heart rate up. Frankly, I really like the intervals. Weird, huh?

Bad things about it: none, really. I do need a better sports bra, and dammittohell the 3nell is now apparently famous (thanks a LOT, 0prah, you bra whore!) and you can't get it anywhere. It's back-ordered until March, 2006. You read that right.

There are a couple on E-bay in my size. I'm wondering how high I should go. But then, I'm wondering why not suck it up, pay an extra $10 or $20 so I can get the thing now instead of seven months from now. Hmmmm.

Last thing: I am evicting my scale this weekend, to the basement. I am going to weigh on Wednesdays and Fridays from now on, and average that. Liberation from scale tyranny starts tomorrow!

update: I found the ene11. e-mail me if you're interested in where they're still in stock. be warned, though, they are 70 chips (US).

Shaking things up.

2005-08-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

Though I have read how soooooooo many of my weight loss blogger buddies have gotten into running, I have managed to resist the peer pressure. I have just said no. Besides my penchant for going against the grain, I had good reasons to do so. One, I tried jogging before - on my own, haphazardly, with no guidance - and just frigging hated it. Two, because I have ginormous boobs and they became way too mobile during (attempts at) running. Three, because I got very painful, long-lasting shin splints trying it.

But, as you know, my body is not cooperating with diet and exercise these days (UP a pound today!). I think the thing to do is mix things up.

My hub's a runner and all of you chicks manage to jog (or wog, as in the case of the adorable Renee), so after rebelling against this trend, I am finally caving. I think, now, maybe, the Couch-to-5K is the thing to do. Or at least try.

The great outdoor weather is starting to slip away: it's getting darker much earlier where I am, and, being of an employed-in-an-office persuasion, I can't plan on exercising outdoors in the evenings for too much longer. I'm gonna have to join a gym, and Couch to 5K seems like maybe a good program/goal, to approach that transition in a structured way.

Now, I guess all's I need to start is one of those 3nell sports bras I hear you ladies rave about. That, or learn how to do binding (a la Laura Inga11s Wi1der).

The other thing is I know, I know! I really need to break the scale habit. This is a tough subject, because I used scale-avoidance and denial to gain weight. So to avoid the scale resembles denial too much, instinctively, to sit right with me. But, really, what I need to do is just define what a happy scale medium is, like weighing once a week or once a month or whatever, and then REMOVE the scale to a remote location, and force myself to comply with the defined happy scale medium. So I need to decide what that happy medium is. And I will.

And, finally: I appreciate so much the encouraging comments you wonderful people have left.

Stalled.

2005-08-17T12:19:00.000-04:00

Yup, that's me. Stalled.

The scale feels really, really stuck right now. I've gone from bouncing down to new lows (and way way back up) to just sticking around 216-217. Just holding there. Holding.

This is despite my calories being right. This is despite drinking my water. Despite exercising regularly.

What the fuck is wrong with my body????? Why won't it respond?????

Trying to look on the plus side, I can tell a difference in my body between now and two months ago. I feel more airspace at my waist when I'm walking; there's less waist there. I can tell that in some of my clothes, too. But there are no major leaps in this department - I'm not wearing a new size or anything. And so it makes me jealous to read about you other bloggers whose bodies are cooperating with your efforts! You guys look great, you seem happy, I know you've earned these results - don't get me wrong, I'm so happy for you! I just want some of that for myself. Exclamation point.

But I still just don't get why my weight is just staying, staying where it is. Leetle changes are nice, but big changes are even nicer! And I'm doing all the right things! Argh!

This is the kind of situation where you start feeling hopeless. Where you start feeling like, why the hell should I struggle to stay *just* this fat? I think hopelessness can be related to weight gain - I'm working on a longer post about this - probably because I am starting to feel a bit hopeless myself. I'm not quite ready to give up yet... but I'm starting to see the appeal.

Argh!

2005-08-15T12:04:00.000-04:00

Serenity gone. Frustration back. I'll give you one guess as to the source. One.

I think I'm going to have to take drastic measures, like relocate the little fucker to the basement, a la Zara. Maybe that will help Stop the Insan1ty!!! Or will I start sneaking down there, undeterred by silverfish, just having to know my digits for the day?!?! Stripping down my clothes, trying to be quick so neighbors don't see, but just gotta get that number down?!?!

I'm feeling all dejected and failing-like, now, see? Had to go back and look at Zara's stats page, to see if she lost that pound a week, every week. Zara, I hope you don't mind me talking about this here; if you do, just say the word, I'll revise accordingly. But it helped me some to see you stay in the same weight zone I'm currently in for a while. Looking back, can you say why you held there? How did you get things moving again? What was your original/revised plan?

So. Frustrated. So. Annoyed. Ready to start blogging here about bodily functions. But barely. Restraining. Self. Lucky you.

Quadmonversary.

2005-08-12T14:41:00.000-04:00

(OK, I made that word up. Quad for four, mon for months, since “anniversary” by definition refers to annum, or year. Word nerd here, yo. I loves me some language.)

So, yesterday was my quadmonversary on this journey. Yup, four months. Four big ones.

So far, I’ve peeled off 25 pounds of FAT. YAY!!!! That's the great news. The slightly-less-great news is that only 3 of those pounds came off over the last month. The past month had some curveballs for me, as you know if you read my blog with any regularity. But I took them, I stayed as attached as I could, and despite the storms, baby, I LOST 3 pounds during that time!

While losing, we tend to agonize over the slow pace. This past month would be a perfect example of this... if I were agonizing, that is. When I look back over my gains, last year’s for example, I’m always kind of stunned at how quickly the gains came on – such as my last gain, 16 pounds over one year. Looking at it as a gain, damn, it's quick! It’s only when the number has a minus sign in front of it - that is, it's a loss - that we moan, egads, that’s so sloooooow!

It’s bullshit we’re telling ourselves. B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T.

Even if I continued to lose at this "slow" pace, this time next year, I’d be 36 pounds down. A 36 pound loss KICKS ASS, my friends, we all know that! And even 36 pounds over a year is pretty great, too. By the same token, my 25 lost so far this year is awesome, thankyouverymuch.

What’s equally important, though, is that at this four-month mark, I am feeling re-energized, instead of burnt out. Contrast four months into WW: I was nearing the breaking point, and I could really feel it. My losses in WW were slightly more (33 pounds in the same time period), but my current losses are (see above) pretty damn good! Plus, honestly, I know they’re better because I haven’t suffered like I did in WW to get them, and I don’t feel encroaching on me that fear (and actually desire) to lose it any day now.

Struggling through this past month has actually turned out, I think, to be a really good thing for me. I admitted my weaknesses; this reminded me I am human. I stayed attached anyway; this showed me I am strong. I kept trying again; this reminded me how much I do care about this. I came back here; this community kept me buoyed. Truly.

Despite the struggles? A loss.

A loss.

And after it, I feel stronger. I feel much stronger than I felt at this point on WW. I feel stronger in part because of these struggles.

So, yeah. I’ve earned the right to make up some freaking words for this! Happy freaking quadmonversary to me.

Breaking the law of averages.

2005-08-10T15:40:00.000-04:00

For the first time, I think it’s failing me. The law of averages, that is.

The readings on my scale have bounced around quite a bit lately. They’ve been a bit like the print-out of a heart-rate monitor, with dramatic zigzags up and down. I keep bouncing down to a new low, only to have that followed by a bounce back up to 222 or so. Then a bounce back down again, again to new, lower low... and back up to 222! My body has some fascination with 222, apparently.

As a result, for the first time, really, using an averaging system is betraying me.
Namely, my average hasn’t really moved for the past several weeks. If I took an average for last week, it would be totally messed up – I only got readings for two days, and those were “outlier” days. So it would look like I had gained two pounds or so – but I didn’t.

Unofficially, I have kind of had in the back of my mind for the past few weeks that I should use Friday as a sort-of weigh-in day -- that I count my Friday weight as my current weight in the sidebar. Offline, I've used this as a personal reference point recently. This is both because the average is ever-moving and therefore non-final, and because the latter part of the week usually gives me my lower readings. By that point, any weekend bloat all cleared out, several days’ worth of eating great and drinking the water yields some results, and all that.

If I use my Friday weights, I’ve lost pretty steadily over the past month, a half-pound to a pound a week. But if I use the averages as my gauge, it looks a lot more like I’ve floundered.

And you know what? I’m choosing to see the glass half-full, as much as I can, wherever there’s an opportunity, from here on out. I’m not going to deny that there’s an urge, a strong one, to see the worst case here. To focus on the unmoving averages, to blame myself and my cookie dough and vacation eating and blah blah blah, to say to myself: you’re not succeeding – that is, you’re failing – and only you have done it to yourself.

But for me, this sort of attitude is fatal to continuing efforts. To tell myself I’ve failed, is to believe the battle is over, and to stop trying. In other words: a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My recent thoughts about exercising the positive self-image more (and the negative less) have really stayed with me. It must be what I really need to focus on next. And so I am.

At first, trying to implement this, I was at a bit of a loss. I felt like all I could do was just wait for the negative voices, and then spring into action, and karate chop them with positive ones. But then, duh! The light came on! I can start any old time I want to, telling myself positive things. I can do just like the negative voices, and chime in whenever I damn well feel like it! I can start congratulating myself, even as I sit here right now, for all my good attributes, and for the many positive things I have done for myself - on this journey, in my family, with my friends, in my life.

When I realized this, it was amazing. I was out walking, and started right then, whispering sweet nothings in my own ear. Unfortunately, I can’t remember now what those particular sweet nothings that day were. I wish I could, because honestly, it was a turning point, and I wish I could document what those first non-defensive, self-promotive messages were. Alas, I can’t, but I can tell you that little epiphany freed me some, and that it has stayed with me. It wants to grow.

This isn’t an overnight change, of course. I think but still don’t (yet) believe so many good things about myself. One example of this is not believing those Friday weights – but believing the higher bounces! I haven’t recorded these ever-lower Friday weights here, because I was just sure they would be taken from me. And they were – but then they were given back! Note to self: need to believe in own successes more. This example is just one symptom of how I have a habit of selling myself short.

Another one: not really believing my husband’s praises of me. I’ve read some other blogs, especially about the D0ve ads, and read some men’s comments about how these “normal” (actually smaller than the US average) women look better than what my husband calls “scarecrows” – the model-waifs. As much, and as long, as I’ve heard my hub decry these stick women and how they don’t appeal, but D0ve women, and me, DO... I’ve never quite believed it. I’ve always, on some level, believed he was trying to make me feel better about not being thin – but I’ve also believed that these words were in part an effort to talk himself into feeling this way. Despite years of his litany, and absolutely no evidence to the contrary, I haven’t really believed it. This is a bit messed up!

I’ve always kind of written off my hub’s praises of me, as being kind of like a parent’s: 'well, he has to feel that way about me'. But of course, duh, he doesn’t! And he never did. Have to, that is.

It’s very freeing, but actually kind of scary, too, to try on the thinking that, hey, maybe I’m as great as my hub thinks I am. Maybe the D0ve women really do look better than, say, the thinner L1ndsey L0han and women who look like her. Maybe it’s really true, these messages that I’m actually pretty good, that I stack up pretty well. It’s a strange way to look at the world, and myself in the world, to tell you the honest truth.

My 16yo stepdaughter has a very strong self-confidence. She is well aware of her abilities, to the point of (I think) overestimating herself a bit on some fronts (that could just be the teenagerism, though). She is also aware of her weaknesses – but she doesn’t seem to ascribe too much value to that. To her assessment of herself, these negatives just don’t carry that much weight. They're kind of a laugh to her. What a concept: to never question your own worth, and to think of your shortcomings as a laugh, as endearing little foibles!

To be around someone like this is a lot of things. It is awe-inspiring. It’s infuriating. It’s envy-inducing. It’s irritating. It makes me happy for her, but it also makes me angry for what I don’t have for myself. It makes me jealous. It looks like a much freer, lighter way to approach the world. A way I’d like to try for myself.

So this is what I’m doing now, people. And it translates a great deal to my weight loss efforts, and attitude about it. And hopefully you’ll see that unfold, as I evolve and grow this, right here.

First step: today’s post-TOM weight (new low) is going on the sidebar.

Serenity now.

2005-08-08T21:39:00.000-04:00

Had a great mini-vacation, and have come back relaxed and serene. Really enjoyed some downtime, and cleared my head. Had a great time unwinding with my family. Lake George was beautiful, we did a lot of fun things, and also got a lot of relaxing time, which, truly, I am all about. I am trying to release my money issues, and that really added to my good time, I think – because I didn’t stress or self-flagellate over, for example, the cost of renting a boat or a truly special meal we had. I just enjoyed them both! How nice to just enjoy the ride. The trip was very, very nice generally, all around.

And I came back with a lot of thoughts to unwind. I want to take my time with them, and structure getting them out in a new way, a more constructive way, a way that will be more productive for me than just getting the feelings out. So I am going to work on these thoughts offline in a word processing program, and post them here as I get each of them out and sculpted just so.

Eating? Some good, some bad. I had only one meal I regret. That in itself is quite something. Exercise? Not really, only as necessary, such as a bit of swimming, walking around an amusement park or village, that sort of thing. Weight? I'm having TOM right now so I'll post later in the week.

All in all, I have a great relaxed feeling and, for the moment, at least, a broader perspective on things, that I plan on trying to retain and incorporate into my thinking about my weight struggle and my life. Too bad vacations can't last longer... but at least I have the world's sweetest kitty to make coming home nice, too!

Aches and pains.

2005-08-02T10:47:00.000-04:00

My root canal - which may be infected - is giving me some seriously fucking excruciating pain. The Vicodin I was prescribed does not seem to do a goddam thing to alleviate it. All's it does is make me sleepy. Of course, sleepiness is totally killed and mutilated by the truly crazy-ass pain radiating out of my jaw. I am taking Advil instead, which actually does knock the pain out for 4-hour increments or so.

I am really, really mad at my dentist. Why did she do this root canal to me? I had a root canal once before, and it didn't hurt at all. I don't remember any pain during or after. That one was done by an endodontist. Why didn't my motherfucking dentist refer me to an endodontist, who SPECIALIZES in these goddam things? I am really annoyed and considering firing her. At the minimum, she is NOT NOT NOT doing another one of these things on me again. If/when I need another one, I'm going to an endodontist. Period. Damn dentist. I fucking hate her right now.

Don't know if it's the pain or the meds or PMS or what but my scale has jumped up, AGAIN, to 222.0. That wacky scale is just crazy all over the place. Getting on it for the past two weeks has been like throwing darts at a board - there's no telling what number you'll hit.

Yay for me, though, because I am totally not stressing about that. I'm figuring, my poor body has had things a bit rough for the past few weeks. If it needs to hold on to some fluids as part of the healing processes, how can I begrudge it that? I'm refocusing on getting plenty of water, now that I can swallow without pain, getting fruits, taking vitamins - things that will help the body heal. This too shall pass.

Tomorrow morning I leave for a mini-vacation to Lake Ge0rge, NY, so you won't be hearing from me for a few days. Just telling you this so's you know, and don't think that the pain + crazed scale readings have pushed me into crazed eating land, which inevitably breeds weight-loss-blog avoidance.

Everyone have a great weekend! And send some good vibes Trish's way.

Dental health.

2005-08-01T11:44:00.000-04:00

Saturday, I had a root canal. A ROOT CANAL. I’m still pissed that I agreed to do it on a weekend, because it pretty much ruined the whole damn thing. But then, if I did it on a weekday, I would have either suffered that much worse by being at work, or would have used up time off in order to suffer through the aftershocks at home.

Food is just soft since then. Literally, only soft foods. If I were a saint, that would of course include yogurt, and soft fruits like mango, peach, blueberries, etc. But I’m not. I didn’t have these things on hand and (should have but) didn’t ask my husband to go fetch them for me. I was not fetching much for myself while so miserable.

So instead, just soft foods, which largely meant processed foods. Not great choices, nutrition wise. But I ate around the amount of calories I set for myself. Nevertheless, with these foods, and little water (hurts to swallow), the scale jumped back up to 220.5, little bastard. Oh well, fuck the scale. I can’t get all worked up about that with fire drilling through my jaw.

Sometimes, taking care of yourself means just taking it easy. I think it’s pretty easy to justify taking the path of least resistance while recovering from a frigging ROOT CANAL.

And, there was a small NSV or two: leaving the dentists, I wanted a milkshake. As a kid, I was always rewarded with soothing junk food after the dentist. Painful experiences have been, in my life, excuses to eat with abandon. (So are pleasurable experiences, actually, come to think of it.) The itch of that old habit arose, and wanted scratching. But I grimaced both in pain and at the thought of the 700 or so calories that I remembered being in those damn things. And so I didn’t have one.

In my junk food heydays, I would have had a milkshake both Saturday AND Sunday, for sure. Along with other, more-processed junk than what I had (pure pleasure food, not meal food). This time around, having at least an improved (though not perfect) focus on taking care of myself, I didn’t go for Optimal Foods, it’s true, but I also didn’t use the pain as an excuse to eat with abandon, as I have previously, oh so many times. I ate simply due to hunger, not to soothe myself.

I need to write that again, for my own self: I ate due simply to hunger, not to soothe myself.

Damn, that feels good to read that, and know it’s true.

Maybe for the next root canal (GAWD I hope that’s a loooooooong way off) I’ll do even better. For now, though? I’m patting myself on the back a little. I ate simply to satisfy hunger, and not to soothe myself.

Dirty pretty thing.

2005-07-29T11:54:00.000-04:00

The Scale. Oh, the scale.

Once you say to yourself, like I did in the past day or two, "Scale, you don't matter, really. You really just have a bit part in this dramedy," well, then, the scale goes and sucks up to you to try to lobby for restoration to its previous starring role.

And it sucks up by slyly showing you a new number. Look how pretty! How you like me now, with my 216.5? I was just teasing you with that 222.0 the other day! Lighten up, it was just a joke!

Sayeth the scale.

Sayeth Wendy: scale, you are one messed-up motherfucker.

Take Care.

2005-07-28T10:27:00.000-04:00

If you haven’t already, go check out La’s entry on Guilt, Perfection and Perception. That’s some good, good stuff there, very rich and right-on. Go on, I’ll wait.

On to the focus of my own post: take care.

I was finally able to decipher Blogger yesterday (actually, it was more like I tripped over the solution) and was able to read some of my own archives. One of my earliest entries really rang a bell for me; it reminded me, fundamentally, of why I was doing this, why I was making this effort. I didn’t spend enough time exploring this concept then, and, since I’m regrouping, it seems like a good time to go ahead and do it now.

The concept that really rang a bell for me “this time” is taking care of myself. Sounds simple enough, right? Too simple, really. Because the malleability of this concept is what makes it tricky.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a Wendy divided. The dark, lazy part of me actually quite agrees with the hopeful, ambitious part of me: both parts want to treat me well. On that, I do not really lack any self-confidence, or fail to value this desire adequately. The problem is, the different parts define “treating me well” quite differently.

The Devil Wendy defines treating me well as getting me comfy on the couch, in big stretchy clothes, turning off my brain by turning on the TV and leaving it on, putting a nice glass of wine or three in my hand, and bringing Cheetos or Doritos or some other junk food for my other hand. This is “treating me well”, it’s “what I deserve”, etc etc.

But the self-parenting Wendy finally got it: that this really isn’t treating me well at all. That eating fruits and veggies, and drinking enough water, and exercising, and getting enough sleep, and taking vitamins, is what it really means to treat myself well. That lowering my blood pressure so I can prolong my time on this earth and hopefully even get a bit more out of it – that’s treating myself well. That loading my body down with crap, and sedating myself, are actually cheating me out of getting much of much out of this life, besides an unfulfilling job.

And, I’ve realized that finally, on some level, I really do want to take care of myself. That living like crap is part of what’s taking the toll on me. It’s depriving me of really figuring out what’s missing in my life, which in turn deprives me of the ability to go out and get it. To take care of myself means not just clearing the obstacles out of my path, but also recognizing and then breaking the habit of putting them there myself.

To be honest, the feeling of wanting to take care of myself comes and goes – it’s like a little boat on a sometimes stormy sea, that gets rocked about a lot, lots of waves crash over the sides and threaten to sink it, but it’s out there, sailing, trying, looking for a port. In fact, recently, I had totally lost touch with this feeling. Totally. Reading my own quickie reference to this extremely important underlying value, though, brought it back to me. That feeling of really wanting what was best for myself flowed back over me, and actually gave me a sense of calm, of peace.

Looking at my “diet” (for lack of a better word) efforts this way, as an ongoing effort to take care of myself, the scale actually starts to look somewhat insignificant. I did what is too easy to do, and what I've certainly done before: get wrapped up, tightly, in those numbers. Those numbers, though, are just one indicator that I’m succeeding in taking care of myself. The numbers have come down and they will continue to do so. I can’t predict the pace and of course, past performance is no guarantee of the future, as the brokerage houses like to remind us.

But I remember, now, that those numbers are just one part of the story. The story being, taking care of myself. Wanting to take care of myself. Knowing, and believing, that I deserve it. That what I am going to get out of life is only going to be what I allow myself to get out of it. And to quit cheating myself out of so much.

It's a squishy concept, and hard to measure. So the temptation offered by the scale is to measure, how am I doing? But truly, when I back up and see that this journey is not really about the scale, it's about taking care of myself, the scale becomes almost silly with its patent simplicity.

I’ll end here, and leave myself two notes, topics to further explore another time: “cheating”, and consistency.

Now if you haven’t read La’s entry, do yourself a favor and get over there!

Taking my own advice.

2005-07-27T14:38:00.000-04:00

I wanted to, anyway. I went to re-read through my own archives - I've never done that before - to kind of re-live my journey so far, to see what breakthroughs I had that might help me now. But blogger is bloggered, apparently. All's I can get is the past couple weeks' worth of archives.

BLEH.

In the meantime, I have lots of thoughts rolling around in my head, and will be sitting down and trying to write (OK, type) them out. Some of those thoughts are:

* how amazingly AWESOME my fellow weight loss bloggers are! seriously, you guys have become my friends. And I'm pretty picky, so that's a pretty high compliment. ;) I get so, so, so much out of reading your blogs, and having you read mine. The true sense of community here is what is keeping me coming back, it's what's keeping me attached to this journey. That in itself is indescribably cool.

* RECOGNIZING negative self-talk, so I'm aware of when I need to fight back with the Good Stuff

* becoming more aware of my Good Stuff

* but not all haughty aware, like "look at me how great I am", but a solid comfortable confidence that looks outward, not inward

* being able to appreciate good things for other people more

* junk food, and my lifelong habit of it

* re-discovering my personal narrative, and how and why I've re-written it

* figuring out what I want to do with my life

* then figuring out how to do it

all light topics, I should have this wrapped up in no time, no? I'm also evolving my blogging from what feel like quickie posts to me - they're not getting as deep as I need to go - to really taking the time to think it out, type it out, divine the shape, etc. It takes TIME to do this, I've come to realize. And I've realized it's best for me to take the time to do this - that that's what I keep gravitating towards. So there's that.

I'm taking a Day of Leisure today. Maybe I'll get an (substantive) entry mapped out, maybe I'll get a couple started. But I am ENJOYING my day off, I need it, I am so burned out and tired lately, so leisure and getting really into my own head is the order of the day. I hope all of you have leisure or something else you need or enjoy in your day, too, and that you pause to really and truly savor it, like I am doing with my leisure today. Off to smell the roses, now...

Spaghetti.

2005-07-26T10:26:00.000-04:00

My thoughts and feelings are like a bowl of spaghetti - unrelated cords intertwine, it's impossible to tell where one starts and another stops, or even which is which. So I'm going to spill here the cords that are reaching into my consciousness today. But this entry will likely end up being a rambling mess. It's more for me than anyone else, I guess. I've replaced therapy with blogging! ;)

This being a weight loss blog, I do feel some accountability to "announce" my weight. And, to announce my struggles at the scale. But this tends to lead to the scale being an almighty object, and to the scale taking on an (undeserved) status as being the true ultimate determinant of how I'm doing with my new healthier lifestyle. But not just that, it somehow infests the rest of my life - the scale is telling me how I'm doing in my life, period. To some extent, actually, now that I really ponder that, I think I've always regarded this as true - that I've used the scale is an important (if not the most important) determinant of how I'm doing on this earth.

When I realize it, that is say it out loud or type it, it's clear immediately how absurd this is. But that doesn't magically erase the reality, that this is how I've measured my life, at least on some level.

Here's where the spaghetti comes in. I have other feelings that conflict with this. I know and appreciate, on some level, at least some of my talents and gifts, the things that separate me and make me special. I am probably a bit too proud about some of those talents and gifts... and I probably give short shrift to others. Netting things out, I think ultimately I sell myself short, yet manage to do so while also selling myself too long at times.

Somehow, these paradoxical feelings co-exist.

I think all these feelings are relevant to how I am and have been perceiving the scale, but I'm still untangling why. And they're also relevant to what I feel compelled to share here about the scale - and what I feel the need to hide.

I feel compelled to report progress and setbacks, this being a weightloss blog and all. But that compulsion is also feeding an unhealthy habit of giving the scale too much power. That compulsion is reinforcing an old and very unhealthy habit of the scale telling me what I'm worth - a worth that is measured in inverse proportion to the number on the scale, but inevitably is never very much.

Mentally, I get that when I step on the scale I am looking for a lot more than a reading of what my body weighs. I am looking for feedback on my direction, my worth, my life. And when the number goes the wrong way, the too-fragile balance is too-easily knocked off. My day is ruined. Quickly I am enraged. Hopelessness descends too rapidly to have been very far off. I fear immediately, this is never going to work. I am never going to get where I want to go. So why keep trying?

And for me, these messages translate into much, much more than my efforts at eating and exercising to maximize and sustain my health and my body.

What's peculiar is that, when the scale shows a dip in the numbers, a new low, a "whoosh" loss, my reaction is not the converse of the reaction to a jump. If the reaction were parallel, I would be elated, empowered. And sometimes I am. But even when I am, the undercurrent is always there of, this number won't stay.

How is it that I approach losses with a certainty that they'll be temporary, but gains with a certainty that they're permanent? It is because of my self-talk. As Debra opined recently, her parent's criticism became her self-doubt. My parents were extremely critical of me - they were narcissists and installed my perfectionist tendencies, so that I would be a worthy (perfect) extension of themselves. (Which is not to beg for sympathy, but just to examine the source of my self-doubt and negative self-talk in the hopes of eliminating it or at least decreasing it.) Debra's sentiment rang so true for me - at some point, we all begin to self-parent, and start telling ourselves the messages our parents used to tell us. And, for those of us whose parents had destructive messages, our self-parenting naturally became destructive.

My parent's messages to me were always that I was never good enough. No matter what I achieved, it was always flawed. And the focus was always on the flaw! The flaw was given much more negative value than the positive value of what was being marred. And I learned this habit waaaaaay too well. I hang on to the criticisms, the negative feedback I get from the world. I keep memories of these moments like precious curios in a cabinet in my heart. I take them out probably far more often than I realize. I caress them, even though they hurt.

The memories of affirmation, of moments of positive feedback? They are mostly discarded, probably just because they are inconsistent with my self-perception. They don't fit my image so out they go. A few have managed to stick around, but their value is largely in their peculiarity. They pop up once in a while, and I am almost amused by their bizarreness. Somehow, I manage to never take those to heart, though part of me really, really wants to. That's probably the part that has succeeded in keeping these memories around.

I am, I guess, a Wendy divided. The positive part of myself is there, but it's much weaker (probably from being much less exercised) than the negative, nasty, "not good enough" part. I see this. I see it, when I hear the negative self-talk pop up, unbidden, after stepping off the scale. And I guess the only real remedy is just exercising the positive part more. Like Denise, just practicing the positive self-talk more, when I realize the old negative self-talk is piping up. With exercise, this positive part should get stronger, no? And exercising the negative part less, should lead to its atrophy, right? Typing the words, though, is much easier than I think not exercising the negative self-talk will be. Awareness is the first step, though, I guess.

Scale explosion.

2005-07-24T10:47:00.000-04:00

For some reason, my scale jumped up 2.5 lbs on Saturday, then ANOTHER 2 lbs today!!! This just CAN'T be right but it's so frustrating. Trish has been really open and honest about her scale pulling this kind of monkey business, so I know at least she knows what I'm talking about. But... argh!

For the first time on this journey, or I guess this particular segment on this journey (i.e., since April of this year), I am posting a gain in my weekly average weight. And I am really hating it, especially because it happens to coincide with me feeling like giving up.

I am somewhat ashamed to post this here. But I am having *those feelings* - the ones that make you quit. I am having serious fuck-its about continuing to try to lose weight. Why? I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of beng so conscious about everything. I'm sick of holding myself back all the time.

In general, I am feeling very restless in my life, as well. I have had this same restlessness for years, it just comes and goes. I don't live where I want to live. I have no friends geographically near me. This factor alone is incredibly depressing and when I think about it, overwhelming. I don't love my job, and often it really annoys me, and asks waaaaaaaay more of me than I want to give. But why don't I want to give it? It's not like I have this load of fun stuff to do at home, that I can't wait to get home and do.

Lately, I'm spending more and more time on this damn computer. Like that is going to change the things that are frustrating me and making me feel restless and bored and going nowhere and not knowing where it is I want to go.

This may or may not be related to a ~~fight~~ argument I had with my husband yesterday. If I'm honest with mself, I think I kind of picked it. Every single thing my hub was doing - and not doing - was annoying the shit out of me. The only reason I mention it here is because it affected how I ate. I tend to hang on to anger - can't let it go quickly. So when we grabbed some lunch, I still had singe marks, basically, on my vision. And I just wanted to eat! Diet? Fuck it! Sick of that! So yes, yesterday was not a great food day. (Think I had around 3,000 cals when all was said and done. This is part of the reason for the scale jump - the bloat and water retention that comes from overeating.)

The first two months or so of this was easy. My motivation was high, and I just sailed along. Had a few minor detours, but none of them ever seriously threatened my attitude the next day. The past few weeks, though, motivation is ebbing - someone flipped the damn switch off (was it me?) and now I can't figure out how to flip it ON again. And I'm feeling so restless and dissatisfied I am just annoyed that being fat is something I have to worry about.

No inspiration today, people. Just vomiting out my feelings, because they're the kinds of feelings I've had before and that just led me to QUIT. Part of me really doesn't want to do that. But today, and lately, that's a really quiet, doubtful part of my self. The bigger, louder part is a complaining brat who hates everything but can't figure out what it is she WANTS, what it is that will make her happy and not hate everything.

Let's get small.

2005-07-21T21:19:00.000-04:00

(with apologies and adoration to Steve Mart1n)

I think we all understand on some level that women are just supposed to be "smaller" than men... both literally and figuratively, actually. A woman is supposed to be able to just slip her SO's jeans on. Not only that, they're supposed to be baggy on her, in a sexy kind of, "oh look how baggy your jeans are on me and how cute I look in your baggy jeans" kind of way. You see this reflected in advertising where a woman is wearing a man's button down shirt. It's baggy, she wears nothing else, her hair is tousled. The woman-who-is-smaller-than-her-man is sexy.

I was reminded of this phenomenon twice recently. Once because I have a former colleage who went to work for a very fancy-schmancy car company. As a result, she now drives one of the very fancy-schmancy cars they make. Disliking her, and being the bitch that I am, I took solace in the fact that she got the entry-level model. The baby fancy-schmancy car. Hearing me say it was the baby car, my husband said, "no way would she settle for that, she got the big gun."

Which reminded me: when my hub got his fancy-schmancy car (different make), I naturally steered toward the baby model. He resisted, and we grappled a bit. He told me, ultimately, it was "important" to him to get the bigger one. I let go, thinking, "Fine, whatever. It's your car." And having let go, I didn't think too much more of it.

But now, my former colleague did not get the big gun car, she really did get the "baby". Like me, she has struggled with weight - we even did WW together, more than once. And she is single, and in the market for a man. So she needs even more femininity than a married woman - for marketing purposes, if nothing else. With this in mind, I suspect that she got the baby model car, in part because it's sexier for women to be smaller - and a natural extension of that is to have the smaller, sleeker car - the model that's even nicknamed the "baby".

For my husband, driving the smaller model is an unspoken affront, I think, to his masculinity. For my former colleague, the smaller model affirms her femininity by its very smallness. He will avoid the smaller model, while she will crave it.

This observation alone gave me pause on yet another of the differences between women and men. And also the double standard of both size and weight for women and men. Men are supposed to be big (duh!). Women are supposed to be small. Consequently, men's accessories should be big - bigger cars. Women's are supposed to be small - they get the baby car. If a woman gets the big car (because that's the only one with the big engine, say), she's butch, emascalating. That makes absolutely no logical sense, but I think culturally, it's true.

But I digress. I was reminded of this observation again tonight, when I was measuring myself for - of all things - a fitted hat. In taking the measurement, I noticed that I was pulling the tape measure tight, tight! And in noticing this, I realized that this too-natural effort was motivated by a subconcious - but very real - hope to get the smallest measurement possible. And that this in turn was motivated by a general desire for small measurements of my body in general. Because women are supposed to be Small.

Once you realize just what it is you're doing, it becomes clear all too quickly just how dumb and nonsensical it is. Why on earth would I actually want to get a hat that fits snugly? Because there's some sort of coup involved in going from a 7 1/8 to a 7? (Yay, look at me, I'm a 7, woot! Oh, that's hat sizing.) Logically? This attempt makes absolutely no sense. But I think it was driven by that part of me that knows, I am supposed to be Small. My clothes - even my hat - is supposed to be smaller than my husband's. God forbid, I should have a bigger cranium (no doubt due to housing a bigger brain, ahem!) - A BODY PART I CAN'T EVEN CONTROL WITH DIET OR EXERCISE.

It's moments like these when you realize that the attempts to change your thinking about diet, and fat, and body image, and self-esteem, are something like trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube. It can probably be done... but it's gonna be messy.

Bits and pieces.

2005-07-20T21:23:00.000-04:00

Just a little of this and that to update. First - work. My trial got rescheduled, again. So my schedule is back to normal for the time being. That's a good thing in some ways, but in others, I just want to get the damn thing over with, already.

After seeing a new low of 218.5 on the scale for several days running last week, and AFTER the continuing cookie dough situation, the scale jumped up Monday to 220.5. It gave me a start, but it was actually just the kick in the pants I needed. Even though I knew it couldn't be a real gain, it was an excellent reminder that, 'Hey Wendy, guess what, keep on eating the crap and it will turn into a real gain. And those extra pounds will bring friends along.'

Seeing that jump helped me pull back the reins. And I am now getting back into my normal patterns, breaking out of the funk, and getting the calories back where they should be for losing. Scale was down to 218.0 today. A new low, but slow going now. Which I am absolutely, totally fine with... at least for the moment!

To my credit: the scale jump, and accompanying motivation, came AFTER I was ready to right the ship. Sunday I was finally able to throw away the rest of the cookie dough. Can you believe there was any left?!? Not much, but there was - and I finally WANTED to be rid of it. So, congrats to me, because out it went.

Bought some size 1X athletic shorts today (I started this thing needing every bit of a 2X, and in denial about probably really a 3X). Got them home, tried them on - and they are waaaaaay too big. A very nice feeling. I'm reintroducing to my closet older clothes from when I was smaller, but on the way up instead of on the way down. One skirt/blouse combo I have is a size 16W. I have come down from a 20W, so 16W is a 'wow' for me. The blouse is a bit too tight across the bust, but it's still a 'wow', that I can almost fit it. It made me realize how I can somehow accept that it's too tight to wear when I'm losing - but can't accept that when I'm gaining. That is, when I'm gaining, I've kept wearing things that are really too small, until they were just WAY too small, I guess. It's kind of embarassing to admit this, but there it is. This outfit in particular I wore when I weighed at least as much as I do now, but was on the way up. It was a bit too tight, but back then, I told myself it was really OK. Now I see that was a big ole lie!

My ankle is taking longer to heal than I expected, which is a bummer. It's still somewhat swollen (actually the side of my foot is where the swelling is), and I have pain off and on. I haven't stayed off it like I should, which is probably the reason it's healing slowly. Went for a short walk tonight, that turned into 50 minutes. Doing this instead of staying off it may keep the healing rate very slow. But I enjoyed the walk. How long can I wait for all systems to be 100%?!

Planning a mini-vacation to Lake Ge0rge, NY in a couple weeks - and very excited (and relieved) to be thinking about some vacation time, though I wish it was more. (The "real" vacation will come later this fall.) And, dontcha know, that's where R@chel R@y is from! I'm off to go dig out her $4o/day for Lake Ge0rge. Ciao!

Homesick.

2005-07-17T12:02:00.000-04:00

(This is not a weight loss-related post. For one of those, skip down to Saturday's entry, Less Than Perfect.)

Went to the Braves v. Mets game at Shea Stadium last night. The Mets have some rude-ass fans, let me tell you. I have spent a lot of nights at Turner Field (and a lot more at the old Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium), and I have never witnessed a fan for the opposing team being harassed. But both my husband and I were harassed at Shea last night for being Braves fans, wearing our Braves gear.

It made me angry. It made me realize, all over again, how different people's demeanor is in the NE versus in the South. It made me homesick. Do you know, it took me a full YEAR to adjust to living in the NE. People are nice here, but not friendly. Does that make sense? People's demeanor here is actually quite brusque. By now, I'm pretty much used to it, but for that first year, I was taking it personally, every day, every time. So the first year was pretty hellish, feeling under attack all the time.

And, when I lived in the South I used to go to Braves games all the time. I loved it, I really did. Since I was a kid, I went, and it was part of my personal culture. Since moving? We're not too near any ball parks, except minor league ones. We go to those, but anyone who's been to one knows the huge, huge difference between seeing a minor league and a major league game. The minor league games are enjoyable enough, but they're just not the thrill that major league games are - for me, anyway.

Since it's such a schlep to get to either NYC ballparks, we'd just never been. But this year I realized I was just missing it too much, and bought some tix to see my Braves (yes, they're MINE) up here. It was, indeed, a schlep out to Shea Stadium. But seeing the game live - especially because they won, of course - was really fun. Except for being repeatedly heckled - I was screamed at, my husband was called "asshole" - just for rooting for the visiting team. Another group of Mets fans disparaged us by saying, sarcastically, in our direction, "OH, John Rocker's my favorite Brave." With this remark, these people pretty clearly called us - my husband and I, people they don't fucking know - racists. Now, I take this pretty seriously. And there's really no fucking call, and it's certainly not fucking sporting, or sportsmanlike, at all, to call me a racist! Simply because I'm a Braves fan. They don't know shit about me, and couldn't possibly know how wrong this is, but they certainly should know how deeply offensive it is, and how the label "racist" is not just one that should be thrown around lightly, for fucking sport (literally, here). I mean, What? The? Fuck?! Get a life, people. This? Is a game. Racism is not. Pull your head out of your ass and figure out the fucking difference. (Can you tell I'm a tad annoyed by this?)

The aftermath is, it's made me homesick all over again. Now, I know the problems - the real problems - with the South. I think those problems have actually intensified in some ways since I've moved. But for me, I lived in Atlanta, and in the urban areas, the problems I'm thinking of are barely visible, if at all. The urban area is more progressive, and kind of insulated from the negative aspects of the South (except the heat, that is). So today, I'm probably romanticizing it a little, but I'm missing the Southern hospitality. I'm missing the easy accessibility of seeing the Braves play. I'm missing the laid-back atmosphere. I'm annoyed at the NE - at how people are so brusque, at how everything's so goddam expensive, and everyone's in such an all-fired hurry and seemingly eager to push you down in their haste.

This will pass. But today it's kind of the same old homesickness, all over again.

Less than perfect.

2005-07-16T10:38:00.000-04:00

Guys, I'm still here. I haven't become my Perfect Self yet. Despite (because of?) having some realizations about sometimes just 70% (or 60%, or 50%) is OK.

My ankle is still healing. I went for a walk Thursday - I was just antsy to - but that kind of aggravated things. So I know for sure now, I've just got to stay off it. Kind of a bummer, but you know, it's just some days. How many days and weeks did I spend sitting on my ass, piling in the wine and goodies, giving nary a thought to exercise? A week won't kill me, or totally derail me.

It does come at kind of a bad time, because I may be totally out of commission for the next couple weeks due to work, but still, it won't kill me. And it'll be there for me when I'm able to do it again. (Work is a trial, btw. I am scheduled to start one Monday. If it goes, which it probably will, then I'll be in very very intense work mode - in court all day, then working all evening to deal with that day and prepare for the next day. The schedule pretty much TOTALLY SUCKS for self-care. But it's temporary, at least.)

My calories are still not 100%. That just is what it is. I've realized (or RE-realized) that, there will always be rough patches. I will get knocked off the horse. I may knock my own damn self off the horse. This is not failure though. Limping around from falling off the horse? Not failure. Glaring at the horse, angry you got knocked off? Still not failure. Throwing hands up, saying fuck the horse, I didn't want to get there anyway, besides, it's just TOO HARD? OK, that's failure. And I'm not doing that.

What can I say, I'm going through a rough patch, there will BE THESE. I will never miraculously become a different person where every day is easy. I'm hanging on as best I can, and I'm waiting it out til the easy times come again. I know they will, they always do.

And what I'm focusing on is that there is actually a silver lining of this cloud. My supercool blog neighbor Renee helped me realize this, and I actually think of her story as the embodiment of this silver lining. Rough patches slow you down, sure. My weight loss is going slowly now. Renee has shared a lot of frustration with slow weight loss; she KNOWS what this is like. But, just as she realized, I know the silver lining is, I'm losing this weight having had cookie dough on the way. More than just cookie dough, of course, but you know what I mean -- I'm not doing this by depriving myself (which is always just a waiting game, isn't it, like how long can I take this deprivation?). For me, I think this makes for a MUCH stronger foundation of and for a new, thinner self.

(Deprivation is one of the single biggest factors that made me totally fucking snap on WW, btw. I just really and truly fucking LOST IT one day, and said to myself - and I still feel this way, deeply - a life without cheese is just not for me. But that's really another story for another day.)

Anyway, I'm not apologizing for this. I'm getting through it. My ankle WILL heal. Work WILL go back to normal. The easy days WILL come again. Til then, I'm giving myself somewhere less than perfect to go, which is really what I'm in this for this time around anyway.

What the hell am I talking about?!?!

2005-07-14T09:27:00.000-04:00

I realized after entering my last post - and this only came to me slowly - how whiny, mopey and apologetic it is. And just how WRONG that attitude is.

I should apologize for having a bad day, for not retaining ALL the good new habits in a time of continued stress? I think not. I should expect myself to be perfect - hey, guess what, now I am a Perfect Person! - when I'm hunkered down? I think not. I should REPRIMAND MYSELF for not making Perfect Food Choices, even when I'm at or close to the calories I think I should consume each day? I THINK THE FUCK NOT.

The ever-bootilicious Kerri pointed out, think back to what these episodes were like in the bad old days. And while my version of that might not be the same as hers, or yours, I bet there is one constant: in the bad old days, when we failed, whether partially or completely, we gave up. After falling off the horse, we shrugged and said, "oh well, I tried" and just gave up on trying any further.

Now, though? HELL, NO. I'm coming back. I'm Trying Again. And, I have to admit, a not-insignificant part of my motivation, my will to Try Again, is this blog. Knowing that others are checking in, that I have people I'm communicating with about this, really does help me get motivated to Try Again. And Trying Again is the difference, the critical difference, between now and then.

Sure, I'd like to figure out what pushes my food buttons. I'm trying to figure that out, and I hope I'll do that at some point on this journey. But that's a process, and processes take time. I can't and shouldn't expect to have divined all the answers and become the serene, knowledgeable one after three months on this journey. Hell, I've spent 35 years fine-tuning these old habits. It is foolish to expect them to be uprooted without a fight, figured out quickly and easily. I can and will get there, I think - but only, only if I keep Trying Again. So that's what I'm doing.

Yes, I ate more of that cookie dough. No, I didn't throw it out, like I knew I should have. And no, I don't want to. As the luscious Syd recently said about her calorie splurge, "right now, it's what I need." Somehow, I am fitting it within my calorie budget, or going just barely over. That's an improvement. But more than that, after the less-than-perfect days, I'm here, coming back, and Trying Again. That is the huge, HUGE improvement over the bad old days. And only Trying Again will get me where I want to go. So, onward!

Hanging on.

2005-07-13T18:52:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to check in, and note that I'm doing OK, since last time I posted I was so 'blah'. I've not been exercising since I turned my ankle, until it heals. Hopefully I should be able to exercise tomorrow. The only exercise I do is walking, usually around 45-50 minutes, though sometimes more (and sometimes, if it's too late, less). I don't belong to a gym so right now I don't have other exercise options available. And frankly, I really don't care to. I love walking, and I can't go down the supermegamega exercise road again. I've lost weight that way before, but it's not a lifestyle I can maintain. So this time, my exercise plan is to just stick with something I enjoy and can sustain. That's walking. It's just this temporary injury that's temporarily keeping me from it.

Eating is going so-so. My calories have been pretty OP the past couple days, but food choices not the best. I could describe how, but is that really important? What's really important, to my mind, anyway, is the why - both the obvious and not-so-obvious reasons. The obvious reasons are easy to peg: stress from work, lack of sleep, TOM. The not so obvious reasons? When I get a chance, I'm pondering those, but I haven't quite pegged them yet (beyond pondering possible motivations I've come up with before, and shared here). I'm keeping on working on it, as I'm able, and, in the meantime, trying to "hang on" at least calorie-wise as I go through this little rough patch.

I've been off the scale for a couple days, both because it's TOM, and that pushes my weight up by as much as 5 pounds, and because I figured I have some bloating from this crappy food I've been eating. This morning, though, I wanted to get on the scale. I debated with myself, I want to, but I'm afraid to (you know you've done this, too). I decided I wouldn't let it ruin my day - that I was not weighing my self-worth - if it was high like I expected it to be. Well, the scale said 220.0. But it also said 221.0, and 221.5. I could never get it to keep reading the same number. The words of other bloggers rang in my ears, about how hard it is to read non-digital scales. Well, even digital ones can be indecisive! I figure anything in this neighborhood, I can't really complain. So it didn't risk ruining my day after all. It can be such a battle, to want to know what the number is, and not to hide from the results of what you've done - but also to fear the negative results of getting a "too high" number. But then there's also the negative results of the number being too low - that is, you cheat, but still see a low number, and the devil on your shoulder tries to convince you that you can get away with it. I think I have dieting schizophrenia.

I caved.

2005-07-11T22:07:00.000-04:00

It's partially my husband's fault. When he's not a pusher, he's an enabler. I was all grumbly and wanted some cookie dough. I fantasized about how it would taste, its texture. I thought it would soothe me. So what does he do? Gets the cookie dough, of course. He did check to make sure I wanted it before he went out. I had an opportunity to say no. I didn't want to say no. But I also didn't want to say it out loud - that I wanted the cookie dough. He, of course, needed to know what kind, what brand, pertinent details. I was ashamed as I specified them. But I didn't stop the process.

Home come the cookie dough. Sliced off part of the tube, sat my fat ass on the couh and dug in. But it did not soothe me. It wasn't even that good. It didn't taste like I had been fantasizing. The texture was blah. The ratio of chocolate chips to dough was wrong and irritating. And, the calories? I had Not That Much of the cookie dough, I thought, but afterward, I weighed it, and doing the math, I see that Not That Much when it's cookie dough adds up to 520 calories. Yes, 5-2-0. Crikey.

I logged it, sure enough. My total for the day is 2300 cals. So far. It's bad. But part of me wants it to be worse, wants a truly lamentable number, like 5,000 or something. And another part of me wants to throw the rest of the cookie dough in the trash, and cover it up with something like coffee grounds, or actually maybe something inedible, and get the damn stuff out of harm's way. I sit here feeling a little sick, from my cookie dough, my wine, lack of exercise, grumpiness at my otherwise-tres-adorable cat who WILL NOT TAKE HIS MEDICINE WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO, and with a headache coming on. That damn cookie dough didn't help one damn bit.

Bumps in the road.

2005-07-11T09:38:00.000-04:00

Literally. I twisted my ankle on one and fell last night, skinning badly the knee of the other leg. So, today I'm limping around. I like to think I'm simpatico with the bootylicious Kerri, but of course my minor little injury just doesn't even compare.

Been having a rough patch lately in terms of staying OP with my calories. I haven't gone crazy with cals, they've just been higher than they really should be lately. On one hand, I don't like that. On the other hand, if being on the high side for a while gets me through a time of low motivation, and ultimately enables me to stick with this thing (rather than chucking it all), then it's a small price to pay. Still tracking cals, though. Keeping on keeping on, such as it is.

Today marks three months of being OP (generally, not perfectly, of course). I got a massage Friday to reward myself, and took the day off for rest. It was sooooooo nice. Today, though, I am all grumbly due to it being Monday, being slightly injured, having TOM, and a sick cat to boot, that will NOT let me give him his antibiotics. Not to mention some other little body weirdnesses I'm having at the moment. Truly, I know I could have it a lot worse. But my routine's a little off, my life's a little off at the moment, so I'm a little grumbly. Also, going back into an ultra-heavy work period, on a case I really loathe, so that contributes as well. And now, while my ankle hurts, I can't get exercise. Waah!

Hopefully it will heal quickly, though. Certainly I could be worse off. Onward, then.

More innocents paying other people's tolls.

2005-07-07T13:39:00.000-04:00

Obviously, today's attacks in London are wholly unrelated to the purpose of this blog. But how can I simply ignore them? I am so sad, and so angry. I agree wholeheartedly with the words of George Galloway. My heart goes out to the victims, their friends and family.

I'd also like to add my second and endorsement of Rick Steves' response as well.

Inexplicable.

2005-07-06T10:44:00.000-04:00

Got my lunch at Whole Foods yesterday, as I so often do. They didn't have the buffalo chicken fingers that I adore, or their delicious caprese quiche (which claims to be 200 cals/serve! I think this is wrong and clock it higher), but they did have a salad I really like, and the grilled gazpacho (the non-grilled variety is not delicious), so I got those.

But something weird happened. The 'Vietnamese Chicken Salad' that I got, and have gotten multiple times before (and really like), had had its name changed to 'Vietnamese "Chicken" Salad.' This gave me pause. The "chicken" looked like chicken. REALLY. It tasted like chicken. I think it *was* chicken, and not "chicken" at all. The ingredient list indicated something called 'tempeh' was in the recipe - is that a very chicken-like substance?

I hesitated, yes, but still got it, still enjoyed it.

I've started logging my cals on calorieking.com. I think you have to log in, though, as me, to see what I'm eating, so I don't think I can link here. Plus I'm pretty technically illiterate, so even if there was a way, I'm not likely to find it. Generally, I think it's pretty boring to look at someone else's food, but once in a while I can see that I might just want to compare what I'm doing with what someone else is.

For me, it's just a place to log it and have a history to reference. Because I'm anal and I like to have records like that. Also I wanted to know their recommendation for calories and exercise. The recs are flexible - they're based on how fast you want to lose (if you want to lose). To maintain, they recommend 2400 cals a day for me, plus 250 cals of exercise. To lose (at 1#/week), its 1700, plus (actually, minus) 250 cals of exercise. Pretty do-able. I initially started with 2#/week but that gave me some crazy calories I knew I couldn't live with like 1100-something or some similar nonsense. No f'ing way.

This leads me to my goal this time. For me, this journey is not really about just the weight loss. Although I do have a sort-of goal of weighing 154 pounds (70kg), what this journey is really about, this time, for now at least, is finding a healthier lifestyle that I can live with, that is SUSTAINABLE, and that hopefully will get me to (or close to) this weight. If it got me only to 160, but was sustainable? I'd be thrilled. The key of course being sustainability. Lord knows I've lost weight before but have never kept it off. Finding a path on which I can keep the weight off, that's my goal this time around.

Say, though, this lifestyle gets me only to 170, or 175, or 180, what then? Well, we'll see when I get there.

(OOH - also meant to add that at Whole Foods I got a cheese called goat gouda - OHMIGOD it is so yummy! Had some with cherries for a late afternoon snack. Heavenly! Try this out if you can, if you're a cheesehead like me!)

Mish mash.

2005-07-04T15:07:00.000-04:00

Very random thoughts. I'm so bored. Nothing to do. Though the weather is beautiful here. Even stunning. Wish I could come up with some outdoor entertainment options.

Finally really feel like I am solidly into a place where I really do notice being smaller physically (less fat). Even my hub has noticed - just said he noticed I was looking good lately (I haven't talked to him about eating less).

Yet there is the pull at the back of my mind, the taunting whisper of, but there's so far to go. It's hard to look in a mirror and feel like you can see huge improvement: an image 90# overweight is not remarkably different from an image 70# overweight.

Yet, this is the kind of attitude that helped me UP the scale. The "what's another pound or two" lie to yourself, that says after a certain point, more pounds just don't matter. They DO matter. I can say this with certainty. I'm learning - noticing, maybe for the first time - there is a difference. I can see I've lied to yself that gaining "just a pound or two" here or there isn't noticeable, doesn't matter. I can see, lately, that a pound or two really DOES count, that five pounds really does make a difference, at least in terms of clothing. And the littler bits add up the bigger bits, of course. And bigger (or smaller) sizes.

I am fitting back into clothes I couldn't wear last year, and that's a nice feeling. I am trying to talk to myself, positively, to restrain the side of me that is ready to blurt out to anyone who'll ask just how many pounds I've lost (just give me the slightest opportunity!). In my fantasy, this bragging is followed quickly, of course, with my recognition of how much farther there is to go, how many more pounds to lose. And isn't that really an apology for being fat? Saying to anyone who compliments you, "I know I'm still fat"? I've done this I don't know how many times, and now it's really drilling down to my brain and heart just how defeatist this is.

I'm encouraging myself to find real peace and joy in what I have accomplished so far. That, if I never got farther than this, I should rejoice in what I DID do, not feel bad that I didn't get farther. Of course, I want to get farther. But to only rejoice if I get farther, do more, etc., is to negate the value of what I have done now. And if I negate the value of what I have done so far... doesn't that encourage self-destruction.

If it all ended tomorrow, I would be happy that at least I had turned this thing around. I'd stopped gaining, stopped avoiding mirrors, stopped outgrowing my clothing. I'd started losing, had the joys of having my clothes become too large, fitting back into clothes I had outgrown. I had had the sheer pleasures of many energizing and relaxing walks on beautiful spring and summer evenings. Through my walks my appreciation of my physical surroundings deepened, and I got more out of them. I had given up sedating myself each evening - I had become more ALIVE.

This is not to say I'm stopping here. But I'm starting to suspect that, without really and truly valuing each piece of what I've done - without apologizing for the pieces I haven't gotten to yet - this journey won't be rewarding enough to continue as far as I would like to go.

So, today I'm wearing the cutest handkerchief-print pants. I outgrew these last summer, but still wore them for a while beyond the point where they should have been worn. It's a really good feeling to have them fit me properly, to be caring for and maintaining my body. To be improving it. Not to avoid it anymore. To appreciate it, and give it what it needs. And I write it all here for a reminder, for another day when this feels like crap, when the scale won't move, when I'm feeling burnt out and lacking the desire to continue. As I've said before, be here, now. Take the time to savor what positive changes you have created so far. Be in this moment, not in some future moment that may never come.

I need to remember, and continue to remember: Today has brought its own pleasures.

say hello to my little friend.

2005-06-30T21:36:00.000-04:00

meet Pedro.

I don't want to brag or anything, but I do have the new Sportline 360 pedometer. You read that right: the 360, baby. 360. He goes all the way around. If you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

I got him on e-bay for the sweet sweet price of $11.89, despite an apparent "market value" of $30. those fools at the "market"! don't they know the net's where it's at?! I love to wear Pedro, and push his buttons, and touch him and feed him and love him. And he loves me, too. The good word from Pedro was that, in Chicago on Friday, I walked over 16,000 steps - and then nearly 18,000 on Saturday. No wonder I was tired on Sunday! (Plus I was tired due to being unable to sleep, due to Squeaky McStomperson coming home to the apt above ours - I'm very tempted to post the address but I'll refrain - guess what fucker, we can HEAR YOU when you come home every night after 2 am and practice your fucking riverdancing or whatever the fuck it is you're doing for the better part of an hour. FYI - YOU SUCK.) Anyway, back to pleasant topics: Pedro says I've gone 12,567 steps today, or 6 miles. Yay for me and my little buddy!

I'll note that it helps to get a good night's sleep (hint fucking hint, Squeaky).

Pedro's mileage is not entirely accurate, because it's just simple math based on a step length that you select (x number of steps taken). But he's handy for other stuff, like a clock, an automatic timer, a cumulative odometer, a 7-day memory for "distance traveled" (such as it is) each day for the past 7 days, and - wait for it - calories burned! Pedro says I've burned 739 calories just walking today! That's based on your weight, which you also input. Flippin' sweet. Oh, he also tells you your average step per minute, and how many miles per hour you're going - the latter, again, being dependent on a step length that may or may not be accurate. Maybe you guys are better at that than I am. But maybe not. Feh.

Bottom line: Vote for Pedro. He'll make your wildest dreams come true.
(sorry - couldn't resist)

And, continuing the technology theme, here's what I listened to while burning off those 739 calories:

Short Skirt/Long Jacket – Cake
Policy of Truth – Depeche Mode
Fat Bottom Girls – Queen
Fine Tuning – The Connells
Take Me, I’m Yours – Squeeze
I’ve Been Waiting – Matthew Sweet
Is This Love – Bob Marley & The Wailers
Bad Girls – Donna Summer
Stacy’s Mom – Fountains of Wayne
ABC – Jackson 5
Get on the Good Foot, Pt 1 – James Brown
Bizarre Love Triangle – New Order
I Wanna Be Your Lover – Prince
More Bounce to the Ounce, Pt. 1 – Zapp
100% Pure Love – Crystal Waters*
A Little Less Conversation (JXL Radio Edit Remix)*
(Don’t Fear) The Reaper (cover) – Dragstrip
A Fifth of Beethoven – Walter Murphy
Waterloo – ABBA

* - inspired by the bootylicious Kerri

OK, I'm gonna go find something to spend those 739 cals on - see ya! (JK, of course. I'm sure I won't spend all of them...)

Why?

2005-06-29T20:38:00.000-04:00

Odd as it may seem, one of the thoughts that followed my intense desire to be thin in order to validate myself was, why? Why do I even want to lose weight? Why does it matter, what size I am, or whether or not I'm fat or thin? Why? What is it that I even want out of this? Is my life going to be better when I get there? Is it any better NOW, 20 pounds down? What's so great about it? Will it be good enough to keep me there, to make me want to stay?

Why do I even want this?

It was kind of a visceral question. Almost rhetorical, like, it really DOESN'T matter if I'm fat or thin, so why care. It was more of a feeling than a thought.

But being the big ole egghead that I am, of course, I had to react to this with thought.

So why? Unfair as it sometimes seems, part of the reason is my health. My health just ain't really right at this weight. Hopefully, at a lower weight, my health will not be at risk (*gulp* - is my health putting me "at risk"? I'd never really thought of it in those stark terms before). I'll have a much easier time finding clothes AT ALL, let alone clothes that are flattering, that I like. I'll feel better in my own skin.

But isn't feeling better in my own skin just another way of saying, I'll be happier with who I am? And isn't "who I am" the same now as then? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe who I am after going through that process will be a somewhat different version of me, not just thinner, but a little bit wiser, a little bit more mature, a little bit deeper. Maybe.

Honestly this is in part related to that feeling of invalidity. If I feel that I am fundamentally not valid - that what I bring to the world doesn't matter, doesn't count (unless I fuck up, of course) - that's just how I feel about myself. And being thin won't change that. Which naturally leads to the question, so why worry about getting thin?

So I think the relationship between feeling invalid and being fat is kind of in the nature of chicken-and-egg. I felt invalid so I made myself fat to CONFIRM that I am invalid. And then, I felt invalid BECAUSE I was fat. And on and on.

Curing the fatness is only curing the symptom, not the cause... methinks.

So, then, all's I need to do is improve my sense of self-worth. Right. I'll have that done by the tomorrow, I'm sure, and I'll just see you then. :P

just briefly

2005-06-28T20:40:00.000-04:00

I had a great, GREAT time in the fabulous city of Chicago. And BIG ups to Meg for taking the time and making the effort to compile a phenomenal list of how to enjoy the Taste of Chicago while still fitting in your airplane seat on the way home. Meg, if you're reading, you should consider sending your post to a Chicago publication as a guideline for Taste on a (calorie) budget. Seriously.

Unfortunately, my great weekend came to a screeching painful halt that has me still reeling. Namely, my husband and I got together with some old friends of his, a couple. We went out to dinner with just the husband. Said husband and I ended up in an argument due to him making what I considered to be some very very asinine, classist statements. My style may have contributed; I don't think I was at my best. Nevertheless he was a rude asshole and no one made him say the asinine things he did, but him.

The reason I'm posting this here is this: during the argument, I had this almost overwhelming desire to be thin, because I believed, truly believed down to my bones, that it would make what I was saying more valid. That being thin would make ME valid. That maybe he wouldn't have been such an asshole to me if I were thin. That I would have been better - more eloquent, more nimble - at having the damn argument if I were thin.

And it was a shitty feeling, to feel like I am not valid, and that others must not consider me valid, because I am fat. And I haven't quite been able to totally shake it off yet.

It's not very inspiring or motivating, to want to be thin in order to improve someone ELSE's opinion of you. It's really fucking depressing. And frustrating.

Since then I've been kind of stalled out and sullen. I'm justifying not exercising by the SHITLOAD of walking I did in Chicago. I'm trying to figure out how to juggle in more calories (though not legitimately, such as by exercise), including especially wine and chocolate.

I'm angry and frustrated and sad. And annoyed at this guy for acting like a fucker. And annoyed at my husband for making us meet up with them so it could happen. I guess in the end I may be grateful for this experience for what it (hopefully) will show me about myself. But right now it's just ugly.

New toy.

2005-06-23T11:23:00.000-04:00

I got my pedometer yesterday, I got my pedometer yesterday! Yay! It's my new toy! I'm still figuring it out and haven't named it yet but I had a great time with it last night already (oh baby!). Went for a Big Walk and between that and errand-running, I clocked 9183 steps. I didn't figure I'd get nearly so close to the recommended 10,000 (big believer in myself, obviously). But I did, woot!

Plus it will be fun to have this weekend. I'm going to Chicago to visit my husband (who's there for work) and of course I'm planning on walking walking walking, seeing everything, as I've never been to Chicago before. And this way I'll get to really see if I've gotten my exercise, without just naively assuring myself, oh yeah, you've gotten your exercise, you're fiiiiiiine, go ahead and have that chips and queso. This is extra good too, since we're going to something called The Taste of Chicago. With lots of tasting to be encouraged, if not involved. Thinking about it more, I realize, argh! This would be more fun if you have no food limits but for those of us who do... I'll just have to figure out how to put some enforceable limits on this little adventure.

Scale dropped another half pound today to 221.0. A good day all around!

Lil fun times.

2005-06-22T10:23:00.000-04:00

First off, big hellos and thanks for readings to those who stop by and those who have popped in to say hello themselves. I loves having ya here. Please, come by anytime. If I'm not around, just make yourself at home. ;) Mi blog es su blog.

(Edited to add: be warned, however, that I consider this my personal space. that is to say, I tend to let it all hang out... without really noticing. as you'll see if you keep reading...)

So I sit here today in a new bra, the second of the two I purchased last week. I wore the other one yesterday. Trying these suckers (and other suckers) on last week, I caught a most unhappy view of what appeared to be a large pillow of flesh - almost another boob, even - created on my BACK (yes you read that right), between the strap and my arm pit. Lovely, right? Actually, I was truly frightened and have been afraid to look back there since - at least without stretching my arm and shoulder out, thereby preventing any piling of flesh in this surprising region (can you believe it's a freaking REGION?!).

So the new bra I wore yesterday had non-stretchy straps. This is both good and bad. For the naturally large-mammaried among us, such as myself, the stretchy streps do provide some comfort to the shoulders, but this comes at the cost of appearance. There is a bounce factor. Which is not very good - think of, the bigger they are, the harder they fall. Er, bounce. There is also a droop factor. Which only matters when you were shirts with darts and seams that point straight to what is supposed to be the boob area - and your actual boob falls BELOW this designated boob area. What to do, what to do.

So, yesterday's new bra: straps not stretchy. Hopefully not pillows of flesh on my back along the straps. But these non-stretchy straps truly seemed to have no idea what they were in for. (You'd think they would, being in a "full-figure" bra and all, but no.) No, they didn't stretch. They creaked. (Yes, you read that right.) Holding on for dear life, the poor bastards just couldn't do their job without occasionally groaning in agony. All day long. Kind of like the groans a ship makes right before it busts apart and water goes everywhere. I ended up with a similar vague sense of dread every time I heard one of these creaks.
cre-e-e-eak!

And yes, I have had a bra bust on me (more than once) in the middle of the workday. Had to do it back up creatively, with office supplies. Though I do pat myself on the back for grace under pressure... I've no need for a similar opportunity anytime soon.

This one today is not groaning so far - whew! For your clothing to be audibly insulting you is not very much fun.

In other news: I ate the Dor1tos. But since they came out of the vend-o-matic, they were a Sensible Portion, clocking in at 140 calories. I was actually a bit disappointed at hitting the little chiplets at the bottome of the bag so quickly. Fortunately or unfortunately, the big grab was not available. And, after having them, I pretty much forgot about it and so felt no urge to go get a more luscious portion on the way home.

I actually had another lil catastrophe yesterday, but I think I'll hang on to that one and share another day. I'll give you a teaser, though: the end result was I was thinking, "I wonder if Depends makes a thong?" You'll just have to wonder for now...

And, who knows, maybe it was those damn Dor1to's but the scale finally moved today - to 221.5. This makes 20 pounds, my blogging friends. Twen-ty. 20 pound-er-inos. Two, zero. Yep, 20. If only I hadn't had such a half-retarded morning with myself I'd be feeling even prouder and cockier. Oh well, just give me an hour or two. I'll recover and move into full-on strut zone.

20 big ones.

I'm feeling him.

2005-06-21T13:31:00.000-04:00

news headlines: Saddam loves Dor1tos and Fritos. Hmmm. *I* love Dor1tos and Fr1tos. Saddam can be a real SOB. *I* can be a real bitch. Hmmmmm. Saddam was a brutal dictator. My husband probably thinks *I* can be a brutal dictator. connection? maybe.

(JK. the most amazing thing about this story is that it's a story. HELLO there is a whole freaking world out there where REAL SHIT is happening, and THIS is what our media can't shut the fuck up about? [/rant])

Actually, I'm craving me some Dor1to's right about now. My brain is getting quite creative with the justifications. Lots and lots of good reasons to go ahead and have the Dor1to's, it seems. Damn you Saddam, why'd you have to bring this up?!

I think I'm going to start tracking my calories the way I track my weight. Syd had an interesting point (on her blog or a comment somewhere) about how her body reacts to unhealthy choices 2 weeks later. Considering my two-week plateau, I was thinking I'd like to be able to check back and see how my eating was. So I'm just going to record daily calories at the end of the day, the way I record my daily weight, in my calendar. If nothing else, it gives my OCD side a little something new to fiddle with.

Scale is back to the plateau number today (223.0). Plateau-wise it's frustrating, but weekend-wise it's a relief to see the number come back down like it's supposed to. But in the end, part of me believes that "mixing it up" calorie-wise is conducive to weight loss. Or is that just the devil on my shoulder, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, blowing Dor1to breath in my face to further tempt me?

Turning Japanese.

2005-06-20T14:25:00.000-04:00

Today, thinking about what to have for lunch, I felt the Urge To Splurge. A little voice in my head whined about having the same old thing, and encouraged me to bust out and get one of my old fatty faves.

Yes, I shot back to myself, what a great idea, to splurge a bit right after having super high cal days both Friday AND Saturday, and a marginal day yesterday what with my pusher-husband insisting on a father's day meal of BBQ. (He just *is* a pusher, that is all. I am not sure what I am going to do about that. Thankfully, he's going out of town for 10 days.)

I guess this is just the recurrence of those old, old habits, that seem to be awakened by multiple days' worth of bad food choices. Right-oh, great idea, let's follow days worth of splurging with yet more splurging, brilliant! This way I'm sure to peel off more fat, right? Right?!

Fortunately, I recognized this quickly as a scary bug of an idea, and SQUASHED it and went to find something reasonably healthy and tasty at Wh0le F00ds. Ended up with a sushi dish, a soft shell crab roll. Yum! I think it's around 400 calories, based on calorie listings for other similar rolls. So, good for me, and I'm sure I enjoyed it more than one of the old fatty faves - which, really, are never very good as they're all fast food and consequently pretty low-grade on the food quality scale. I liked it, it was a nice change from my usual choices, and hopefully I am not way off with the calorie estimate.

*****

I am wearing a new top I bought last week. I simply had to have some new clothes. No, I am not slim yet, but I felt I deserved an item or two that were a bit dressier and that I could present myself a bit more nicely in. Well, this top fit quite well in the store. Today, though, it seems to want to cling to a stomach that somehow seems to be protruding - which it didn't really seem to last Thursday, when I tried this supposed-to-be-flattering thing on. So I'm a little frustrated. On the plus side, it does encourage me to try to hold in my stomach as I walk around - which I really never do. Does this count as working out, then? ;)

It moved.

2005-06-19T10:49:00.000-04:00

well, you know how I was complaining that the scale hadn't moved? well, yesterday it did. UPWARDS. to 225.5. ARGH!

I am trying to tell myself, oh, but Wendy, the body is an amazing adaptable organism and it goes through wonderful periods of whoosh! losses and then wonderful periods of adjustments that you just can't see on the scale, tra la la. but this is not too much solace, especially when the damn numbers go up!

part of this is, to be honest, my fault, and it should pass. we went out for Japanese food Friday night - yum! my calories for the day were so off. SO off. less than 3,000, but barely. due in part to two martinis, which I estimate at 400 calories each. curse them! with their big fat yummy olives! then at dinner (which was fab and fun) our food was just LOADED up with salty spicy sauces which grab hold to all the water in a 10-foot radius and won't let go for days.

even knowing this, though, it was still frustrating to see such a big jump on the scale.

then, yesterday was my firm's annual beach party. someone else possessed my body yesterday, and chose crap food after crap food. foot long hot dog. margarita. cookies. a brownie. potato salad. just a continuous trail of calories into my mouth.

yesterday I probably had around 3,000 calories. two days in a row of high high cals! I cannot lose weight eating this much. argh!

but OK, so I'm reckoning with myself. I'm coming face to face with having done this. I didn't even really enjoy the beach party calories. (the Japanese food calories... I did really enjoy. really.) I know what I did wrong. what did I do right? (anything?) and what could I have done better?

I went for a nice long walk yesterday morning, one of my super-walks. when I got home, I used a mapping software we have to determine that I walked 4 miles. yay me! I was pretty excited about that. still am, actually. took me about 1:10, including stopping at a yard sale or two. so that was a good thing I did. maybe the only good thing!

things I could have done better: more water both Friday and Saturday. I had hardly any! at the beach, I could have started with some salad. they had it! why didn't I take any, and fill up a little with that? next time. I guess. I have to admit, the thought doesn't thrill me... I guess (I'm only guessing here) the trick is to just give yourself one or two of the food/drinks you crave, and otherwise stay OP?

I just don't know if I can do that. I do so great so much of the time, that I really want to be able to just forget about it all at vacation-type events. The problem that's keeping me fat is, they aren't just once or twice a year, like vacation! I like to be able to get out and Enjoy Life, and have gotten quite accustomed to doing to with food. And I think I'll blame my husband a little here, too - it's not just me, he's the first to want to go get yummy food, go get me another brownie, etc. He's a pusher! and it's tough to resist yourself, let alone someone else...

and those alcohol calories, they get me every time, but they're not acting all alone. at least those I enjoy, unlike the tasteless brownie I caught myself nearly FINISHING before realizing it wasn't even very good, just throw the bugger away!

so this is so rambling. but I needed to come here, and face the music - yet I realize that I do this to an unhealthy extent - I need to not be so much of a drama queen about it. self-flagellation doesn't purge the calories, it doesn't make it OK.

more than anything, this is to remind myself to get back on the horse, to keep trying. I can whine and kick and moan about how dumb I am, but what will that accomplish, besides reaffirming to some part of myself that yes, I am dumb, I fuck up, I deserve to be punished and to stay fat. I should just give it up, the best I deserve is tasteless brownies and sedation through margaritas.

I am realizing as I am typing this that self-flagellation is my habit. as if punishing yourself afterwards makes everything alright again. is this tied to my two-week plateau, a mindless reaction to the scale not moving? or is this simply old habits - a reflexive return to old, too-familiar habits of overeating to get back to this place? to this feeling of inadequacy, of being deservedly fat and out of place in the world? some part of me knows this is true, that the yummyness of the Japanese food is just a cover to camouflage the behavior, and the true motivations lurking below the surface.

I feel like I should apologize for this entry, that it's so meandering. but isn't that just symptomatic of just what I'm unearthing here - an underlying, ever-present need to apologize to the world for being fat, for not being perfect, for not having it all figured out?

Holy shit.

2005-06-16T14:51:00.000-04:00

Diet soda causes weight gain? I read this with a bottle of diet c0ke in hand, people. holy fuck. excuse the language, because this *is* foul language-worthy.

I wonder, though, if this is just a correlation - like, people who are more likely to drink diet soda are also more likely to do x, y and z, which cause fat gain, and less likely to do a, b or c, which contribute nicely to slimming.

argh!

Jeez!

2005-06-16T14:28:00.000-04:00

My schedule goes back to normal, I have some free time - you'd THINK I'd post more often, wouldn't you?!?!

I have been enjoying the last few days - gloriously taking my time, since I have it, ha ha! I have been catching up at work, which has been extra good since I am still somewhat in high-efficiency mode, so I have been having an easy time concentrating, and getting things done pretty quickly. So nice!

And I have so enjoyed my leisure hours, getting to walk as I wanted, and getting to visit with my husband and my kitty, yay! I'm a girl that REALLY enjoys her leisure, let me tell you. I even got myself a leisure talisman for my 2-month reward - yeah, baby! I've been with this two whole months and I am going strong. woot! (shhh - don't tell anyone I'm addicted to the TV shopping channels).

Yesterday, my husband and I had a day that was very much like being on vacation. I can truly feel the stress leaving (and having left) my body, and I am so loving it.

Food and exercise, going pretty well. Scale, not so well. Hasn't moved really in two weeks. Bleh! But I remind myself that, even on the way up, the scale takes unexplained breaks. We all know you can have awful weeks food- and exercise-wise, and still have a loss. And since that's true, the converse is true as well: you can do everything right, and still not have a short-term result to show for it. The key word of course, being SHORT-TERM. This, too, shall pass - literally! (ha!)

I'm also reminding myself that the body is an amazing, adaptable organism. Right now it is doing some adaptations that mean no losses on the scale. But I know it WILL go down again. And after just two months getting my shit together, I have a noticeable improvement in my exercise: I enjoy it! I crave it! I really get to booking it and am just really enjoying myself. Plus sleeping better! So these two things alone really do make it worthwhile.

And more losses? They'll come. This thing will end up teaching me patience, if nothing else!

Back to normal. For now...

2005-06-13T22:05:00.000-04:00

My schedule is now back to normal for the next 5 weeks. Woooo hoooo! My stress level never got too crazy so my one hectic week was really pretty good, health-wise. My food was generally healthy choices: I got all F&V and water in every day, and stayed within calories all days but one, Friday. and I got exercise most days.

Friday, I kind of, sort of, Took The Night Off. The backdrop is this: crazy day at work Friday. Running around like a crazy woman trying to get everything done and remember everything that's not done yet and get to that next. No time to stop to eat. Brought my usual yogurt, fruit salad, banana and another fruit (peach, maybe? or cherries?). Anyway, like I say, no time to stop and eat so I just munch on my fruit and yogurt through out the day. Also had 1 1/2 oz of cheese (YUM!). But at the end of the day, I felt like I had never *really* eaten. I felt deprived. I think you know what I mean here.

Had a happy hour at work, where I consumed one M1ke's lemon@de. Just one. Go me. Then got home and needed to eat, also wanted to (see deprived, above). Went to R3d 1obster, an old favorite. Got a big meal, people. AND a glass of wine.

at the end of it all, I figure I had around 2400 calories for the day. This is not within my calories, but it's not totally off the reservation, so I'm pretty OK with it. For me, this is more about dissecting my feelings before, during and after my "off" moments, to figure out what keeps bringing me back there.

So my feelings? Deprived. Hungry. Deserving of a reward (sound familiar?). But, with my recent epiphany, I kind of had a feeling, at the back of my mind, that taking a night off is, in one way, taking a night off from not hurting myself. that is, letting me hurt myself for the night, because it's an old comfort.

knowing this didn't stop me. it did slow me down, though. I cracked my crab claws and really enjoyed the tactile aspect of unearthing the sweet meat inside. I ordered veggies instead of my usual fries (yay, me!). I dipped my crab in butter, but I used to use two whole serving cups of the butter for this meal. I used only 1/2 a one. And yes, I did have the wine, but I had ONE glass. So one drink at work from 5:30 to 6:30, then one glass of wine with din-din, from about 8:00.

it was a night off, but it wasn't a night going crazy, stuffing my face. it was a night of enjoying foods and drink I like, without eating until I was stuffed, or eating and drinking until I was sedated and barely conscious.

nights like these, I can live with, once in a while.

*******

and on Sunday I went and got that b1izzard I'd been craving for days. I planned it, counted my calories, and fit it within my day. all in all, I'm glad I went and got it, because it got the monkey off my back: now, I don't want one. it wasn't really very good. I was thinking, though, hmmmmmm. you know what I'd like more than this? a tc8y. is there one of those around here? ;)

went for a walk tonight, despite it being about a million and six degrees, and stayed within calories today, despite having a martini with lunch to celebrate the gift of my scheduling going to normal. you know, looking at the recap today and return to normal after these aberrant food events of the weekend... I think I might just be figuring out that elusive concept referred to as balance.

I missed you...

2005-06-12T19:04:00.000-04:00

you were on my mind on and off for days. I remembered back to fun memories of lunches with you and my other friends. I remembered your variety, how you could always be different. I remembered how being with you was fun, and exciting, and sensual. because of these things, you'd been on my mind.

so I went out and found you. it had been years, but I tracked you down. you were familiar, yet unfamiliar, too. as we headed towards one another, I couldn't help but notice, you seemed a little bigger than I remembered. I was both excited and daunted. I grabbed you and happily dove into that familiar embrace.

I plunged into your softness, relished the cool contrast of your substance. but, from the first moment, things seemed a tad off. I was not too surprised to think, I guess time changes things. where once I found you perfect, now I found you sweet. too sweet. no offense, but you were a bit cloying. you tried a little too hard. but how could I hold this against you, an old friend?

I continued forward with our encounter, reminded anew of a girth I had never quite been aware of before. frankly, you are more than I can handle now. I don't know if you've changed, or I've changed, or if I was just more, I don't know, zealous when I was younger.

whatever it was, there was only so much I can take, but don't take it personally, it's not your fault. I guess I'm a different person now. the same things just don't do it for me anymore - even when I'm sure they will, when my memory tells me it's a sure thing.

alas. you were a fun part of my past. but it looks like these days, my tastes have changed. I need something different. something more subtle. something not quite so huge! da1ry qu33n bl1zzard, I loved you once. but we have no future. it's not you, it's me. and, you know? thanks for the memories.

Out of pocket.

2005-06-09T22:51:00.000-04:00

Work's been varying from intense to insane. Food has been pretty easy, though, due to having a constant stockpile of fruit on hand, and a few single servings of sharp cheddar. A serve or two of fruit and ounce of cheese seem to hold me til I can get to a meal - plus it's foods I really enjoy, unlike the crap that I would otherwise be eating out of the vend-o-matic (which, ps, leaves me hungry). Take that, fr1to-lay.

In other news, my ass actually hurts from sitting on it so much (at my desk).

I only have time for a quickie.

2005-06-07T14:33:00.000-04:00

Work is intense but I really wanted to check in. Here's what I'm chewing on, when my mind's not on work (like when it wakes me up in a panic at 4 am):

We all talk about the ridiculous images of women purveyed by the US media. (See Renee for some great examples.) There's no question, I think, that there's pressure on women to look a certain way, to be a certain size, to not be fat. Meanwhile, of course, when you hear men complaining about fat women, the men are often fat themselves. Revealing the double standard - that women, too, seem to accept. So women in some ways generally seem to accept that these requirements on their body, and how their body looks to the world, exist. (I mean US women, here. Can't really speak to too much outside of this country.)

Yet, it is also indisputable that we in the US continue to get fatter and fatter. This naturally includes women.

Is this simply the byproduct of all the crap they are putting in our foods - an unavoidable reaction to the chemistry of our food? (For example, HFCS is found in almost every processed food here. Yet in the EU, you won't see HFCS as an ingredient - they use actual sugar, what a concept! Actual sugar is utilized differently by the body than HFCS, which is a fat-storage-enhancer.) Is it emotional: are women punishing themselves for not looking like Hollywood starlets, and overeating to do so? Is it emotional in other ways - like we are seeking to fill our growing emptiness (filling emptiness is, I think, how psychologists typically seem to analyze overeating)? Is it a backlash to this image? Are the two realities even related?

We are all so keenly aware of the pressure on women to look a certain way. Why is it that, despite such high awareness of that pressure, we get fatter? Is it like Meg's and Zara's reaction to those who tell us to be thin, the "I'll show YOU, I'll get even fatter?" Is this all there is to it? And, if so, what is this reaction about? Is it the self-mutilation thing, like I'm thinking it is - that we feel unworthy because we don't measure up, so we do things to ourselves that will confirm that we are in fact unworthy, that we should be ashamed of ourselves. Is it something else?

I am sure there is not just one watertight answer. But it seems to me there is likely a relationship between the pressure and the incidence of overweight, because they are so opposed to one another yet they both exist. And if we can unravel it from a global perspective, maybe it's less painful - and maybe even easier to see - than examining our own old behaviors. Just thinking over here...

Confessions.

2005-06-05T11:00:00.000-04:00

The anal-retentive planning part is taking over. In figuring my average weight for the week, amount lost over last week's average, and total lost at the end of 8 weeks - that gremlin comes out. You know, the one that pulls out the green visor, and the manually operated adding machine, and starts crunching numbers, periodically pulling the arm lever of the adding machine to see what we get to. Cackling, of course.

The gremlin says, hey! At this rate, we can pass the next milestone (209.x) by August 1! We can even be below 200 by Labor Day! WHOA! Get to getting, Wendy! I wanna see those numbers on the scale! I want to get into that blue satiny outfit, those old favorite jeans, have a weight that starts with a 1!

Recognize this guy? On one hand, I dislike him. He may be setting me up for failure! But on the other hand, I can't deny the appeal of what he has to say.

PLUS, this comes as I head into some major stress and time crunches at work. This time last year, my work schedule was insane. I was working 12 hour days, every day. Working every weekend. Don't you just know, the only rewards I "could" fit in were junk food? Most of this weight I've lost so far, is from last year's stresses. I am about to head into a mine field. And the gremlin wants to talk about best case scenarios!?! Ludicrous!

So how do I deal with these upcoming stresses? Here's my plan - feel free to make suggestions. 1st, I'm gonna try. Try to stay within my cals, try to get the water, the F&V, take my supps. If possible, I'll work in some walking. plus that's a great stress-reliever. So that's my first strategy: trying. 2nd, I'm gonna be prepared to not be able to be perfect. This is a little scary, because it sounds like I'm authorizing "anything goes", which I'm not - but it's OK if I can't take the hunger, and have a bigger meal. It's OK if I fall back on an old habit once. Or twice. I may not be able to keep the new habits, every day, in the face of everything. It's understandable and OK if I stumble. 3rd, I can't let it bother me if I don't lose during this period. If I just maintain, this will be a big improvement over my usual reaction to this type of stress. I may even lose, we'll see. I'm feeling strong, so I think this is possible - I'm just trying to gather strategies for less-strong moments (or days).

have I missed anything?

Meme of 3

2005-06-04T09:20:00.000-04:00

time for a break from all the heavy-ass weight issues work. my adorable online friend Zara has tagged me, and, coming from her, it's an honor so I accept. And, it's a nice break from this heavy stuff I've been dealing with lately.

this took me longer than I expected to complete!

3 names I go by
- Wendy
- W (damn you, Bush!)
- Honey

3 screen names I've had:
- legalspice
- 1-2many
- Wendy

3 physical things I like about myself:
- hair
- eyes
- my height

3 parts of my heritage:
- Southern
- Navy
- puffing

3 things I am wearing right now:
- moissanite
- jeans I can take on and off without zipping
- pom pom socks (YAY! I am so foolishly into these SOCKS!)

3 ~~favorite~~ bands/musical artists I like a lot (too many to choose only 3 “favorites”!):
- Stan Getz (oh wait, maybe Frank Sinatra?)
- New Order
- Cake

3 ~~favorite~~ songs I really like (here, again, too many for only 3 faves):
- Brandy
- Brick House
- Girl from Ipanema

3 things I want in a relationship:
- reciprocity
- respect
- shared core values

3 physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to me:
- voice
- chest
- physical strength

3 favorite hobbies:
- sewing
- blogging (of late)
- reading

3 Things I want to do badly right now:
- plan my next vacation!
- be done with a case I loathe (at work)
- make more friends in my geographical area

3 things that scare me:
- greed
- willful ignorance
- dental problems

3 of my everyday essentials:
- latte (doh! my espresso machine broke yesterday! many, many curse words here)
- computer time
- flossing

3 Careers you have considered or are considering:
- social worker
- writer
- own my own business.

3 places you want to go on vacation:
- Greece
- Thailand
- Spain

3 kids' names you like:
- Seven :)
- seriously, I’m not the into-kids-names type. I could more readily list names I dislike due to overuse or general cutesy-pie-ness.

3 things you want to do before you die:
- have had a different (adult) job than lawyer
- live in another culture (outside the US)
- skydive

3 ways I am stereotypically a boy:
- I can be abrupt
- not too sentimental
- like to know the nitty gritty of how things work

3 ways I am stereotypically a girl:
- expect people to know how I’m feeling
- I’m into frilly, flowery girly things
- I really like shoes and purses

3 celeb crushes:
- Andy Garcia
- Noah Wylie
- From high school days: Andrew McCarthy

OK, I think this is part the part where I kick it out to three of you. If you're not into it, that's OK, of course. Hmmmm... (and hoping you'll read here, and see you're tagged), I choose, Meg, Trish and Mae. Tag! You're it!

New attitude.

2005-06-03T12:41:00.000-04:00

The scale is finally cooperating - showing me a new low of 223.5 today, as it should, thank you very much! While it's nice to see, I have a new attitude about it (at least for the moment!). I know the scale is erratic - sometimes it cooperates, sometimes it doesn't, and if I detach myself from the jumps, the flip side of that is some detachment from lower readings as well. So, as I say, nice to see, but I'm not giving it the value I have previously, or letting it really affect my mood.

My task: find a reward for crossing the first weight goal line! yay! I've zipped past my 16 pound line, and need to reward myself suitably for it. That's a tad complicated at the moment, with work ramped up and a houseguest to entertain on hand. So I may have to delay this, and give myself an IOU, though I don't much care for that concept. But what can you do? Life is going on around me, ya know?

To the commenter who offered that I should not deny myself food: on one level I agree with you. But read back to prior posts: I WASN'T denying myself food, for days beforehand! If I never denied myself my food cravings, I'd never lose any weight! :P So I hear you, I agree with what your saying in part - but denial is something to balance as well.

Not only that, but the bigger issue for me, and I guess I didn't communicate this clearly, was I finally saw what the craving was. It was like the moment in The Matr1x where Neo finally sees that what surrounds him is not walls and people, but just flowing binary code. I finally SAW it. I saw that for ME, these cravings were cravings for emotions, for confirmation of the reasons for my insecurity, for confirmation of my unworthiness, and they were for sedation from the negative feelings - so those feelings can continue to live on, undisturbed. See? I craved not the food but the self-loathing that follows. It's the self-loathing, not the food, that I took a pass on. This time anyway.

For me, it was a huge epiphany to see overeating as a form of self-mutilation. At least sometimes, I think it is, for me, anyway. And when you realize that what you're really trying to do is to harm yourself, your craving abates. You know?